I stand on the beach,
wondering.
The foam lingers on my toes.
Do I dive in,
do I wade.
Will I be sucked into the undertow if I travel out to far?
I am scared,
the seaweed wraps around my ankles.
Each wave carries the sand farther up my legs.
I want to experience the wonders of the unknown, but I am unsure of my safety.
There is so much in the deep blue sea that scares me.
Coral.
Sharks.
Fear.
What if I am taken down,
perhaps I can not handle its force.
What if I am not strong enough?
I know there is beauty within, but what if it is more than I can handle.
The waves are beautiful from afar,
but up close, they are overwhelming.
Do I sit on the beach and soak up the suns rays,
or do I venture out and explore what lies within the unknown.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Searching
I have been searching a lot lately. Who am I? What do I want. Who am I going to be?
I have always thought I knew who I was, but as I grew, as I matured, I realized, I didn't. I was always trying to be something. Growing up I was always wanted to be the popular girl, mostly because I didn't want anyone to know how crazy my family life was, but also because I wanted acceptance. I remember going to school and pretending I was rich, talking about how my name brands where dirty and that's why I wasn't wearing them. I specifically remember a few conversations talking about my opinion on this movie or that artist, just because I wanted to fit in so bad. Looking back, I literally shake my head at myself thinking about all the conversations I have had in my twenties with boys that I was trying to impress by talking out of my you know what. Seriously, they must have thought I was so stupid. But for some reason, I just desired acceptance, and I thought having similarities was what made people get along, so I pretended my ass off, just because I wanted companionship. Pretty sad, but definitely something to learn from.
Now the crazy thing is, before I knew who I was, while I was faking it to be the popular girl, I know who I wanted to be. But now I actually like who I am but am confused on what I am. I know we all must struggle with it, or at least I hope I am not the only one. Did I pick the right career, should I be friends with him or her, what is the best way to raise my kids, did I pick the right partner, etc...
What is wrong with me, why am I so confused, I talk to so many people and they seem to have it all figured out.
I have always thought I knew who I was, but as I grew, as I matured, I realized, I didn't. I was always trying to be something. Growing up I was always wanted to be the popular girl, mostly because I didn't want anyone to know how crazy my family life was, but also because I wanted acceptance. I remember going to school and pretending I was rich, talking about how my name brands where dirty and that's why I wasn't wearing them. I specifically remember a few conversations talking about my opinion on this movie or that artist, just because I wanted to fit in so bad. Looking back, I literally shake my head at myself thinking about all the conversations I have had in my twenties with boys that I was trying to impress by talking out of my you know what. Seriously, they must have thought I was so stupid. But for some reason, I just desired acceptance, and I thought having similarities was what made people get along, so I pretended my ass off, just because I wanted companionship. Pretty sad, but definitely something to learn from.
Now the crazy thing is, before I knew who I was, while I was faking it to be the popular girl, I know who I wanted to be. But now I actually like who I am but am confused on what I am. I know we all must struggle with it, or at least I hope I am not the only one. Did I pick the right career, should I be friends with him or her, what is the best way to raise my kids, did I pick the right partner, etc...
What is wrong with me, why am I so confused, I talk to so many people and they seem to have it all figured out.
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