The Struggle Lessens

So life had changed a lot lately.  I take life as it comes and I choose to be happy.  The past couple years have been a struggle, but I took it in the best stride that I could and I made the decision to do the best I could and be proud of myself. 

In saying that,  within the past few months, I didn't have to force myself to be happy, I just am.  I am able to stand up on my own feet and feel proud.  I was always able to support myself, but yet my money came from my ex, I was still a dependant.  I still get the same money from him, but now I also have my own, and there is so much satisfaction in that.  Keep in mind I am not saying my satisfaction or happiness comes from money, but it is nice to know that without anyone else, I could support my children and myself financially, I haven't know this feeling in a while. 

My purpose for the past couple of years has been raising and stimulating my girls, now I have another purpose and that feels good.  I go to bed feeling complete, I have more of a purpose.  My days have become a little more complicated of course, but I like it in a way that completes me.  In the morning as I am shuffling my girls to the van, backpacks and lunchboxes in tow, I feel a sense of achievement.  I am accomplishing this, on my own, with no ones help, I feel strong. 

And the icing on this cupcake is, the time I spend at home with my girls, becomes oh so much more special, it means so much more. I am learning to cherish what I have, because I have earned it.

Meloncholy, just ignore!

Most weeks, I feel like I am just treading water.  Even when, I personally, feel like I am doing more, I have someone to remind me that I am nothing more than average. 

But please, excuse me if you will.

I got a job, I sought out day cares, went on interviews, schmoozed, immunizations, paperwork, did all I could do! 

It all sucked, never got a job before and then had to go through 3 days of childcare appointments.  But I did it.  Situations like this remind you how alone you are.  Yesterday when I took the twins to get their physical and their five shots each, I realized how alone I am.  I literally had to rely on the nurses to help me console my girls, it broke my heart that my arms where not big enough to hold Lola after her shots because I had to hold down Molli's arms so she didn't yank the needles out of the nurses hand.  Situations like this remind you how alone you are. 

Let me say it again, HOW ALONE YOU ARE.  Most days, I say that I love  being alone, I love my own space, love no opinion on what shows I watch or how often I do the dishes.  But there are days, very similar to the past couple that remind me of my dreams of raising children with a partner. 

I can do it, and I have been for years, but once in a while I daydream about being on a team, what could've been.

Happy Birthday

Today is your birthday, you should be alive and we should be celebrating it in a blow out fashion like we always did. 

It has been years and I am still pissed, still pissed, call me selfish, I don't give a shit, you are no longer alive to rebuke me. 

Seriously, I still don't get it.  I never understood how you could kill yourself hours after talking to me.  Call me self absorbed, selfish, but seriously, I really thought we were more than that. 

I must say, thanks for your other best friend you had.  I am so glad that I was never jealous of your relationship with her, because she has become my best friend.  She didn't fill your place, but she came pretty fucking close.  And the thing that pisses me off is that her and I are going to grow old together and you and I can't, because you gave up. 

You had two amazing friends, that supported your every phone call, and you left us with nothing  but a bullshit note. 

We have talked over that past couple of years, and we are grateful for each other, maybe that was the plan, but seriously, how could you be more wounded than us?  We have all had our problems.  Isn't that the point of life?

Life is shitty.  I love you, but damn it, I will miss you forever!

Sad Tonight

I had to hurt someone tonight.  And it is affecting me because I feel like I have been hurting people lately.

I am starting to think it is my fault.  Most days I feel like I relate better to men, some of my best friends are men, women tend to be a little more trivial, while men are pretty straight forward.  The only problem with this is, once in a while the same man who has been your friend for most of your life decides he is in love. 

What is that saying we know within two minutes if there is chemistry or not?  I guess that is where I stand, I decided right away, that you are not someone that I want to spend my life with, but that doesn't mean I don't adore you. 

Anyways, one of my guy friends I have know since I was about twelve, has decided I am the one.  Keep in mind I completely believe his "clock" is ticking, and I am comfortable, his family loves me, my family loves him, it is oh so convenient. 

The thing that sucks is that tonight, I had to tell him I wasn't the one.  It is hard for me to stand my ground, I usually like to tell people what they want to hear or just be vague and not give an opinion.  But I could tell that I needed to draw the line, and it was very hard, but necessary.

The funny thing was it made me think about my relationships that I have had. 

Maybe, there has been a man or two that needed to let me go, but didn't want to hurt me.  Is it better to be straight forward and cause a little pain, or is ignoring a text and hoping they get the point more painful. 

I know for me, it is harder for me to have the conversation, but at least it is cut and dry and we can both go on with our lives.

I'll figure it out

So my upstairs neighbor was a bothersome man for the first week or so I was here,  I didn't really recognize it at first, I just thought he was a little bit overly flirty, he is younger than I, so I didn't read into it too much.  But after I shot him down enough, he is practically borderline rude. 

Tonight, I went out to give my dog his late night pee, and there is my neighbor, he needs to bum a smoke so I give him a little shit, for avoiding me lately.  Essentially, his verbage added up to his ego and me wanting nothing to do with him physically.  I, naturally gave him his shit back and said, who cares if I don't want to mess around with you, we can be neighborly.  What was shocking for me was  his reaction was something along the lines of, I don't need to be friends with a girl unless I am getting something out of it.  Of course, I grabbed my cigarette out of his mouth and went on my merry way.  But it got me to thinking.  Maybe, several years ago I would have giggled this off and not seen the asshole that this pompous ass really is. 

I am so glad my life isn't several years ago, a little worried that I am single in the here and now, and hoping I have the advantage of years of dating and the knowledge of relationship skills at my back.

