Resolutions and all That Bullshit

So here we are, upon the beginning of a new year, a new beginning, another start to a new chapter. 

Upon us is the one night, where we can kiss strangers and be hopeful for what is about to happen.  We can forget the mistakes we made and wipe the slate clean.  Party like rock stars and make plans to be better as adults, mothers, fathers, wives, husbands or friends.  I will exercise more, I will eat less, stop smoking, drinking or eating too much fast food. I will be more social, return phone calls more often, try to be more available for those that I truly still want in my life. 

We have a fresh start.  All of us make multiple mistakes, all year long.  Now is our chance for a restart.  A do over.  Less coffee, more exercise.  Take vitamins instead of pills.  Positive words as apposed to cursing. 

I have made so many mistakes over the past few years.  This new year's is significant to me, because, this is my new beginning.  This is my chance.  I am not saying, that 2012 is the year where I figure everything out, but this is the year that I find my strength.  I have grown leaps and bounds and I strive for success at this point.  Not sure how it is all going to work out, but I will make it.  I will make it work and grow to be the woman I want to be.

Stuck in my own head

a little rant

In a new place inside and out, location, emotionally, you name it, I am there!

Sick of taking bullshit, ready to hear the truth and handle it.

I have a strength, that I never knew I had. 

Crazy enough, I have more people leave my life, people whom I thought I could count on, just disappear. 

The crazy thing is, when you stand alone, you need to stand stronger.

You are the only one there to fight your battles, so you need to fight harder.

When the day is said and done, you are alone, so you'd better be okay with that.

I have always said that I knew what I stand for, but now, the cards are on the table.

I am finding out really quick, who I am, and what I am all about.

It is sad that I am realizing who really matters and how I am incapable of bullshit.

I deserve the best.

Maybe, you don't realize it, but I do.

At this point in my life, I am recognizing my "fair weather friends", and I have no room for them. 

My objective is to be a good mother, a great mother, and to grow as a healthy woman, it will be hard, I still continue to drag a couple of my suitcases behind me, but I will do my best. 

My friends and family are what give me the extra strength, but without anything I will still prosper!!

Just give me the chance.

The God's are against me, or I am no good at this!

So over the past 2 weeks I have tried to post a blog,  My computer has frozen, or the auto save didnt work and all typing was lost, so here we go again. 

Fourth time is a charm.

Here I sit, in my vulnerable state.  No regrets, but lots of worries.  I havent slept in the same bed, with a man, regularly, for over a year, but yet I find myself, sleeping on the couch most nights.  For some reason, now things have changed, maybe it is because I finally moved out of "our" house, the building where things were supposed to get better at, the home we were supposed to rebuild together.  But we didnt.

On Thanksgiving, I was without all three of my girls, and I had a day of reflection.  I had to take a hard look at myself.  I went to my old house, played with my dog, who I cant have anymore and is now my ex'es child.  I poured myself a glass of wine, smoked a bowl, lit a cigarette, and threw the tennis ball to my boy for about an hour and a half.  I said goodbye to my house, my life, my income, my dog.  It was heartbreaking, at one point I was sitting in the doorway of the house I used to love so much, and my dogs face was in my lap and I just cried.  I apologized for not being there for him over the past few weeks and for giving him up, for not being the person I wanted to be at the age of thirty six.  I aplogized to myself for not fulfilling my dreams.  But I also, stood strong and dusted off my ass and went with my head held high to my Thanksgiving engagement. 

Ending any relationship is hard, marriage or not.  But I feel from the bottom of my soul I have done something that is so true and right. 

My life very well may be lonely forever, but I have never regretted my decicions, I have never thought they weren't the right ones for me to make.  I am standing strong as I can on my own two feet, and I know that it is for the best, but I am still scared.

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend about love lost and moving forward in life.  She told me, there is someone out there for you, just be strong and wait for it.  And I had to call her bluff.  My life does not depend on another man or somebody out there waiting for me.  My life is depending on me, what I can do with it, how I can support my kids, how I can be strong within myself.

I am who I am, mistakes and all, I do not need to be saved, just understood, by anybody.