I Am A Faker!

It is funny for the past few months, I have been faking it. I have been saying, I am OK, I have been saying everything is alright. I don't need a man, I don't need to be married. I am just fine alone in my bed.

But the truth is, I am not fine. I am scared, I am alone. I very well am better like this, but I am still worried. I don't know if I will miss being kissed or having someone hold my hand. Am I any better than a women who wants to be married and hasn't ever experienced the white dress and the ceremony.

All I want is peace.

The other day I was talking to a high school friend and he was telling me how lonely he was. And I stood here on my podium telling him that he should be happy with himself and not base his happiness on a relationship. And as much as I get the words out of my mouth, I also get that we need companionship as humans. We need to feel love and acceptance.

I wonder if I will ever feel that kiss of passion, or the feeling that someone wants you for who you are.

But, I also know I am lucky to have experienced these things already and to not be in a marriage that doesn't know me for who I am.

And to have someone know you for who you are is the best gift of all.

All the Single Ladies

It is funny when you buy a car, all you see after that, is your make and model. When you get a divorce, apparently, it is the same, all you see on TV, or radio, is divorce. Every where I look is divorce, movies, tv shows, it is all the same. The other night I turned on the tv and here was the movie that I was told to watch, War of the Roses. A exaggerated comparission to say the least but still, a comparission. A couple married for years, fighting over a house and taking it to the exstreme. I get it, my house it nothing like the one in the movie, but yet we are still fighting over it. Belongings broken, words you cant take back said, that is the way of the beast.

Then yesterday, I was watching horrible daytime tv, a talkshow, no less. There was this poor lady, my age, distressed over not being married or having a wedding. Her main concern was her wedding. She wanted the pomp and curcumstance. And I get it. Once upon a time, I was a girl who wanted a wedding and a marriage, not knowing what it all entailed. And I had the wedding of my dreams, that cost more than most peoples yearly salaries. It was beautiful, amazing, I will never look that good again or have so many eyes on me. But, it was the beginning of the end, loniless, looking for my groom who was out in the parking lot. Beautiful as it was, it can never be a fantasy.

This poor woman, was planning her weeding without a groom, witouout a boyfriend, or even a man in mind, she just wanted a wedding. It made me so sad. I had the perfect ceremony, minus the rain and the screwed up flowers, and the groom doing god knows what in the parking lot with his groomsmen. It was picture perfect, my album is well worth the five thousand dollars it cost. It all looks amazing! My marriage for that matter looks amazing. But life is so much more than that. Dont be married just to be married. Dont be in a relationship just cuz that is what your friends are doing.

A Glimpse Into Craziness

So tonight I have a had a few friends visit and view what is my life. Funny thing, one was a friend who has been here here all the way, and one hasn't been here in fifteen years. We listened to a little Dave Matthews in the back yard after the babies went to bed and had a glass or two of wine, and the solution is the same.

It is funny when you listen to music it all makes sense, the same when you make love. You feel it, it feels great, heart or emotion, you love it! You are in the moment, for some, and you say what you feel, and it creates bliss. The crazy thing is we are not alwayz in the same moment, you may love it, but for a differant reason. My problem is I always seem to think we are in the same moment.

I never try and change anyone, I guess my issues is, I just think we are experiencing the same moment. That is my bad, I dont need a saviour, I dont need anyone to leed me through this craziness, I actually think I am going to be single forever the rest of this craziness, I just need honesty, and periodic sex, and I can give that to myself. I just need a couple good friends to talk to it with and perhaps have a few too many glasses of wine with.

Father, Father, Where Are't Though

I have talked to my biological father about a dozen times in my thirty six years. Never met him, as of a year ago, I had never even spoke to him. Weird as it is, this is my existence.

Tonight, I called him. I needed a father figure, and he is all that I have. It is so weird telling him my issues, and granted there are a lot of them. I do, however, keep them on a minimum, I cant possibly scare off the one man I don't want too, Lord only knows I have scared enough already.

It is so foreign talking to him. I know my history with men and it is not good, but this one actually matters. I cant get a man to be what I need to save my life, but this one I actually need, it matters. He says all the right things mind you. but for some reason, I still feel like he is a guy that I am dating, the one that tells you every thing you need to hear, but doesn't really mean it. I am sick of feeling something that apparently doesn't even exist. I want a man to be honest, you don't need to save me, I don't need to be taken care of. If I did, I would stay in my marriage, all I need is honesty. I am not a blow job, or a sexy body, I am a person, someone who needs honesty, period. I am beautiful, inside and out. I love from the bottom of my heart and soul. I have more issues than enclycopedias, but I am deeper as well. I sing, I dance, I pray for the strength to make it through my life.