Thanks fucking Giving

So here I am, right around the corner from my second Thanksgiving away from my kids.  I know that in the grand scheme of things I get them on Christmas, but I am fully realizing that once again, I have had child or children with a man who I do not spend my holidays with.  The ex husband and I have tried over the past two years to do minimal activities together to give the girls a sense of family, but have discovered that even though we have good intentions, we end up fighting and that is a benefit to no one, especially our children.  I guess I thought it was OK to fake the funk every once in a while because this is what I do with my other child, from another man.  My oldest daughters father and I haven't spoke in years, but we are there for every function, sitting in the same row, holding each others children while cheering on the child we have together, yet never even passing a single word to each other. 

Throughout my life, I have learned to pretend everything is OK.  I made a lot of mistakes in raising Payton, and I am sure I will make a few more, but what thing I learned is that when I get along with her other family and fake the funk, she thrives.  I guess that is why I do it with Molli and Lola.  I will put myself through a function and let Brett be included because I know they thrive off of it.  I will bite my tongue and try to not argue when he annoys me so much that I could smash my head through a brick wall. 

I think Brett and I are about to run our course on this interaction, mostly because I admit, not even I have that much patience, so lets call this spade a spade. 

I am only his friend when he doesn't have a girlfriend, he only wants to help out when he isn't getting lade, and it has been two years of trying to be semi stable.

I didn't have a father growing up, so I am giving a little too much slack on this parental rope.  I am going to buckle down and stop putting myself in situations that are to stressful for me and my girls.  No more free passes, you do not pass go, you do not collect two hundred.  Nut up and be a dad on your own time, cuz I have realized my time is too valuable and you no longer pay the fee for my time. 

Feeling Old

So tonight I have been talking to an old friend, and by old, I mean he is just a year older than I am.  I have known him since the summer before my second year of school.  His father was actually my stepfathers boss.  Weirdly enough, his father was the principal of the boarding school where my stepfather was the assistant dean of the boys dorm where we both went to high school at. 

My family moved there due to issues that accrued between my stepfather and I.  I used to go to Eric's house because he had four wheelers and was, oh so cool.  Somehow, over the years we never lost touch,  He always said that I am his little sister, even though half of my middle school evolved around me crushing on him. 

Luckily for me, through elementary school and high school he never looked at me as anything more than a friend.  And luckily for him in college, I never looked at him as more than the friend I had my whole life.  Because, still to this day, we are still so close.  We have the relationship that  brothers and sisters should have, hopefully.  We talk about relationships and what not, blah blah. 

About a year ago, he had a dinner party to attend in my area, he no longer lives any where close to me or his family.  Anyways,  I went with him, and the whole night, we had to answer questions  on how we were not together and we kept saying, we are practically related, leave us alone.  I remember thinking that night, as I am still doing tonight damn, leave us alone, we are just friends.

  We are born into our family.  Some of us are very lucky and we are born into supportive people that listen to our problems and are tied to the drama that seeps from our veins.  But then, sometimes we get lucky to have friends that have our back, even though we aren't related they will take a bullet for us, or at least listen to our drama at ten pm, when no one else answers. 

Tonight, E told me he bought a ring for his girl.  It is about time, he has been through a lot of my same situations and we have spent many a night over the past million years talking about the love we deserve and yet, do not get.  I am so happy for him, but yet a little bit jealous.

Shitty Day

some days just suck more than others, so today I am reverting back to my go to song!

I don't need your stupid ass to tell  me how horrible I am or what a piece of shit mom that I am.  I have my dreams and my first and last breath of the day to tell me that.  Fuck you and your wannabe religious horse you rode in on.   And FYI,  your soapbox is crumbling because termites are devouring it!   And by the way I don't give a shit what you think of me, cuz I don't regard your opinion as much more than a stress factor.  Yes, you made me cry today, but I took a xanax, swigged a beer and got over you.  Fuck off in a blaze of glory!

Not half bad

He's not perfect.  You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect.  But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can.  He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows, you could break.  Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give.  Don't analyze.  Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there.  Love hard when there is love to be had.  Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you.
                                                                                                                               -Bob Marley


Makes sense to me.

Living in the Now.

Doesn't really apply to me at this point in my life, but it reminds me of a few relationships or flings that I should've gotten rid of sooner than I did.  Funny, how we do that.  We keep someone around, not only so that we are not alone, but because they are familiar, because we loved them and aren't ready to let go.  Starting over is hard, especially when we live in the here and now.  Some nights I get lonely, some days I do too.  My strength only keeps me company for so long.

Another Late Night

I am yet again, unable to sleep.  Sometimes, I don't know if I love it or hate it.  It is my solitude, my only time by myself, but yet I know the am hours are going to kick my ass.  But yet, I still sit here at my dining room table listening to sappy country music on Pandora and writing. 

This past week has been a weird one, I started out sick, then the littlest joined me and has been sick ever since.  I have wrestled with one sick twin and the other, who is healthy, still needs to go to school and deal with her life.  So exhausting!  But on top of that, my emotions and dreams, crazy enough, have been plaguing me.

The beginning of the week I had a conversation with one of my good friends about relationships and how we handle them and the place that they might hold in our future.  After a bottle of wine we came to the conclusion that maybe we are not the individuals that are cut out for relationships or possibly even able to live with others.  I did not take offense to this and actually thought this might be the God's honest truth. 

But then last night I had a talk with my Dad and of course, relationships came up.  I was telling him how I am sick of people telling me how young I am, and even though, I may be divorced, there is someone out there for me, and blah fucking blah.  I told my Dad, that I am starting to get pissed, my self worth is not based on being with someone, my happiness relies on no one but myself.  Fuck yes, I am young, smart, funny and all the other shit you mentioned, but that does not mean that I will be nothing but fine by myself. 

I am in charge of my life.  I am in charge of my happiness.  I pay my bills, put gas in my car, raise my girls and a couple other things I wont mention cuz they might be considered inappropriate.  But, I, myself do all of that.  I only ask for two men, yes I know, TWO, men to father their daughters.  Aside from that, I don't give a shit about what a man has to offer me.  It would be nice to have a little "boy toy" on the side, but I don't, I have batteries, sorry all who are saying TMI right now, but, hey I am honest. 

