Yes, I cheated, but, was I the only one?
You, left me long before I left you! Admit to your problems, or you will never achieve what you want. I may be the mess that you mention, but I admit to my shit. If trash can be responsible for their litter, then why cant the pedigreed dog not pick up its shit on 5th Avenue?
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Insomnia and Thoughts
So the other night I was watching Jay Leno, this is rare for me. Either I am not awake that late or if I am, I am drinking and talking on the phone, either way, I watched it the other night. Well, to be honest, I turned on the TV as I was cuddling under my sheets, hit the power button on the remote, and there he was.
Anyways, there he was, and I pushed info and our USA Olympian swimmer Lochte, was one of his guests. I viewed the interview and actually enjoyed it a bit. But as I watched it, my wheels in my pretty little brain started turning.
This past Olympic season, I have not been as into it as I usually have been. This is weird for me, I thought maybe, this is the place in my life, maybe I am shutting more doors than I even know.
When I was a child, and even up until a few years ago, I was always very into the Olympics. Possibly, this has to do with the fact that when I was a child not every second of the Olympics was televised, so I only got to see the so called highlights. But this past year, I really could care less. I am sure this has something to do with the fact that I have a lot going on in my life, or maybe I have just picked the sports that I like and that is all that I payed attention to.
Either way, I watched Lochte on Leno and my mind started thinking. I was thinking the same thoughts that I had been pondering while I watched the very minimal Olympics that I watched over these past few weeks.
My thoughts were this. How amazing to grow up and have one goal, to be a gymnast or a swimmer and to win a metal and represent your country in the ultimate competition. I cant imagine having that goal. Growing up knowing what you want to do with your life and being determined to do so. I have never had a goal so cut and dry. Most of my goals have consisted of paying my rent and not screaming too much at my daughters. I don't even have a career, I am simply just trying to keep my head above the financial water so that I can pay my bills and not feel like a degenerate.
But after I had this thought that I had about ones goal being an Olympic medal, I had to ponder, what do you do after you achieve that goal, or worse, what do you do after you don't achieve this fantasy?
Perhaps, I am not that bad off. My goal is simply to survive and to be happy. I should probably stop beating myself up because I don't have a gold medal.
Anyways, there he was, and I pushed info and our USA Olympian swimmer Lochte, was one of his guests. I viewed the interview and actually enjoyed it a bit. But as I watched it, my wheels in my pretty little brain started turning.
This past Olympic season, I have not been as into it as I usually have been. This is weird for me, I thought maybe, this is the place in my life, maybe I am shutting more doors than I even know.
When I was a child, and even up until a few years ago, I was always very into the Olympics. Possibly, this has to do with the fact that when I was a child not every second of the Olympics was televised, so I only got to see the so called highlights. But this past year, I really could care less. I am sure this has something to do with the fact that I have a lot going on in my life, or maybe I have just picked the sports that I like and that is all that I payed attention to.
Either way, I watched Lochte on Leno and my mind started thinking. I was thinking the same thoughts that I had been pondering while I watched the very minimal Olympics that I watched over these past few weeks.
My thoughts were this. How amazing to grow up and have one goal, to be a gymnast or a swimmer and to win a metal and represent your country in the ultimate competition. I cant imagine having that goal. Growing up knowing what you want to do with your life and being determined to do so. I have never had a goal so cut and dry. Most of my goals have consisted of paying my rent and not screaming too much at my daughters. I don't even have a career, I am simply just trying to keep my head above the financial water so that I can pay my bills and not feel like a degenerate.
But after I had this thought that I had about ones goal being an Olympic medal, I had to ponder, what do you do after you achieve that goal, or worse, what do you do after you don't achieve this fantasy?
Perhaps, I am not that bad off. My goal is simply to survive and to be happy. I should probably stop beating myself up because I don't have a gold medal.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
One Last Song, I Think!
OK, so apparently, I might be listening to depressing music tonight. Mind you, I am not depressed but maybe a little melancholy. So here goes my song choice. This song also strikes my fancy tonight.
Sorry, but it is what it is..