Just A Dreamer

I have always been a dreamer, awake or asleep. During the day I dream of what could've been or what I hope for and at night, while I am sleeping my conscience takes over and lets me know how it really is. Early in my life I learned how to control my dreams. My life was drama enough, I made sure my down time in bed while I was in slumber was controlled by me and me only. I have seen a shrink since the age of five and one thing that was explored was what I was dreaming. Luckily I had a psychologist who taught me how to take control of my dreams, even if I could control nothing else. I learned how to wake myself if it all got to much or even how to divert the situation and make it more plausible for my liking, ie become invisible, be able to fly or one of my favorites be able to buy whatever I want. If I believe it, while I am dreaming, I can control it. It has helped me escape many a scarey situation, dreamwise.

The funny thing is this only applies when I am really thinking about it, when I recoginize it or if I dont have a fever. For the past year or so I have had two specific dreams, the situation always changes, but the goal is always the same. I categorize them as the "packing" and the "climbing" dreams.

The first and most often is the "packing" dreams. The situation and the objects always change but the desire to complete the goal is always the same and always stressful. In these dreams, I am packing something up, wether it is a house into a car, or a uhaul. Or just my belongings from a pic nic into a stroller. I am constantly packing, stressfully, deciding what I can take and what I can leave behind. The funny thing is that it is usually my actual items, I am litterally going through my kitchen deciding what fits into my car, what I can keep and what I can leave behind. In my dream the other day I was loading my van and loaded it up with kitchen appliances that I actually have in my possession right now and then realized I didnt have room for the two carseats that carry my twins and had to reaccess. This dream is always very stressful and there always seems to be an impending time crunch. I always complete it successfully and wake up as I am driving to God knows where.

The second dream, the "climbing" dream, involves me doing just that, climbing. The location, like the packing dreams, always changes. A lot of times it is at a museum, a mall or some type of public place. And the dream is just me trying to get to a destination, one that is not always clear, but throughout, I am just climbing over objects. I may be in a libaray, just trying to leave because I already have my books, but on my way to the door, I must climb over books and shelves, dodge people who are trying to do the same. Sometimes I am in a forest, and I am just trying to get through it, but there are trees, rocks and bushes everywhere, I am always alone and always struggling, just trying to get through. Once in a while, in these dreams there is a villian, someone I am trying to escape or be atleast a couple steps ahead of. But I am always climbing, clawing my way through with every part of my being.

The thing that amazes me is, I get it, I think. I am struggling right now, I am alone, climbing over objects that are in my way, just believing I can make it. And yes, there is the packing, deciding what matters when the clock is ticking and you dont have much time to decide.

In my dreams, I always make it, and I will do so in life as well!

Remembering a Long Lost Love

Growing up what saved me was reading books. Whatever I can say about the negative way I was raised, I can say my mother and stepdad always took us to the library, atleast once a week. Granted, we werent allowed to always check out the books we wanted to, but I quickly learned away around that. My stepdad was big into books, we werent allowed to really watch TV, unless it was the news or "educational", but we were required to give a book report each Friday from a book we had check out from the local library. I guickly learned to stuff a book or two in between my "educational" books, or even stuff them in my backpack when no one was looking. For the record, I always snuck them back in, but as I sixth grader I made sure I kept up on my Sweet Valley High and Babysitters Club. Reading was my escape, no matter what was going on, I could always open my books and live a differant life.

Over the past couple of years I have been caught up in raising twins and reading books about what it takes to be the most amazing parent. Keep in mind, I have still maintained my collection of litterature. I have fifty plus books right now, that I have still yet to read, but want to.

Since, the crumbling of so called life, I have picked back up my reading habit. I am reading acclamed books that I have had on my shelves for 5 years! And let me tell you, life is good again. The past two nights I have woke up to go the bathroom and have run back to my bed, just so I can read.

It has given me a new light on life, given me hope. I forgot what it is like to put myself into someone else's life. I love the desire to turn the page and figure out how they fixed it or got through it.

No matter who we are, life is hard, we all have are struggles, we all have the ability to get through.