There is no happy medium!

When the ex and I decided to get a divorce, or should I say, when I decided to get a divorce, we both concluded that we still wanted to try and be a team in raising our twins, we both wanted to be there for major events and make sure they knew we were still a team. So when events accure, like their first movie or going to an airshow or the state fair to see them ride their first ride, we will, as adults put our differances asside and witness them and show our support together. I understand this will change when one of us, I am sure it will be him first, gets in a relationship, but for now we want the transition to be as smooth for our little ones as possible. It may seem unrealistic to some, but I have been through this once already, unfortunately, and it really is so much easier to get along. I am not saying ex's need to be at every event, trust me, they should be at very few. But all I know is when I started getting along with my oldest child's set of parents and we started faking the funk and doing a couple of events together a year, it made her life so much easier and healthier. The funny thing on that one, is I dont have much contact with my oldest daughters father, but her stepmother and I have a very close relationship. So much so that she brings my daughter and her other kids to some of my events, we have playdates and even phonecalls into the early hours of the morning. I would prefer to run her over with my minivan, but I do what I can to make it work for all five of the children involved in this dual situation.

I have been wondering a lot lately if Brett and I hanging out periodically, and for what we think is momentous situations will cause more harm to the girls than good. I have talked to many of people, parents of mine and his, counselors and of course people that have been here and done that. What I have learned or heard, should I say, is that you need to suck it up, not yell at him for four hours and let your kids know that you are both still on their side, even though you dont still live in the same house. Granted, I know this will all change over time, maybe even in the next couple of weeks, but for now, in your fragile state, we are still trying to go to the fair together and get along for your sake.

The shitty thing is, Brett and I had so many flaws in our marriage, but when he was present, we could play with our girls and it was ok. We are good at ignoring each other and making it about our girls, that is easy, marriage, not so much.

For now, when I can give them both their parents in the same place, no matter how fake it is, I will not apologize, it brings them happiness, I will suck it up, because they desserve, for now.

Well Damn It

The other day I got an email, that took me til tonight to respond too. It was from an in law family member, begging me to change my mind and take him back. Broke my heart. First of all, my whole life has been built on what people except of me. All I want is to be accepted. But unfortunately, now, it is a little too late. Here is a person who has given me grief since the second that I met her, only liked me after a couple glasses of wine. I get it, but I cant stay now because you tell me too. What's done is done

Please, let me live with my decision. Divorce is ugly, no matter how you look at it, but please don't make it all about me. I tried so hard for years, and no one noticed. I begged for help and no one was there. Dont make it my fault now.

Have You Ever

I have been struggling with me feelings alot lately. Should I speak them or just let them be unspoken. Do I say what is on my mind and risk rejection or do i walk the line and not scare everyone off. If you know me, you know I am completely crazy, impulsive and my heart is right there on my sleeve for the world to see.

But honestly, have you ever... Did you ever just want to tell him he was the one? Did you ever just want to spill it, and let them know how much they meant and how your life is nothing without them in it.

Life is so crazy and unpredictable, we are all so scared of it not working it out or not being worthy.

I have been there, done that, experienced it all in my existance. But I know what I feel right now, and what has been true to me for my adult years.

Have you just wanted to go past the drunk texts and phonecalls, and live out the dreams you dream while you are asleep and make them realize what you feel. As crazy as it is, cant we just lay it out there and give ourselves a deccent shot at happiness, dont we desserve it.

Have you ever just wanted to put your feelings out there, without the fear of judgement and ridicule. I want to be able to speak my mind without judgement and just have someone appreciate my honesty.

Crazy Girl Dreamin

So lately I have been thinking I need to start a whole other blog just for my dreams, or atleast a dream journal. Because there is some crazy stuff going on after I fall asleep between those sheets. Most of it is farely harmless, a lot of it just means I need to get laid or have a vacation. But it is really weird, there are celebrities and people I havent talked to in years. Stressful situations while I am dreaming that would never be a problem while I am awake, i.e., stairs, stairs freak me out in my dreams, hours of trama just to go down five, very weird, has been that way for years.

Last night was a doozy, usually my dreams dont scare me, I know while I am dreaming that it is just sleep and I have no reason to not be in control of the whole thing. For some reason, last night was differant, maybe it was because I went to bed right after my kids and was probably asleep by nine thirty. Maybe it was because I had acted like an ass the night before and felt bad about it all day, take your pick. Either way, I woke up a little before midnight, sweating and freaked out, someone was trying to electricute me. It must have been bad enough, because I woke up to my dog, nudging me with his nose, trying to wake me up and make sure I was ok. Love that dog!

I guess what gets me is I have become this sole parent, the only person I have to rely on, I have to be strong all day. When I go to sleep, I guess, now, it is on, I become the scared person that I cant let out and I am running away from some crazy in a van who keeps trying to hook up wires to me and fry me for dinner.

Yesterday, my littlest girls saw their father for the first time in days, just for about twenty minutes, but my itsy bitsy, wanted nothing to do with him. She kept telling him to leave our house go away, she didnt like him, didnt even want him to give her a hug. Even though I know we all must choose the roles we take as parents, it was sad for me to see him be rejected by her. Yes, part of me hopes he will recoginize that he needs to start taking an active part in their upbringing, but it is no longer my place to try and inforce that, I no longer have the strength to take that on.

Maybe, I live in this fantasy world of realization. We all wake up one day and everything becomes crystal clear, we know what we want and we know what we have to do to acheive those goals and we have the energy to follow through.

I guess I am just a dreamer.

Stop Being A Bitch

Now that I am single, I dont get it. Here I am thirty six years old, and I still dont understand. I watch these shows on tv, I read facebook status's and titles under the same social network websights. Why do people still pretend to be something they are not, why do we still put ourselves out to be more than we are.

Be honest, admit you love him, tell him he is the one. And dumb ass, accept it, put your shit asside, stop being a coward and tell her you dont agree, or step up to the plate and agree with her.

Why must love and feelings be so complicated and scarey, why cant we just admit what we feel.