One of my guilty pleasures is my TV shows. I must admit there is not much I love more than crawling in between those cool sheets at the end of a long day and grabbing that remote with my greedy little fingers.
Keep in mind, most of what I watch is complete crap and I am embarrassed to watch most of it, but not sorry, guilty pleasure! One of these so called shows is "Private Practice" a spin off of Grey's Anatomy. Possibly, I like this show because, here, we have a handful of successful, beautiful, normal as it may seem, people, that have problems. Ding, ding, ding, OMG, I have problems too! What a coincidence. Now, if these beautiful, successful, doctors, who are having way more sex than I am, and are wearing the latest fashions, are having problems, way worse than mine, then maybe, for the love of God, and this run on sentence, I just might be OK too!
So tonight, watching Private Practice, I was feeling the emotion of these pretend characters, and I was feeling their feelings, relating their life to my own. Maybe, this is the part of me or the reason why, I love these characters so much. Because if she can make this mistake, with her trust fund and her glitz and glamour, I am allowed to make my share of mistakes too.
Approximately, a year ago I woke up one morning next to my husband. I was awake, much longer than him and was lying on my back contemplating. He woke up, smiled at me with his morning breath and spoke two words, "Good Morning." All I could say as I looked at him was, "I want a divorce" I will not recite the rest, but let's just say a month later, I kissed another man.
Now there are many details, that are left out. But, am I pathetic to get strength from a television. I make my own thoughts and my decisions derive from them, but it is so nice to see that hot blond in Chanel make bad decisions too.
I know life is a journey of growth and development, but damn, can I take a sabbatical.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Blame It On Me
I have been wondering if it is all me. Have I created this whole situation in my mind? I wonder if that is the case, because I am hardly desiring a situation right now. I have been barely out of my last "situation" I am desiring to find my own footing. That being said, I love your company, but not asking for much more than that. I am hardly that girl. Don't get me wrong I have all the problems of a woman my age, but the body of a woman half my age, give me some credit. ( I apologize for the boobage!) But maybe you need to get me a little more than you do! Or maybe, you don't like what you see and are too kind to give me that blow to my ego.
You are my friend always, no one can say nor can you ever do anything to take our history or my gratitude away from me.
Maybe it is because I am at such an insecure place in my life right now, and I apologize. But I want to know who you are, I want to know more than I know and get to that man. I am so scared of another woman realizing who you are and taking you away from me. I guess, I am scared because I am obviously not up to par yet, and she might be.
I am just a girl. A girl with feelings and a heart full of fear, problems and love to the edges of the earth. I always wonder if I shouldn't answer the phone when you call. There are so many times that my texts go undected or responded to. Is my payback not answering you? No, I don't care, I am just glad that I am the one you called. So pathetic, but you are the one I want to talk to before I close my eyes.
You are my friend always, no one can say nor can you ever do anything to take our history or my gratitude away from me.
Maybe it is because I am at such an insecure place in my life right now, and I apologize. But I want to know who you are, I want to know more than I know and get to that man. I am so scared of another woman realizing who you are and taking you away from me. I guess, I am scared because I am obviously not up to par yet, and she might be.
I am just a girl. A girl with feelings and a heart full of fear, problems and love to the edges of the earth. I always wonder if I shouldn't answer the phone when you call. There are so many times that my texts go undected or responded to. Is my payback not answering you? No, I don't care, I am just glad that I am the one you called. So pathetic, but you are the one I want to talk to before I close my eyes.
Monday and Meloncholy
Every time I go anywhere with my kids, no matter which ones, I always get comments from complete strangers on how they look like me. Now, I don't necessarily think that my kids look like I do now, but they definitely look the way I did when I was their ages. Lie my childhood pictures beside theirs and the resemblance is uncanny. Now there are a couple of reasons this seems a little odd to me. First, of all, growing up I never looked anything like my family. Of course, I grew up with a step dad and no one expected me to look like him, but I never had a cousin or aunt whom even resembled anything I looked like, but yet they all looked the same. Now, the second reason the resemblance is a little surprising, is my children have two different dads that have no similarities when it comes to their appearances! One is brown, brown and more brown, the other is as white as one can get. But yet, my girls all look exactly the same, like me. The joke has always been that I am so controlling I don't even let a mans DNA participate in the creation of my children.