Last night, when I was talking to my Dad and we were talking about all this, cuz yes, I tell him way to much, the same as I talk or blog, I don't keep much held back.  Anyways, his take on me was interesting.  He said,  "you are the wild girl who is sensitive and strong.  You are the one that is wanted but they are unsure of how to handle."  Of course, I have kept in mind that this is the man that I have talked to for two years but have only met once.  Either way, I thought his take on me was interesting.  Is this really how I am perceived,  am I the tiger that needs to be tamed?  Am I the crazy bitch who is fun at parties, but shit, a relationship might be a little much?  Maybe, this is why I am only had a handful of relationships and most of them have cheated on me. 

In thinking this, I have come to a conclusion.  Yes, you may perceive me as whatever you want, but until you take the time to get to know what I really want or need, please keep your opinions to yourself.  Yes, I have a lot to offer a man, I am funny, smart, cute, blah blah and blah.  But also, I am totally fine on my own, so thank you for your concern, but I will be just fine with my crazy ass!

I wasn't the only one

Yes, I cheated, but, was I the only one?

You, left me long before I left you!  Admit to your problems, or you will never achieve what you want.   I may be the mess that you mention, but I admit to my shit.  If trash can be responsible for their litter, then why cant the pedigreed dog not pick up its shit on 5th Avenue? 

Insomnia and Thoughts

So the other night I was watching Jay Leno, this is rare for me.  Either I am not awake that late or if I am, I am drinking and talking on the phone, either way, I watched it the other night.  Well, to be honest, I turned on the TV as I was cuddling under my sheets, hit the power button on the remote, and there he was. 

Anyways, there he was, and I pushed info and our USA Olympian swimmer Lochte, was one of his guests.  I viewed the interview and actually enjoyed it a bit.  But as I watched it, my wheels in my pretty little brain started turning. 

This past Olympic season, I have not been as into it as I usually have been.  This is weird for me, I thought maybe, this is the place in my life, maybe I am shutting more doors than I even know.

When I was a child, and even up until a few years ago, I was always very into the Olympics.  Possibly, this has to do with the fact that when I was a child not every second of the Olympics was televised, so I only got to see the so called highlights.  But this past year, I really could care less.  I am sure this has something to do with the fact that I have a lot going on in my life, or maybe I have just picked the sports that I like and that is all that I payed attention to. 

Either way,  I watched Lochte on Leno and my mind started thinking.  I was thinking the same thoughts that I had been pondering while I watched the very minimal Olympics that I watched over these past few weeks. 

My thoughts were this.  How amazing to grow up and have one goal, to be a gymnast or a swimmer and to win a metal and represent your country in the ultimate competition.  I cant imagine having that goal.  Growing up knowing what you want to do with your life and being determined to do so.  I have never had a goal so cut and dry.  Most of my goals have consisted of paying my rent and not screaming too much at my daughters. I don't even have a career, I am simply just trying to keep my head above the financial water so that I can pay my bills and not feel like a degenerate. 

But after I had this thought that I had about ones goal being an Olympic medal, I had to ponder, what do you do after you achieve that goal, or worse, what do you do after you don't achieve this fantasy?

Perhaps, I am not that bad off.  My goal is simply to survive and to be happy.  I should probably stop beating myself up because I don't have a gold medal.

One Last Song, I Think!

OK, so apparently, I might be listening to depressing music tonight.  Mind you, I am not depressed but maybe a little melancholy.  So here goes my song choice.  This song also strikes my fancy tonight.

Sorry, but it is what it is..

So the weird thing is I had a dream last night, I dont remember much of the details, just that I was trying to get down a mountain, via running, jumping, skiing, snowboarding off of ramps, diving through bushes, and pushing myself a crowd that included thousands including Beyonce!   But while I was running through this dream, trying to survive, this is the song I kept playing in my brain and I just heard it now and reminded me of the dream. 

My Redneck Is Showing

So it is no secret that I love me some Rascal Flatts, they are definately my favorite country band.  So tonight I am just lazing around my apartment enjoying the fact that I am the only one making any noise.  Listening to a little music and drinking more than a little wine, or atleast I will by the time I go to bed. Anyways, I just heard this song for the first time and I must say I love it almost as much as I love them.  I saw them in concert a few years back and it is one of the best I have ever seen.  I had sixth row seats and my girlfriend and I knew every word to every one of their songs, so a great time was had by all, and we both cried when they came on stage and maybe a couple after.  What else can I say but we are dorks.

Support Beam!

Thank you for being the light at the end of the tunnel and not the oncoming train.

Thank you for answering all my calls, even though you have your own shit to deal with.

When our best friend chose to leave us, we mourned together and I am so grateful.  I cant imagine getting through this without you.  She was a constant in our life and some how we were able to reach out to each other.  As hard as this situation was, I couldn't have done it with out you. 

You have become my rock, via phone, you have become my best friend.  I actually make a conscience effort not to call you every night, because I want to do it every night.  Your voice gives me comfort, your advice, helps me through my next day. 

I hate the circumstances that brought us together, yet I am so glad to have you as my friend, but I guess I am still clinging to my silver lining, and that is you. 

You brought me through this.  You felt my pain with Cyndi, you listened to my marriage/divorce drama.  You were there for it all.

I just hope I was there for you.  And I hope you know how much you mean to me. 

Amazing, doesn't  describe who you are to me, and everyone around you!  I admire you so much, the mother you are to Evan and Alli,  I don't even scratch the surface.  You try your best at everything you do and I am so glad to be your friend. 

Diary Journal 98, I Think..

These past few weeks seem to have gone by really fast.  Making some minuet changes that will hopefully add up into something bigger. 

