Snowfall

Last night was my first winter in Northern Idaho.  Emotionally it was tough, and being a single woman who has never owned a house in the snow, weather wise, it was a bit to handle. 

I must say though, last year, compared to this year, night and day difference.  Last year, I dreaded going outside with my shovel, it was hard work that sometimes depending on the inches of snow Mother Nature gave me, could take an hour to clear.  This year, I place my cocktail in the snow drift, I take the time to listen, to hear the lack of noise, look at the beauty, that in the hustle and bustle can be so hard to find.  Tonight, I actually did my neighbors on both sides of my house, sidewalks, driveways, all inclusive.  And, I enjoyed myself.  I was able to look around, and accept my life, enjoy my life.  Yes, it is not the one that I ever thought I would live, but it is the one that I have, and I am going to embrace it and relish in what I have been given.

Circles and Turns

Sometimes... I wonder if full circle is anything that should even be a statement.  I mean, lets face it, if your life isn't perfect full circle, is it what we should brag about?

In saying that, my life was never perfect.  It was just living the life that I had the capacity to live.  For a minute there, it was touch and go, but you know what, I think I've come full circle.  I'm back to the place where it makes sense again. 

Let's see, maybe a corner turn will do me better.

Still

Here, when I think I am over it, still hate you.  Listening to songs, wondering, still, how it came to this.  Oddly, enough, how does it still not even matter to you?

I don't want you in my thoughts anymore!

You should know by now!

Seriously, if you knew me at all. All backyard romances and bottles of wine! If there was ever a song this would be it. In a hammock with a bottle of cab and a lit cigarette .

Older and wiser? I hope.

In a matter of days I will be 40. Milestone, right? Funny, I'm looking at, dreaming about it even. I've been having these dreams about all my exes' and some of Vin Diesel even (not quite sure where that one comes into play) it's weird, I've been really struggling to not set my standards to the per verbal yardstick of lifetime  achievements .  I don't want to be the girl who feels bad about her age and where she hoped she would be right now.  But in all honesty, I am.

I do, look at myself, and second guess. I do, wish I was the woman, that at 23, was where I wanted to be at 40.

But, even where I am now? I am going to own it. I am going to be proud of myself and be strong.  I have so many scars, but it might as well be proud of them, that's what created the woman I am today.

Sucks loving someone you hate.

Too bad you let me down.

#Daydreambeliever

I wish.  I wish that you could see me for the woman you met, the woman you knew.  I wish there wasn't a bitter taste in your mouth when you think of me.  I wish, that you could remember every good thing I ever did for you, instead of when I let you down. I wish you could remember all the times I was there for you, when no one else was.  All the secrets you told me that you couldn't tell anyone else.  All the fun we had, all the laughs we shared.  I wish you would've loved me enough not to let him fuck you.

Song choice for the night

For the Record

Not that you give a shit, or even have any brain cell left in that brain of yours to remember my blog site. But your cousin told me, not the only friend you thought you had left that isn't a complete drug addict, which, by the way, those aren't friends! Nope, your cousin called me, afraid for my children. Children you obviously, never loved, but then again, you don't even love yourself or your family and you sure as hell never loved me. Yup, she called me crying, looking out for my safety, wanted to make sure I knew so that I didn't trust losers that only look out for their own sexual desires and care only about sex!

Strangers with candy my ass! More like, looser with a disease!

Poor You

The sad thing is, that I miss him.  Tonight, I want to talk to him, this would be our time. The only one I could call at this hour. But yet, I can not. Uncertain of what I did to receive this level of hatred and betrayal, yet, it is still hurtful.
I may be, as you say,a horrible person. Still, I was an amazing person to you, we had, what I thought, a friendship for the history books. I never pretended to be anything more than myself with you. And the magic of it all was that I thought you accepted and loved me for the person that I am, as I did you.  Obviously, I was wrong, because you turned out to be a lying, cheating, deceitful, pussy ass, drug using bitch. You didn't even have enough pride in yourself to not fuck your best friends husband.  Wow, you must be really fucked up inside yourself to have no morals!
Here I thought I was the one person you actually gave a shit about.  Now I realize how silly that was, you don't even care about yourself.

What time is it?

Time to exit stage left?