So the weird thing is I had a dream last night, I dont remember much of the details, just that I was trying to get down a mountain, via running, jumping, skiing, snowboarding off of ramps, diving through bushes, and pushing myself a crowd that included thousands including Beyonce! But while I was running through this dream, trying to survive, this is the song I kept playing in my brain and I just heard it now and reminded me of the dream.
My Redneck Is Showing
So it is no secret that I love me some Rascal Flatts, they are definately my favorite country band. So tonight I am just lazing around my apartment enjoying the fact that I am the only one making any noise. Listening to a little music and drinking more than a little wine, or atleast I will by the time I go to bed. Anyways, I just heard this song for the first time and I must say I love it almost as much as I love them. I saw them in concert a few years back and it is one of the best I have ever seen. I had sixth row seats and my girlfriend and I knew every word to every one of their songs, so a great time was had by all, and we both cried when they came on stage and maybe a couple after. What else can I say but we are dorks.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Support Beam!
Thank you for being the light at the end of the tunnel and not the oncoming train.
Thank you for answering all my calls, even though you have your own shit to deal with.
When our best friend chose to leave us, we mourned together and I am so grateful. I cant imagine getting through this without you. She was a constant in our life and some how we were able to reach out to each other. As hard as this situation was, I couldn't have done it with out you.
You have become my rock, via phone, you have become my best friend. I actually make a conscience effort not to call you every night, because I want to do it every night. Your voice gives me comfort, your advice, helps me through my next day.
I hate the circumstances that brought us together, yet I am so glad to have you as my friend, but I guess I am still clinging to my silver lining, and that is you.
You brought me through this. You felt my pain with Cyndi, you listened to my marriage/divorce drama. You were there for it all.
I just hope I was there for you. And I hope you know how much you mean to me.
Amazing, doesn't describe who you are to me, and everyone around you! I admire you so much, the mother you are to Evan and Alli, I don't even scratch the surface. You try your best at everything you do and I am so glad to be your friend.
Thank you for answering all my calls, even though you have your own shit to deal with.
When our best friend chose to leave us, we mourned together and I am so grateful. I cant imagine getting through this without you. She was a constant in our life and some how we were able to reach out to each other. As hard as this situation was, I couldn't have done it with out you.
You have become my rock, via phone, you have become my best friend. I actually make a conscience effort not to call you every night, because I want to do it every night. Your voice gives me comfort, your advice, helps me through my next day.
I hate the circumstances that brought us together, yet I am so glad to have you as my friend, but I guess I am still clinging to my silver lining, and that is you.
You brought me through this. You felt my pain with Cyndi, you listened to my marriage/divorce drama. You were there for it all.
I just hope I was there for you. And I hope you know how much you mean to me.
Amazing, doesn't describe who you are to me, and everyone around you! I admire you so much, the mother you are to Evan and Alli, I don't even scratch the surface. You try your best at everything you do and I am so glad to be your friend.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Diary Journal 98, I Think..
These past few weeks seem to have gone by really fast. Making some minuet changes that will hopefully add up into something bigger.
First, of all, I am changing the relationships I have with people, some might guess that I am expecting more and accepting less. This is working out well when it comes to raising my daughters, if nothing else. Before, I always thought the more activities that I did with them, the more quality they would think we had together, but instead it seems to be the opposite. I used to take them to events, be it a movie, the park or some festival that is going on. But now I am realizing what they really want to do is bust out the paints or play dough and create something. That is what they see as quality, Me. And that is when we get to talk and get to know each other, when our hands are messy, our hearts become open.
Also, I am learning to stop beating myself up over everything and instead change the things I don't like. Right now that thing is my body. The joke is that all I needed to do to gain weight was get a divorce. For the past fifteen years I have been trying to gain fifteen pounds, then in the past six months I have put on thirty and I am not happy about it. So two weeks ago, I have decided to shut up and do something about it. The gym is hard for me to attend, with the girls, and finding a gym that is close enough, has daycare and is something that is in my price range. So for that reason, I have resorted to good "old" fashioned workout DVDs. I actually am glad that I don't have a gym membership, because I can barely get through this Jillian Michaels workout without having a heart attack, so I would look like a fool in front of a room full of people. Either way, I am trying right? And the bottom line is I am seeing results, maybe not the progress that puts me on a beach in a bikini this next weekend, but it is what it is.