The similarities between my daughters and I are not only visual, they also have a lot of my attitude, emotional craziness, TV/ chocolate addiction, etc... Now the little ones are around me pretty much 24/7, so of course they are going to be all mommy, some days I am all that they see. But the oldest one spends more time with her step mom than she does me, so I am always a little proud when she exhibits my behaviour, unless of course she is being psycho.
This weekend I saw some differences that I had never seen before. A little eye opening, but it got me to thinking, as opposed to sleeping. Now I was a single mother with my oldest, but yet she had lots of extended family. I was very close with her paternal grandparents and we did a lot of activities together. Her father, even though, was not present so much, due to distance, when he was there he was always with his now wife and her family. All of P's grandparents are divorced and remarried, she has never had a shortage of people surrounding her, her family dynamic may be confusing to her friends, but it is her normality and she has always felt supported. This is something I hope she will be able to carry into her teen years and keep the trouble she gets into down to a minimal.
Now my youngest two are a different story. There is no family for miles and miles. I see mine a couple times a year and their paternal grandparents are every other month at best. At least, that is how it used to be, now they too are a couple times of year, maybe. Now I know traveling is expensive and time consuming. That is not the issue to me. I have learned over the past couple of years to work through my issues myself. There are no times that I can drop my little girls off at a grandparents house, so if they are not with there father, which is minimal they are with me. Even though their father and I resided together for the first couple of years of their lives, I am starting to wonder if we ever lived together. Our lives were always separate, before we had children, it didn't matter though. I have always enjoyed my alone time. Believe it or not, I start to go crazy if cant spend regular time by myself. Now that my 3 year olds are no longer napping, I feel a little overwhelmed. Not until their 830pm bedtime do I get my much needed decompression time. After the twins were born, however, I thought his priorities would change, maybe family time would become valuable since there was now a family present. Nope, lives were still lived separately, I was still a single parent even though I was married. I must admit, he was a good provider, but that is were his responsibility ended. Maybe that is why, it is easier for us to hang out occasionally with our children and go to events now. We have spent so much time not communicating that why start now.
My worry is, will I be enough for them and will they be too much for me? Of course, there is no option available, and we must all use the hand we were dealt. But it saddened me when my youngest told me that she doesn't have a daddy in her family. I know what it is like to crave relationships. I know I definitely spend way to much time hounding my friends on the phone and I try not to take it personal when calls and texts are not returned. As much as I love my down time, I also love to interact. And lets face it, a woman can not survive on raising her kids alone. I love being a mother, but sometimes I would like to just be a woman.
The similarities between my daughters and I are not only visual, they also have a lot of my attitude, emotional craziness, TV/ chocolate addiction, etc... Now the little ones are around me pretty much 24/7, so of course they are going to be all mommy, some days I am all that they see. But the oldest one spends more time with her step mom than she does me, so I am always a little proud when she exhibits my behaviour, unless of course she is being psycho.
This weekend I saw some differences that I had never seen before. A little eye opening, but it got me to thinking, as opposed to sleeping. Now I was a single mother with my oldest, but yet she had lots of extended family. I was very close with her paternal grandparents and we did a lot of activities together. Her father, even though, was not present so much, due to distance, when he was there he was always with his now wife and her family. All of P's grandparents are divorced and remarried, she has never had a shortage of people surrounding her, her family dynamic may be confusing to her friends, but it is her normality and she has always felt supported. This is something I hope she will be able to carry into her teen years and keep the trouble she gets into down to a minimal.
Now my youngest two are a different story. There is no family for miles and miles. I see mine a couple times a year and their paternal grandparents are every other month at best. At least, that is how it used to be, now they too are a couple times of year, maybe. Now I know traveling is expensive and time consuming. That is not the issue to me. I have learned over the past couple of years to work through my issues myself. There are no times that I can drop my little girls off at a grandparents house, so if they are not with there father, which is minimal they are with me. Even though their father and I resided together for the first couple of years of their lives, I am starting to wonder if we ever lived together. Our lives were always separate, before we had children, it didn't matter though. I have always enjoyed my alone time. Believe it or not, I start to go crazy if cant spend regular time by myself. Now that my 3 year olds are no longer napping, I feel a little overwhelmed. Not until their 830pm bedtime do I get my much needed decompression time. After the twins were born, however, I thought his priorities would change, maybe family time would become valuable since there was now a family present. Nope, lives were still lived separately, I was still a single parent even though I was married. I must admit, he was a good provider, but that is were his responsibility ended. Maybe that is why, it is easier for us to hang out occasionally with our children and go to events now. We have spent so much time not communicating that why start now.