First, of all, I am changing the relationships I have with people, some might guess that I am expecting more and accepting less.  This is working out well when it comes to raising my daughters, if nothing else.  Before, I always thought the more activities that I did with them, the more quality they would think we had together, but instead it seems to be the opposite.  I used to take them to events, be it a movie, the park or some festival that is going on.  But now I am realizing what they really want to do is bust out the paints or play dough and create something.  That is what they see as quality, Me.  And that is when we get to talk and get to know each other, when our hands are messy, our hearts become open. 

Also, I am learning to stop beating myself up over everything and instead change the things I don't like.  Right now that thing is my body.  The joke is that all I needed to do to gain weight was get a divorce.  For the past fifteen years I have been trying to gain fifteen pounds, then in the past six months I have put on thirty and I am not happy about it.  So two weeks ago, I have decided to shut up and do something about it.  The gym is hard for me to attend, with the girls, and finding a gym that is close enough, has daycare and is something that is in my price range.  So for that reason, I have resorted to good "old" fashioned workout DVDs.  I actually am glad that I don't have a gym membership, because I can barely get through this Jillian Michaels workout without having a heart attack, so I would look like a fool in front of a room full of people.  Either way, I am trying right?  And the bottom line is I am seeing results, maybe not the progress that puts me on a beach in a bikini this next weekend, but it is what it is. 

Most of all, I am super nervous about what is taking place in my life two weeks from now.  The youngest two girls and I will be flying to CDA, Idaho to visit their paternal grandparents.  Flying by myself with my two three year old inquisitives will be hard enough by itself.  We fly to Seattle where we have a two hour layover before flying to Spokane.  Thinking this layover alone, makes me want to take a xanax.  Carrying two car seats, my purse and keeping them from running off, while potty breaks, a little exercise, and finding our next gate, stresses me out just a tiny bit, actually, carrying the car seats and not putting them on a public bathroom floor, while keeping them from touching anything is my only real concern.  But after we land in Spokane, it is the awkward visit with the family that was supposed to be my in laws til the end and I am uncertain of the talks that will probably pursue.  I haven't seen some of them since, they learned that we were splitting up or talked to them either.  I know that there were hopes that B and I would work out, and somehow, I feel like I disappointed them.  There is a part of me that knows and is sad to admit, that this will be my last visit there.  I am visiting them with their grand babies one last time because this is the only way they can see them, but I think it will be too hard, complicated and painful for us after this.  I guess that I should be optimistic, they did ask me visit, olive branch extended, but yet I am sure I will want to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink a bottle of wine a day, and can't.  Fingers crossed it will all work out, at least the house is huge and the girls and I can escape up into our wing or just go for a walk and be the three of us, like we are used to.

Trying to not be skeptical and instead find my strength.  Keep up with the progress, the only person I need to impress is myself, the rest will fall into line.

Perimenobullshit

So this last month, I found out I am perimenopausal.  Which, essentially means I am fucked.  I was already crazy, but now I have even more hormones running through my body, just incase I wanted to prove otherwise. 

The good thing is, that explains a little bit of the weight gain that is forming around my belly, and the emotions that I am feeling.  I guess I no longer need to feel like the psycho bitch that I was beginning to feel like.

But the bad thing is, I feel like a psycho.  I struggle with controlling my irrationality and all the emotion that comes with it. 

I can't sleep to save my life, and I cant sort through my emotions enough to save it. 

I am trying to be a decent mom, not even good, just decent, but I feel so spent by the time I put my kids to bed that I fall asleep from exhaustion.

I don't want my daughters to suffer because I have problems, but shit, can someone help me deal with my emotions?

I am not yet dwelling in crazy town, just expressing my overwhelming feelings of not being enough.

This is all I got!

So I have had two almost four year olds, sick for days.  I am beyond the exhausted that I was days ago.  I am frazzled, alone and stretched farther than I ever intended to be.

Not much energy to blog, but here is my song of this very late night.  I should be in bed, but I just lay there awake and thinking about shit, and that does nothing but keep me even more awake.

Blah, blah here is my song of the night.

Answer me this!

Who has never fallen in love with the wrong person. 

We know they are bad for us, or atleast we know they are not good for us. 

When it is good, it is great.  But when it isnt great, it is nothing. 

How do we keep away from them, how do we protect our hearts? 

We want them even though we know that we shouldn't.

Does the great out way the negative?

Who I am. vs. Who Am I?

So, it is no secret, that I have been contemplating my life for months, if not years.  Picking it apart, bit by bit and dissecting it, hoping to figure it out and find some answers.  Last week I went over relationships with the men in my life and tonight, I am going to dissect the women.

Now, there is two main women in my life, my mother and my grandmother, both played intrical parts in who I am today, the amazing, beautiful, and definately strong woman that I am. 

As, I write this blog, I want you to know, it has become my testiment, the book I always wanted to write, but not being an auther, this will have to do.  My mother did the best that she knew how, as her mother before her.  Both were young and emotional, and maybe were not well equipped with the skills that they needed to raise the children that they had so young, but they tried, and for that I give credit, where credit is due. 

My grandmother is my hero, she grew from nothing but dark secrets and shame.  But she had more love in her heart than all the Valentines cards produced by Hallmark and a faith in God that could put any priest or pastor to shame.  She was the strength of our family for several generations and what kept us as intact and from falling apart, most of the time. 

In saying that, she dealt with her own emotional demons, she did her best but she was only human. 

When my mother was a tween, I believe about twelve or thirteen, my grandfather got in a horrible car accident.  When the parimedics found him, they described the scene as a man with his brain wrapped around a tree.  My grandparents at the time, were probably classified as blue collar, hard workers, but they lived paycheck to paycheck.  My grandfather, worked in a lumber factory, if I remember correctly and was the breadwinner of the family, my grandmother was busy raising their four children.  After my Pap paps accident, my grandmother had to remember the love for her husband and the commitment that she made when she was sixteen, and dig down deep and not only uproot her children to be closer to family for support, but raise her four children, take on odd jobs to pay bills and if that wasnt enough, teach her husband how to walk, eat, brush his teeth and even wipe his ass.  She did all of this because of her faith in God and her dedication to her family.