Most of all, I am super nervous about what is taking place in my life two weeks from now. The youngest two girls and I will be flying to CDA, Idaho to visit their paternal grandparents. Flying by myself with my two three year old inquisitives will be hard enough by itself. We fly to Seattle where we have a two hour layover before flying to Spokane. Thinking this layover alone, makes me want to take a xanax. Carrying two car seats, my purse and keeping them from running off, while potty breaks, a little exercise, and finding our next gate, stresses me out just a tiny bit, actually, carrying the car seats and not putting them on a public bathroom floor, while keeping them from touching anything is my only real concern. But after we land in Spokane, it is the awkward visit with the family that was supposed to be my in laws til the end and I am uncertain of the talks that will probably pursue. I haven't seen some of them since, they learned that we were splitting up or talked to them either. I know that there were hopes that B and I would work out, and somehow, I feel like I disappointed them. There is a part of me that knows and is sad to admit, that this will be my last visit there. I am visiting them with their grand babies one last time because this is the only way they can see them, but I think it will be too hard, complicated and painful for us after this. I guess that I should be optimistic, they did ask me visit, olive branch extended, but yet I am sure I will want to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink a bottle of wine a day, and can't. Fingers crossed it will all work out, at least the house is huge and the girls and I can escape up into our wing or just go for a walk and be the three of us, like we are used to.
Trying to not be skeptical and instead find my strength. Keep up with the progress, the only person I need to impress is myself, the rest will fall into line.
First, of all, I am changing the relationships I have with people, some might guess that I am expecting more and accepting less. This is working out well when it comes to raising my daughters, if nothing else. Before, I always thought the more activities that I did with them, the more quality they would think we had together, but instead it seems to be the opposite. I used to take them to events, be it a movie, the park or some festival that is going on. But now I am realizing what they really want to do is bust out the paints or play dough and create something. That is what they see as quality, Me. And that is when we get to talk and get to know each other, when our hands are messy, our hearts become open.
Also, I am learning to stop beating myself up over everything and instead change the things I don't like. Right now that thing is my body. The joke is that all I needed to do to gain weight was get a divorce. For the past fifteen years I have been trying to gain fifteen pounds, then in the past six months I have put on thirty and I am not happy about it. So two weeks ago, I have decided to shut up and do something about it. The gym is hard for me to attend, with the girls, and finding a gym that is close enough, has daycare and is something that is in my price range. So for that reason, I have resorted to good "old" fashioned workout DVDs. I actually am glad that I don't have a gym membership, because I can barely get through this Jillian Michaels workout without having a heart attack, so I would look like a fool in front of a room full of people. Either way, I am trying right? And the bottom line is I am seeing results, maybe not the progress that puts me on a beach in a bikini this next weekend, but it is what it is.
Most of all, I am super nervous about what is taking place in my life two weeks from now. The youngest two girls and I will be flying to CDA, Idaho to visit their paternal grandparents. Flying by myself with my two three year old inquisitives will be hard enough by itself. We fly to Seattle where we have a two hour layover before flying to Spokane. Thinking this layover alone, makes me want to take a xanax. Carrying two car seats, my purse and keeping them from running off, while potty breaks, a little exercise, and finding our next gate, stresses me out just a tiny bit, actually, carrying the car seats and not putting them on a public bathroom floor, while keeping them from touching anything is my only real concern. But after we land in Spokane, it is the awkward visit with the family that was supposed to be my in laws til the end and I am uncertain of the talks that will probably pursue. I haven't seen some of them since, they learned that we were splitting up or talked to them either. I know that there were hopes that B and I would work out, and somehow, I feel like I disappointed them. There is a part of me that knows and is sad to admit, that this will be my last visit there. I am visiting them with their grand babies one last time because this is the only way they can see them, but I think it will be too hard, complicated and painful for us after this. I guess that I should be optimistic, they did ask me visit, olive branch extended, but yet I am sure I will want to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink a bottle of wine a day, and can't. Fingers crossed it will all work out, at least the house is huge and the girls and I can escape up into our wing or just go for a walk and be the three of us, like we are used to.
Trying to not be skeptical and instead find my strength. Keep up with the progress, the only person I need to impress is myself, the rest will fall into line.
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