My worry is, will I be enough for them and will they be too much for me? Of course, there is no option available, and we must all use the hand we were dealt. But it saddened me when my youngest told me that she doesn't have a daddy in her family. I know what it is like to crave relationships. I know I definitely spend way to much time hounding my friends on the phone and I try not to take it personal when calls and texts are not returned. As much as I love my down time, I also love to interact. And lets face it, a woman can not survive on raising her kids alone. I love being a mother, but sometimes I would like to just be a woman.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Heart of the Matter
What generates the blood that flows through my veins? Is it my heart? And what is my heart, is it the emotion I feel, is it science? Who the fuck knows?
Lately, I have been judging myself and dissecting who I am as a woman, as a person. What have I had interests in, who are the men that I have loved, what kind of a mother am I?
I am so torn by these questions, because I really am asking them. I have loved a couple really good men, had some amazing connections. I have children with two men, who before giving birth, I thought they believed in me. These days, I presume that after labour and delivering a man's child he must discard me and throw me to the curb.
God only knows, I realize how crazy I am. I am emotional and I fly off the handle multiple times a week and feel shame for my psychotic behaviour.
Maybe part of me thinks I am better than most because I see my flaws and I am trying to work on them. I try to keep my downfalls in check, so doesn't that count for something? Can't I be held accountable for trying to fix my issues?
I ask these questions, because I am scared. Lately, I have been hit with a lot of first rate hook-ups. Once you become single, everyone tries to set you up with your "perfect" match. It bothers me because why does my status involve being with a man. Why can't I be amazing all on my own? Can't I be complete all on my own! I am a beautiful, smart, amazing mother, all on my own, no man, just me. Isn't that enough?
I believe in teamwork and that two is better than one, God only knows that I wish I had children with a man who knew whom I was and appreciated it. But I didn't, and here I am.
I am Robin, here me roar!
Lately, I have been judging myself and dissecting who I am as a woman, as a person. What have I had interests in, who are the men that I have loved, what kind of a mother am I?
I am so torn by these questions, because I really am asking them. I have loved a couple really good men, had some amazing connections. I have children with two men, who before giving birth, I thought they believed in me. These days, I presume that after labour and delivering a man's child he must discard me and throw me to the curb.
God only knows, I realize how crazy I am. I am emotional and I fly off the handle multiple times a week and feel shame for my psychotic behaviour.
Maybe part of me thinks I am better than most because I see my flaws and I am trying to work on them. I try to keep my downfalls in check, so doesn't that count for something? Can't I be held accountable for trying to fix my issues?
I ask these questions, because I am scared. Lately, I have been hit with a lot of first rate hook-ups. Once you become single, everyone tries to set you up with your "perfect" match. It bothers me because why does my status involve being with a man. Why can't I be amazing all on my own? Can't I be complete all on my own! I am a beautiful, smart, amazing mother, all on my own, no man, just me. Isn't that enough?
I believe in teamwork and that two is better than one, God only knows that I wish I had children with a man who knew whom I was and appreciated it. But I didn't, and here I am.
I am Robin, here me roar!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Growing
This weekend, I had the privilege of visiting a girlfriend and her family that I had not socialized with in about 3 years. We both worked at the same place during our last pregnancies, she was due earlier than me, but since I had twins we gave birth 4 days apart, but haven't hung out since. Anyways, we just coordinated our schedules and I drove up to her families house in the mountains only 30 minutes away.
I was without all of my children so my hair was let down a little bit more than usual. My friend lives with and helps out with her 86 year old father, Larry. After visiting and having a cocktail or three, I decide that I need to smoke, my sweet friend says, well come meet my father he is in his room/suite smoking by himself, lets take him a glass of cabernet. So I introduce myself and four hours later I am in love.
By the time I left I knew how to fire a gun, wear a fur coat that cost more than my life, and the feelings that are felt after you come home from the Korean War, along with other conversations that were so personal I cant believe they took place.
Part of my life I was raised by my grandparents, and the other part I looked up to them as examples. I have always felt the most comfortable talking to the people that can show me wisdom and direction.
Saturday night I left my friends house with a reassurance and the courage to face my life. I grew up knowing life would get better and that I could make it. But now, as an adult, I wonder, is this it, is this as good as it gets? Once again, my strength is restored. Because it is not about getting better, it is about growing stronger and loving what you have.
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