In saying this, her plate was full, bless her heart, she is my hero, but all of this is impossible for one person to fulfill.  A couple years after my Pap Paps accident, a miracle according to my grandmother happened and she had another child.  Now she had five children and my Pappy to take care of,  She cleaned schools, became a nanny, was spread very thin, to say the least.  She did her very best and I will never meet another person that could give as much as she did, I miss her every day and even named one of my daughters after her.  (Another is named after my grandfather)  But a person can only give so much and I dont think all of her five children got all of the attention that they might have needed. 

I believe that my mother did her best in raising me.  But she had her own emotions that she carried from her childhood and I dont think she ever properly digested it because she was pregnant with me at the age of seventeen.  Who is mature at the age of seventeen, No One. 

Now, I am not going to start naming her mistakes, just like I would hope my daughters will not name mine when they are in their womenly years and think they have all the answers.  But I think there is something that needs to be said about figuring yourself out, atleast a little bit before you bring a little person into this world. 

My mother was never able to grow up, she never had the chance to figure out who she was and what she liked, she became a mother in highschool and that was it. 

For years, I have tried to not be like my mother.  But daily I do something that reminds me of her. 

I speant a lot of time looking at her mistakes and not until I became a woman did I realize who she was and why she is who she is.  She is a product of her mother, just like I am a product of her. 

Once I understood that, I gained a respect for her that I had never had before. 

So many times we judge people and say that if we were in their shoes we would do it differantly, but we dont really know, and that doesnt really matter. 

My mother, now that I am an adult has become one of my best friends.  We deal with our pain and grief, farely regularly, in a healthy manner I believe.  Sometimes, it is painful and sad, but I think we have an understanding for each other and there is no judgement, just love and understanding. 

Apparently, I Need a Daily Song

So, I guess I am taking a break from John Mayer for at least a couple hours.  Tonight, I am in a country mood, going back to my emotional roots.

I am also a Lady Antebellum fan, and this is the song that is tickling my fancy this late evening.

Song of the Night!

I reserve the right to change my mind.  This is the song that has my head swaying and bobbing tonight.

Remembering

John Mayer has a sweet little spot in my soul, reminds me of someone very special to me, good memories, great times.  Every time a new album comes out or I hear a song on the radio, I remember many a glass of red wine and I get a little warm and fuzzy.

Anyways, Mr. Mayer released his new album last month and it has gotten quite mixed reviews.  I personally, like it.  Being a country fan, I like that he is adding some of that into this album.  I like the oldness of the songs, long story short, Born and Raised has definitely been playing in my house for the past couple of weeks. 

As of today, The Age of Worry is one of my favorites, but it could probably change tomorrow or the day after, just depends what my mood is like.

Wednesdays Thoughts

So lately, I have been thinking a ton about relationships.  How I handle them, how I was in past ones, why they didn't work, my strengths, weaknesses, etc...  Now keep in mind, I have absolutely no conclusions or solutions, there was no light bulb moment when I realized that I had finally formulated some type of answer,  I am simply evaluating. 

In my opinion, how we handle ourselves when dating and in a romantic relationship, usually stems from our relationships that we have had growing up with our parents or family.  It is pretty typical for a girl who grew up without a father to seek out male companionship when she is older to fill a void, along with countless other reasons.  I myself have usually been very privy to the attention I receive from the opposite sex, many a shrink has reminded me this is because I never really had a constant male role model.  It probably, took me about fifteen years of dating to be comfortable enough within myself to actually be honest and stop pretending to be something that I wasn't.  My biggest dating mistake was fake it and try to make it work.  If he liked biking, I liked biking.  He wanted to snowboard all weekend, I wasted money on a new board and took lessons, hating it the whole time.  If religion was his thing, I was in church every week, even hosting a few prayer meetings.  Maybe, I was just desiring acceptance, the crazy thing is when each relationship was over, I was completely shocked.  Wondering why he didn't want me, I tried to do all the things he liked, wasn't that enough?  It took a long time for me to realize, that he didn't like me because I was lying, not just to him, but to myself!

This past week was Father's Day, for afore mentioned reasons, this ignited the wheels in my hamster wheel to spin a little faster.  I started thinking about all the fathers in my life.  My biological father whom, I have recently come in contact with and met all over the past year and a half.  The asshole my mother was married to when I was a child and who deserves no more verbiage than just that.  The man my mother is married to now, whom has treated me as his daughter since day one.  Has been there over the past twelve years whether I needed his checkbook, a funny joke, a drink or just his love.  The father of the man I married, who taught me strength and made me feel like I was the daughter he had always wanted.  My two "baby daddy's" one who would murder me if there wasn't a chance of him ever being caught and the other who still wants to be with me even after everything.  And even the ex boyfriends whom I thought were the one at some point and are themselves, fathers now.

Quite a plethora of men for me to contemplate,  all played a part of me being who I am today, even the ones I wish that I could erase, they still helped mold me in to who I am. 

Now, romantic relationshipwise, there are the three big ones,  according to most, that means I am done, supposedly you are only supposed to have two great loves.  Anyways,  to my girlfriends I refer to these men as  11/11, 12/12 and last but not least 1/1, their birth dates.  I always thought that was kind of cool and have a running joke with myself that I can never fall in love with a man unless his birth month and date are the same. 

First, is 12/12, my first true love.  He was the guy you saw from across the room and you wanted to swoon, looked like James Dean, sang like Harry Connick Jr.  We were actually in first grade together and I was his first crush, he would sit by me during story time and I wanted nothing to do with him.  Then when I started college he would tease me and call me chicken legs or bean (short for beanpole) and he was my dream come true, I could not imagine life without him.  We were together for four years.  The shitty thing about growing up is, most of the time you change, the kids we were when we first fell in love, were not the same kids when we were twenty two and realized, crying our future was not meant to be together.  He decided he wanted to be, and now is, a pastor, and lets face it, as amazing as I am, one thing I am not, is a pastors wife! 

