Tired

My whole life I wanted to be the "good guy"! No matter what went on in my childhood home I always pretended it was great, cuz I never wanted to be thought of as anything but normal, I wanted to be just like everyone else. But yet I still want to be "good". Right now I am not the good guy, I am actualy, the "bad" guy. Everyone hates me, this is very hard for me to take, especially since I think I am standing up for what I desserve. I am not saying I desserve credit for the pain I am causing but isnt it better that I am causing it now better than later? I am not asking for credit, I am just begging to not be ridiculed. Please, judgement is so harsh, atleast keep it to yourselves, you dont even know all the facts, they would break your heart. I have been trying, and I am weak and cant do it anymore! I am sick of pretending, please can I just be real now and live a life I want?

Saving money by firing the psychologist and turning up the radio instead!

I love it when a song you have heard a thousand times has a new meaning. You have heard it before, you know every word, but all of a sudden you hear it for the first time and it becomes your anthem for that period of time. I am a fan of Natasha Bedingfield. A lot of her music is a little bit bubblegum and ketchy. But I love to turn it up while I am cleaning the house and dance around with the kids. It is lightbeat and airy and sometimes that is all I need to perk up my spirits. I became a fan of hers after I saw her in concert a couple years back. She opened for New Kids on the Block, and the only song of hers I could name at the time was Unwritten, and I absolutely love the message of that song, so I made sure we were all in our seats by the time she took the stage. She really impressed me, she was no frills, no lightshow, no back up dancers, just her. She talked before every song, opened up about what it meant to her, it was very personal, needless to say it was moving and I cried. The next day I bought two of her cds and have been a fan ever since.

So this morning I needed a little pick me up, I popped in Natasha, made some waffles for the little girls and set to work cleaning my kitchen. And then I heard "Wild Horses" for the hundreth/first time. All was good again. There is something about hearing a song that just touches you, it is reassuring in a way, like someone else has felt what you are feeling, you are not alone.

I feel these four walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out..
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures Im thinking about
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free to
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I wanna run too.

Breaklessly abandoning my self to you

I wanna open up my heart and tell him how I feel

I wanna run with the wild horses.

Ready, Set, Go.

I started my blog almost a year ago. At the time my purpose was to get over my friends suicide. Over time I thought it would turn into a place I could talk about my daughters. Now I am thinking over the next few months it will be where I digest my thoughts and feelings on my impending divorce. This is the only place where I can really get it out, and I can get it out without the rebuttals, the opinions, the judgement. I created this situation, I chose this route, this is my doing. That doesn't make it any easier, and it doesn't make the next few months any less scary. I am a grown women who has to start over, start over with next to nothing but my children and my fears. I know I will get through this, I know that I will raise my little girls to be strong and self sufficient and to love deeply. But I am scared shitless and I feel alone.

When I first got married, I was the apple of his eye, now, I am the thorn in his side. The things that he is capable of saying to me are incredible. Every issue I have ever had, as a child, in past relationships, is thrown in my face. I am called names that I thought only my first baby daddy could say to me. I know that he is only trying to cause me pain because I have caused him so much, but it still hurts and all I can do is sit there and take it. I think anger is the third stage of the grieving process, I am totally sick of this stage. I am not even expecting forgiveness, I am so drained. Right now I need to focus on finding a place to live or a job that lets me afford the place I have now. I have two months to do all this, two months. Ready, set, go.

Feel the Ocean

I remember in my early twenties I had a boyfriend that meant the world to me. He was into scuba diving, surfing and all things ocean, and for that reason, so was I. His family had a house in Kauai, and so that is where we speant our vacations for years. Hence, scuba and surf lessons. The surfing, I relished, loved it like a second nature. I rembember the first time I caught a wave, I litterally felt like I was on top of the world! Mind you, this on top of the world feeling came right after the feeling I had when a wave hit me right into corral and I thought I was dying!

The surfing was ok, the scuba diving, was a differant story. We both got certified in a Napa Valley pool before ever taking our trip, the trip where we had a specific scuba outing planned, on the Napali Coast! It was a big deal to him, a true testament of love for me. So here we are one morning, diving thirty five feet down, not a big deal to scuba divers, but a big deal to me, and we are exploring caves were Jacque Cousteau, did a documentary on some kind of sharks, who were supposedly dorment at the time, but to me, could bite me in half at an time. Anxiety attack in a nut shell for me. I shot out of that water so fast! Here we are, a group of twenty or so, diving down in these dark caves. And I see, all these people, peering in these caves with amazement, as I float, twenthy feet behind them wondering, there could possibly be a shark in there that could bite off you face! But still, I am the only one that doesnt get the beauty, and I am upset with myself for not getting it.

Long story short, I ruin the outing by freaking out and swimming to the surface as fast as I can, my boyfriend of four years breaks up with me afterwards, and twenty years later, I sit here felling alot of those same feelings. Overwhelmed by the beauty and scared on how to handle it.

Understand

How Do I Love Thee?
By Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace,
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

A Letter to You

My Dearest Cyndi,
I am not really sure how to start this, you have been gone for almost a year and there is still so much I have wanted to say to you. I feel so bad for being mad at you this long, I still cant believe that you chose to leave me hours after I talked to you. We loved each other so much, or so I thought, twenty years down the drain. I am so sorry that you needed more from me than I gave you.

I always thought you were so amazing, the second I met you at the age of fifteen, I though you were amazing. You were the coolest person I had ever met, with your Depeche Mode t-shirts and the black sheet hanging in your windows. You were so differant than me, but yet, so the same. In our differances, we bonded, we became one. Even though we lost contact after high school, when we reconnected, it was like no time was lost, and we were stronger than ever.

I sit here now, and I miss you so much, the missing has never stopped even though it has been almost a year. I think of where my life is now, and I wonder if it would be differant if I had you here to talk to. I wish you were here to help me through my struggles and I miss helping you through yours. I miss talking to you every morning on your morning drive to work.

How did you not know how smart, beautiful and loving you were. I remember standing there, giving your euology, crying through the whole thing, and thinking, wow, look at all these people who love her. Maybe, if she knew about all these people she wouldnt have chose to leave me. Maybe, if she knew how amazing she was, she would still be here.

I have been so mad at you for this past year, so mad I could barely mourn from the second I learned what you really did. You chose hours after you told me how much you loved me to end your life. Hours after I told you how much you loved me, and I told you how greatful I was to have you in my life, you ended yours. I have been so pissed at you. Do you know how shitty this past year has been for me? No, you dont because you signed out.

I want you back, my life is still hard, and I need to talk to you about it. But I cant, cuz you told me how much you loved me, and then, you left.

A year later, it still sucks, I still miss you, a lot. You were my little babies godmother, you were supposed to be here for forever.

Maybe, I need another year to stop being mad at you!