Truth Be Told

Ruffle the Feathers

So tonight, I had an upset.  A few days ago, my upstairs neighbor, who , I have become close to, opened up.  Yes, I was closer to his girlfriend, before him.  But, I am a women open to conversation, and his conversation had a lot to do with the life I had lived as a child, a childhood that was very similar to his.     But for some reason this did not settle with his girlfriend, someone, I actually thought was my friend. 

So tonight, I had to convince her, that I was not trying to compete with her and her relationship with a man that worships her.  I had to try and get her to realize that I don't want him, and that we are actually friends.

Maybe, I am a little bit more liberal than my Republican ass wants to admit, but I am pretty sure I wouldn't leave my husband who paid my bills for your 22 year old dead beat boyfriends ass.

I dare you to name the memory!

Some People Make Me Crazy

So there are some people in my life that say one thing, do another and then judge everyone else.  Really?  Are you seriously gonna have a opinion on my life, when yours, is in shambles?  I try my best and even support your, really bad decisions, but yet, you really have the time, to discriminate?  I don't think that is appropriate or nice. 

I am sick of being there for everyone and yet standing alone.

Mamas and Their Mania

So this past Mother's Day found me in a very different place than I have been. A little braver, a little stronger, very introspective. Now, Mother's Day is always weird for me, it falls right around my birthday, which some years can be a very hard time for me. As I turn a year older, I start to judge myself, or I guess I should say I try NOT to judge myself.  I have long since learned not to compare my self to others, if I start that, I might as well call it a life and hit the restart button.  But I must admit, as a new age approaches, I do take a deeper look at my achievements and goals. 

This year surprisingly was not that big of a deal though.  Maybe, because this past year or so, I have lost a lot and had to recover, friends, homes, husbands, money even family. 

No longer is my focus what I do not have, it is what I do have.  When going through a divorce and dividing up possessions you realize, how monetary all your belongings really are.  I can start from scratch as long as I have my girls.  The flat screen TV doesn't really matter that much,  maybe I will afford one later. 

I have lost some friends, friends I thought would walk through the fire with me.  That was one of the hardest things, but oddly enough, there is always somebody there to fill up their places.  Luckily, I moved right beside some girls that have become my good friends. 

Who knows what I will be doing next Mothers Day, but whatever it is, I will be OK and I will still be rolling with life's punches.

Can't Help Myself

So one of my all time favorite men, has a new video!  His sexiness makes me feel sexy!

Totally Love This

RIP MCA

So yesterday I was driving around in the am, doing errands and such.  For some reason I kept hearing a whole bunch of Beastie Boy songs, and I kept turning up the volume and rocking out with my three year olds in tow .

After a morning of spending way too much money, I got home and since my toddlers had woken up way too early, they took a nap and I was able to get on the computer and check in on the world. 

Upon signing into my homepage, I was able to see that Beastie Boy Adam Yauch had passed away.  Now of course, I do not know him, he is not my friend or even any one that I know.  But I love my music and I love the songs that play a part in my life, throughout my whole life, so it still saddened me. 

Now the funny thing is when I was 13ish, I bought 3 cassette tapes, one was Whitney Houston, I loved the song, "I wanna Dance" cuz I really wanted to dance with somebody, the other tape was by Debbie Gibson, and I wish I had a reason for that one other than it was in at the time.  But the third was "Licensed to Ill" by the Beastie Boys.  The funny thing was when I was in seventh grade I was in a group called Pathfinders, it was my religions form of girl/boy scouts.  We went on camporees, had meetings every week, helped out our community, etc...  I loved it, and even more than Pathfinders, I loved Adam Furr.  He was two years older than me, and I thought he was fantastic.  Anyways, he loved the Beastie Boys, but he didn't have the tape.  So the next weekend we were do for a weekend camp trip and I made sure, I had "licensed to Ill" , my Walkman, and a set of headphones that could be shared by two.  And let me tell you that two hour van trip could not have gone better, thank you auto reverse!  Now nothing ever happened between Adam Furr and I, but my thirteen year old ass was satisfied, thank you Beastie Boys!  It was my first experience of music helping a girl set the mood.

Fast forward ten years, "Hello Nasty"  was just out.  A bunch of us bought tickets, one of them is my oldest daughters father.  We were all so excited, there were about five girls and five guys, we arrive at the concert in Oakland, us girls decide that our second tier tickets are just not enough and that we are going to rush the stage.  Of course all the guys think we are crazy and tell us not to, and just as the Beastie Boys are being introduced and running onto stage, the lights are off, everything is dark, we rush the security and storm onto the stage floor.  We are able to get right to the stage, touch all their hands, watch them jump around non stop for three hours singing the songs we had been singing for years.

I guess the point is, music is a part of my life, differant artist and genres are differant segments of my story, so it is always sad to see someone go, but yet I am thankful that they are a part of my story!

I must admit!

Anyone who knows me knows I have a small obsession with Adam Levine, infact, he was one of my "freebies in my marriage.  Just wanted to say this song does a little something to me.

Two AM Mistakes

So approximately two years ago, I was diagnosed with GAD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder,  the smallest anxiety disorder you can have, but it is mine, I will claim it.  I walked into my doctors office telling him how somedays I think my brain is going to expode from all the stress I feel and how I wake up at night just creating lists on the tablet of paper on my nightstand.  Luckily, for me, I had a doctor that did not perscribe pills so much as classes.  He had me not only enroll in counseliling, both group and private, but meditation, stress management, yoga and something along the lines of a class that taught me how to breath. 

Little did I know that I actually was breathing in a way that was not effective for my heart and lungs to work properly,  yes, I am that crazy and screwed up.  But, also,  I learned ways to control my mind or atleast my breathing and get myself to calm down.  Excluding when I have been drinking, in that case all bets are off. 

At about this same time one of my best friends commited suicied, litterally, about a week into my treatment, so to speak.  I guess you could say, this worked out towards my favour, because here I had been going to my classes and hearing about anxiety attacks, the symptoms and how to handle them.  And litteraly, after my friends death, I had my first one, and without these classes, I would've thought I was having a heart attack!  Instead, I was able to figure out what was going on, and work on my breathing, put my ass in the shower, which is my safe zone, and regroup.

I am still a mess, probably always will be.  I call exes at 2 am and wonder why I wasnt good enough,  I stress over friends that I have ended relationships with,  and yes on some Sundays, I even watch Lifetime,  I am immature, wrong, a complete mess, I have no deffense. 

Maybe all I can focus on now is my girls.  period.