A few years later, a couple bad relationships, too much weed, probably way too much drinking, a beautiful baby girl and some growing up later, I fall for 11/11.  Now this is the one that might have made any sense to anyone else, but felt so right to me.  Oddly enough, we might have been "together" for a month, maybe, I am not even sure if there was even a title, I don't even think there was any "I love you's" til years later.  But I was completely smitten, he was hot, smart and he could see right threw me.  I played all my games, pretended to be something I wasn't, not only did he not fall for it, he called me on it, told me to grow up and be who he and I both knew I was.  I can't really categorize our relationship by a title, except for someone I loved to the core of my soul.  If I had a date, I would cancel it because he called, if I had a boyfriend, I would leave him to experience some of the best nights of my life, I could never say no to this man, he was the only thing that felt right and made sense.

But as they say, all good things come to an end.  And by complete chance on St. Patty's Day, I meet 1/1.  By this point, my heart had been through the ringer, I had since learned that I would never meet who was right for me, unless I was me.  And this one, he worshipped me, the only problem was and I didn't realize until after we were married is, he hadn't learned how to be himself.  He was me, years earlier, the one pretending to be the person that I wanted.  Whatever I wanted to do we did, whatever I wanted to have, he bought for me, if I wanted to talk about something, he listened like it was the most amazing thing he had ever heard.  Eventually, I realized he didn't know, didn't remember any of my stories, couldn't remember the things that I liked. we had great times when times were great, but even strangers can do that.  He loved me like the air that he breathed, but had no idea why, and for the first time ever I was actually being myself. 

Weird, how life turns out, how relationships start and end.  Eb and flow.  I wonder where I will be in a few years, what will have I learned about relationships then?  What words of my silly little wisdom will I be blogging about?  I am sure I will still be dissecting my life and judging myself.  Hopefully, then I will still feel as strong as I do now and not worrying about my future too much.  Because, there is one thing that I have learned.  No matter how I mess up, in relationships or otherwise, I am still me, learning from my mistakes and pretty fucking amazing!

Sometimes..

Every once and a while I just hope someone is listening.  But I am afraid no one is...

Dream A Little Dream..

So my dreams got a little weird lately!  Last night, even though I was "sleeping" for nine hours, I was completely restless.  And here is the run down of my night, weird as it was.

First of all, I would like to say, I have thought I was one that could control my dreams, I have literally, sought counseling on this very subject.

In saying that, here we go.

First dream.  I am in my actual bed, in my existing apartment.  In my dream, I was sleeping in my bed and someone was breaking into my window.  Now normally, I am not scared, I have been a single mom before, stopped watching scary movies a long time ago, for that very reason.  Not to mention, since I moved out of my husbands care, I have bought a gun, a tazer and have a flashlight that doubles as a billy club, not to mention the 105 pound dog that sleeps beside my bed every night.  But yet, I wake up sleeping sideways in my very comfy queen, facing the window in my dream, literally in pounce position!  I awake, thinking, what are you afraid of this is not like you.

I ponder this thought for a while, wondering what is actually going on in my thought process.  I obviously am not afraid of intruders, for the most part I have taken every possible safe precaution.  So what am I really afraid of.

Then an hour or so later I fall back to sleep.

And then the weirdness really begins.

First of all I am in a boutique in a mall of some type, with my mom, who aka, lives 3000 plus miles away in reality.

So I am on an escalator of sorts and I am exiting it.  It is circular, in a weird dream manner and I step up to exit.   As I do, a Hispanic couple cuts in front of me.  They make some comment about being taller than me, and I try to joke back saying that since I am shorter I will take my place in the back.  The female doesn't realize that I am joking and thinks I am insulting her and starts to get in my face.  At this point another female gets involved and starts to make racist comments about me being white, etc..  I try to explain to both, that I was not trying to insult anyone, I am simply trying to get off this damn escalator and I am tired and need to get to a birthday party for my soon to be 4 year old twins. 

Now, this second woman has pulled a knife on me and all of a sudden there are police involved and guns and people flying all around, I am a hostage and getting poked in the back by a gun.  ( I later woke up and realized it was Molli's knee grinding into me)

For the rest of the dream I spend most of my time dodging "bad guys"  flying through bullets and saving civilians that don't have my obvious dream powers. 

Oddly enough, I wonder what is it..

I am starting to think maybe I am not as strong as I think I am.  Or maybe I need to man up and be stronger?

Am I a victim in one dream, or the hero in another?

Maybe, that is what my life is about, wondering which role I am going to play.

Cheers to You!

so we have all had an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, that meant something to us, even though we did not end up with them, or haven't yet.

This song seems to resonate feelings of the ex that we loved and got away.   A special person, one that we want the best for.

FYI...

Me and My Thought Process

So tonight I was talking to a girlfriend from my childhood.  We have known each other since about 8 or so years old.  We lost contact over the years but came back in contact a few years ago due to the wonders of facebook. 

Anyways, this morning she called me and I missed her call and was able to call her tonight after children were in bed.  I asked her how she was doing and she let me into her life.  Her husband of seventeen years had just visited a girlfriend of twenty years ago who is dying, any day now from brain cancer. 

She told me that her husband had visited his ex last week who he hadn't seen in 18 years, but she wanted to say goodbye, and neither one of them wanted to deny her that.

She had talked about her feelings about it and how most of her friends had been negative about her husband visiting his ex to say goodbye.

Being the girl that I am, I saw it differently and said as much.  What if this woman just wanted to say goodbye to the loves in her life. She is thirty five and her life is done, I would want to have some resolution.


And this is what started my wheels a churning, who would I call right now if I was lucky enough to have a deathbed to call people to. 

