Meloncholy, just ignore!

Most weeks, I feel like I am just treading water.  Even when, I personally, feel like I am doing more, I have someone to remind me that I am nothing more than average. 

But please, excuse me if you will.

I got a job, I sought out day cares, went on interviews, schmoozed, immunizations, paperwork, did all I could do! 

It all sucked, never got a job before and then had to go through 3 days of childcare appointments.  But I did it.  Situations like this remind you how alone you are.  Yesterday when I took the twins to get their physical and their five shots each, I realized how alone I am.  I literally had to rely on the nurses to help me console my girls, it broke my heart that my arms where not big enough to hold Lola after her shots because I had to hold down Molli's arms so she didn't yank the needles out of the nurses hand.  Situations like this remind you how alone you are. 

Let me say it again, HOW ALONE YOU ARE.  Most days, I say that I love  being alone, I love my own space, love no opinion on what shows I watch or how often I do the dishes.  But there are days, very similar to the past couple that remind me of my dreams of raising children with a partner. 

I can do it, and I have been for years, but once in a while I daydream about being on a team, what could've been.

Happy Birthday

Today is your birthday, you should be alive and we should be celebrating it in a blow out fashion like we always did. 

It has been years and I am still pissed, still pissed, call me selfish, I don't give a shit, you are no longer alive to rebuke me. 

Seriously, I still don't get it.  I never understood how you could kill yourself hours after talking to me.  Call me self absorbed, selfish, but seriously, I really thought we were more than that. 

I must say, thanks for your other best friend you had.  I am so glad that I was never jealous of your relationship with her, because she has become my best friend.  She didn't fill your place, but she came pretty fucking close.  And the thing that pisses me off is that her and I are going to grow old together and you and I can't, because you gave up. 

You had two amazing friends, that supported your every phone call, and you left us with nothing  but a bullshit note. 

We have talked over that past couple of years, and we are grateful for each other, maybe that was the plan, but seriously, how could you be more wounded than us?  We have all had our problems.  Isn't that the point of life?

Life is shitty.  I love you, but damn it, I will miss you forever!

Sad Tonight

I had to hurt someone tonight.  And it is affecting me because I feel like I have been hurting people lately.

I am starting to think it is my fault.  Most days I feel like I relate better to men, some of my best friends are men, women tend to be a little more trivial, while men are pretty straight forward.  The only problem with this is, once in a while the same man who has been your friend for most of your life decides he is in love. 

What is that saying we know within two minutes if there is chemistry or not?  I guess that is where I stand, I decided right away, that you are not someone that I want to spend my life with, but that doesn't mean I don't adore you. 

Anyways, one of my guy friends I have know since I was about twelve, has decided I am the one.  Keep in mind I completely believe his "clock" is ticking, and I am comfortable, his family loves me, my family loves him, it is oh so convenient. 

The thing that sucks is that tonight, I had to tell him I wasn't the one.  It is hard for me to stand my ground, I usually like to tell people what they want to hear or just be vague and not give an opinion.  But I could tell that I needed to draw the line, and it was very hard, but necessary.

The funny thing was it made me think about my relationships that I have had. 

Maybe, there has been a man or two that needed to let me go, but didn't want to hurt me.  Is it better to be straight forward and cause a little pain, or is ignoring a text and hoping they get the point more painful. 

I know for me, it is harder for me to have the conversation, but at least it is cut and dry and we can both go on with our lives.

I'll figure it out

So my upstairs neighbor was a bothersome man for the first week or so I was here,  I didn't really recognize it at first, I just thought he was a little bit overly flirty, he is younger than I, so I didn't read into it too much.  But after I shot him down enough, he is practically borderline rude. 