I could think of at least one ex boyfriend I need to have my final words with.  There are a few friends I haven't talked to in years that at least deserve a note or phone call. 

Maybe, I should tell them now.

Live, Laugh and most of all Love.

Can't Turn Pandora Off

I definitely should be going to bed soon, but the music and emotion keep flowing.  Here's another song that is gripping my emotional heart right now.

Hate Dancing Alone

I have a lot to say right now, but dont really have the energy to express it.  I am about ready to go to bed, and this song just came on.  It struck a chord with me, so here you go!

Truth Be Told

Ruffle the Feathers

So tonight, I had an upset.  A few days ago, my upstairs neighbor, who , I have become close to, opened up.  Yes, I was closer to his girlfriend, before him.  But, I am a women open to conversation, and his conversation had a lot to do with the life I had lived as a child, a childhood that was very similar to his.     But for some reason this did not settle with his girlfriend, someone, I actually thought was my friend. 

So tonight, I had to convince her, that I was not trying to compete with her and her relationship with a man that worships her.  I had to try and get her to realize that I don't want him, and that we are actually friends.

Maybe, I am a little bit more liberal than my Republican ass wants to admit, but I am pretty sure I wouldn't leave my husband who paid my bills for your 22 year old dead beat boyfriends ass.

I dare you to name the memory!

Some People Make Me Crazy

So there are some people in my life that say one thing, do another and then judge everyone else.  Really?  Are you seriously gonna have a opinion on my life, when yours, is in shambles?  I try my best and even support your, really bad decisions, but yet, you really have the time, to discriminate?  I don't think that is appropriate or nice. 

I am sick of being there for everyone and yet standing alone.

Mamas and Their Mania

So this past Mother's Day found me in a very different place than I have been. A little braver, a little stronger, very introspective. Now, Mother's Day is always weird for me, it falls right around my birthday, which some years can be a very hard time for me. As I turn a year older, I start to judge myself, or I guess I should say I try NOT to judge myself.  I have long since learned not to compare my self to others, if I start that, I might as well call it a life and hit the restart button.  But I must admit, as a new age approaches, I do take a deeper look at my achievements and goals. 

This year surprisingly was not that big of a deal though.  Maybe, because this past year or so, I have lost a lot and had to recover, friends, homes, husbands, money even family. 

No longer is my focus what I do not have, it is what I do have.  When going through a divorce and dividing up possessions you realize, how monetary all your belongings really are.  I can start from scratch as long as I have my girls.  The flat screen TV doesn't really matter that much,  maybe I will afford one later. 

I have lost some friends, friends I thought would walk through the fire with me.  That was one of the hardest things, but oddly enough, there is always somebody there to fill up their places.  Luckily, I moved right beside some girls that have become my good friends. 

Who knows what I will be doing next Mothers Day, but whatever it is, I will be OK and I will still be rolling with life's punches.

Can't Help Myself

So one of my all time favorite men, has a new video!  His sexiness makes me feel sexy!

Totally Love This

RIP MCA

So yesterday I was driving around in the am, doing errands and such.  For some reason I kept hearing a whole bunch of Beastie Boy songs, and I kept turning up the volume and rocking out with my three year olds in tow .

After a morning of spending way too much money, I got home and since my toddlers had woken up way too early, they took a nap and I was able to get on the computer and check in on the world. 

Upon signing into my homepage, I was able to see that Beastie Boy Adam Yauch had passed away.  Now of course, I do not know him, he is not my friend or even any one that I know.  But I love my music and I love the songs that play a part in my life, throughout my whole life, so it still saddened me. 

Now the funny thing is when I was 13ish, I bought 3 cassette tapes, one was Whitney Houston, I loved the song, "I wanna Dance" cuz I really wanted to dance with somebody, the other tape was by Debbie Gibson, and I wish I had a reason for that one other than it was in at the time.  But the third was "Licensed to Ill" by the Beastie Boys.  The funny thing was when I was in seventh grade I was in a group called Pathfinders, it was my religions form of girl/boy scouts.  We went on camporees, had meetings every week, helped out our community, etc...  I loved it, and even more than Pathfinders, I loved Adam Furr.  He was two years older than me, and I thought he was fantastic.  Anyways, he loved the Beastie Boys, but he didn't have the tape.  So the next weekend we were do for a weekend camp trip and I made sure, I had "licensed to Ill" , my Walkman, and a set of headphones that could be shared by two.  And let me tell you that two hour van trip could not have gone better, thank you auto reverse!  Now nothing ever happened between Adam Furr and I, but my thirteen year old ass was satisfied, thank you Beastie Boys!  It was my first experience of music helping a girl set the mood.

Fast forward ten years, "Hello Nasty"  was just out.  A bunch of us bought tickets, one of them is my oldest daughters father.  We were all so excited, there were about five girls and five guys, we arrive at the concert in Oakland, us girls decide that our second tier tickets are just not enough and that we are going to rush the stage.  Of course all the guys think we are crazy and tell us not to, and just as the Beastie Boys are being introduced and running onto stage, the lights are off, everything is dark, we rush the security and storm onto the stage floor.  We are able to get right to the stage, touch all their hands, watch them jump around non stop for three hours singing the songs we had been singing for years.

I guess the point is, music is a part of my life, differant artist and genres are differant segments of my story, so it is always sad to see someone go, but yet I am thankful that they are a part of my story!

I must admit!

Anyone who knows me knows I have a small obsession with Adam Levine, infact, he was one of my "freebies in my marriage.  Just wanted to say this song does a little something to me.

Two AM Mistakes

So approximately two years ago, I was diagnosed with GAD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder,  the smallest anxiety disorder you can have, but it is mine, I will claim it.  I walked into my doctors office telling him how somedays I think my brain is going to expode from all the stress I feel and how I wake up at night just creating lists on the tablet of paper on my nightstand.  Luckily, for me, I had a doctor that did not perscribe pills so much as classes.  He had me not only enroll in counseliling, both group and private, but meditation, stress management, yoga and something along the lines of a class that taught me how to breath. 