Tonight, I went out to give my dog his late night pee, and there is my neighbor, he needs to bum a smoke so I give him a little shit, for avoiding me lately.  Essentially, his verbage added up to his ego and me wanting nothing to do with him physically.  I, naturally gave him his shit back and said, who cares if I don't want to mess around with you, we can be neighborly.  What was shocking for me was  his reaction was something along the lines of, I don't need to be friends with a girl unless I am getting something out of it.  Of course, I grabbed my cigarette out of his mouth and went on my merry way.  But it got me to thinking.  Maybe, several years ago I would have giggled this off and not seen the asshole that this pompous ass really is. 

I am so glad my life isn't several years ago, a little worried that I am single in the here and now, and hoping I have the advantage of years of dating and the knowledge of relationship skills at my back.

Thanks fucking Giving

So here I am, right around the corner from my second Thanksgiving away from my kids.  I know that in the grand scheme of things I get them on Christmas, but I am fully realizing that once again, I have had child or children with a man who I do not spend my holidays with.  The ex husband and I have tried over the past two years to do minimal activities together to give the girls a sense of family, but have discovered that even though we have good intentions, we end up fighting and that is a benefit to no one, especially our children.  I guess I thought it was OK to fake the funk every once in a while because this is what I do with my other child, from another man.  My oldest daughters father and I haven't spoke in years, but we are there for every function, sitting in the same row, holding each others children while cheering on the child we have together, yet never even passing a single word to each other. 

Throughout my life, I have learned to pretend everything is OK.  I made a lot of mistakes in raising Payton, and I am sure I will make a few more, but what thing I learned is that when I get along with her other family and fake the funk, she thrives.  I guess that is why I do it with Molli and Lola.  I will put myself through a function and let Brett be included because I know they thrive off of it.  I will bite my tongue and try to not argue when he annoys me so much that I could smash my head through a brick wall. 

I think Brett and I are about to run our course on this interaction, mostly because I admit, not even I have that much patience, so lets call this spade a spade. 

I am only his friend when he doesn't have a girlfriend, he only wants to help out when he isn't getting lade, and it has been two years of trying to be semi stable.

I didn't have a father growing up, so I am giving a little too much slack on this parental rope.  I am going to buckle down and stop putting myself in situations that are to stressful for me and my girls.  No more free passes, you do not pass go, you do not collect two hundred.  Nut up and be a dad on your own time, cuz I have realized my time is too valuable and you no longer pay the fee for my time. 

Feeling Old

So tonight I have been talking to an old friend, and by old, I mean he is just a year older than I am.  I have known him since the summer before my second year of school.  His father was actually my stepfathers boss.  Weirdly enough, his father was the principal of the boarding school where my stepfather was the assistant dean of the boys dorm where we both went to high school at. 

My family moved there due to issues that accrued between my stepfather and I.  I used to go to Eric's house because he had four wheelers and was, oh so cool.  Somehow, over the years we never lost touch,  He always said that I am his little sister, even though half of my middle school evolved around me crushing on him. 

Luckily for me, through elementary school and high school he never looked at me as anything more than a friend.  And luckily for him in college, I never looked at him as more than the friend I had my whole life.  Because, still to this day, we are still so close.  We have the relationship that  brothers and sisters should have, hopefully.  We talk about relationships and what not, blah blah. 

About a year ago, he had a dinner party to attend in my area, he no longer lives any where close to me or his family.  Anyways,  I went with him, and the whole night, we had to answer questions  on how we were not together and we kept saying, we are practically related, leave us alone.  I remember thinking that night, as I am still doing tonight damn, leave us alone, we are just friends.

  We are born into our family.  Some of us are very lucky and we are born into supportive people that listen to our problems and are tied to the drama that seeps from our veins.  But then, sometimes we get lucky to have friends that have our back, even though we aren't related they will take a bullet for us, or at least listen to our drama at ten pm, when no one else answers. 

Tonight, E told me he bought a ring for his girl.  It is about time, he has been through a lot of my same situations and we have spent many a night over the past million years talking about the love we deserve and yet, do not get.  I am so happy for him, but yet a little bit jealous.