Little did I know that I actually was breathing in a way that was not effective for my heart and lungs to work properly,  yes, I am that crazy and screwed up.  But, also,  I learned ways to control my mind or atleast my breathing and get myself to calm down.  Excluding when I have been drinking, in that case all bets are off. 

At about this same time one of my best friends commited suicied, litterally, about a week into my treatment, so to speak.  I guess you could say, this worked out towards my favour, because here I had been going to my classes and hearing about anxiety attacks, the symptoms and how to handle them.  And litteraly, after my friends death, I had my first one, and without these classes, I would've thought I was having a heart attack!  Instead, I was able to figure out what was going on, and work on my breathing, put my ass in the shower, which is my safe zone, and regroup.

I am still a mess, probably always will be.  I call exes at 2 am and wonder why I wasnt good enough,  I stress over friends that I have ended relationships with,  and yes on some Sundays, I even watch Lifetime,  I am immature, wrong, a complete mess, I have no deffense. 

Maybe all I can focus on now is my girls.  period.

I Still Love Love

So this weekend my girls and I spent the weekend in Berkeley.  We had a wedding to be a part of, the twins were ring bearers and I was giving a speech, which oddly enough, I was a little nervous about.  So we rented a house for the weekend and the weather couldn't have been better.  Luckily, I did not take my dog like I had originally planned, but opted for kenneling instead.  That would have been biting off more than I could even try to chew.

Friday night was "batchelorette" party.  This consisted of me, the bride, her gay best friend and every bar in Berkeley that was within walking distance from her house, and surprisingly, there was a lot.   I haven't been bar hopping in what seems like years, so it was fun to let my hair down and let loose.  I also hadn't laughed that hard in a very long time.  I really thought it would be hard for me to be supportive of my friend getting married, especially since marriage had given me such a bad taste in my mouth, but it wasn't.  The happiness, devotion and dedication she felt for her soon to be husband was infectious.  You couldn't help but smile when she talked about him or their wedding, the plans she had for their lifetime together.  I remembered what being in love felt like, when the best part of the day is when you get to see each other, whether you are ripping off each others clothes or making dinner while they read a book. 

I surprised myself during the reception when it came time for me to give my speech.  I walked up their with Molli holding my hand, my quotes and little jokes memorized.  Two sentences later, I had tears running down my face, looking at the two of them, so much in love listening to my words.  I felt content and happy, realizing I have come a long way.  Of course, I will still have a night now and again when I might feel lonely or jilted, maybe even depressed.  But I know that I am not that cynical woman I was starting to think I might become.

I am very fortunate to have all the love in my life that I do have.  I have two little girls who think the world of me, I have another who is twelve and is starting to realize that I am a total dork, but she loves me just the same.  I have enough friends and family that offer me support.  So why should I hate on someone who is in a relationship that works for them, the answer is I shouldn't.  We all choose our paths, this one is mine, and it isn't too bad, so I am choosing to love myself again.

Hey, do you wanna come out, and play the game,

it's never too late!

So last night, one of my twins woke me up just by using the bathroom.  She never spoke to me, never even really made much noise, but she woke me up just the same.  So I clicked on the netflix app on my ipad and watched a movie called Camp.  Now I have watched this movie a couple other times before, but last night it struck me differently.  I get being different, standing up for who you are.  Love it, more power to you.  But how about, not saying you are something and standing on your soapbox, but really not backing it up.  Let's be who we say we are.  If you can write a blog about what you stand for to the half dozen people who read it, why don't you back up your words when you speak or hang out with those same individuals?  I really don't ask for much, I might be one of the laziest girls you have ever met, but, I am still real, and you must  be honest with me, cus I can smell your bullshit.

What doesn't kill me..

It takes something strong to get through divorce and two babies daddies, and friends leaving you, and men you thought would be there for you.  Handle my emotion, my life, and tell me what you think, judge me then.  I know what I feel and what I know. You do not. 

brand new girl

I have been threw enough, to decide what I need and what I don't.  I was married, I was a cheater.  I am a realizer, I am a learner.  Trying to grow up, trying to learn from mistakes.  I want to be the woman that developed.  I know that no one is perfect, but I also know that lessons can be learned.  I am sick of being the woman that could be something eventually, I am a work in progress, except or don't.

listen to it

Confused

Dont know what you want from me! 

Cleaning House and Taking Out The Trash

So lately, I have been going through a cleaning faze, friendship wise, that is.  If I am getting a divorce, I might as well get rid of all the garbage.  Sadly enough, I am realizing, I have a lot of garbage, physical and emotional.  Crazy thing is, I am so excited to put it on the curb.  Normally, I would be sad and nostalgic, but not this time.  For some reason,  I am thrilled over purging all my baggage.  I am ready to start over!  For so long I have been lugging these metaphorical suitcases behind me, and it is getting tiresome.  I am ready to leave them on the side of the road and catch the next bus, or walk for that matter. 

This past week, I am loosing a friend.  Maybe, if it was a different time in my life, I wouldn't loose him.  But right now, I am incapable of his bullshit.  Unfortunately, I am who I am, and I am where I am, and I can not stand for this melodramatic, highschoolish behaviour.  Our friendship after ten years is more than than that, I am better than that, and I did nothing wrong.  In saying that, I feel like at the age I am, I should only be having adult relationships that offer me pleasure or growth, not turmoil and stress. 

Before I ramble on and turn this into a bitch fest, I will stop and say this.  Be the best friend you can be, love who you love, and dance til  you get sweaty!

Thinking

Talk is cheap Mr. Big!

Tonight, I had a long talk with a girlfriend.  Her and I have parallels, that are uncanny, as different as we are, there are an abundance of similarities and for that, as other reasons, our bond is unbreakable.  

In saying that, we, as many other woman in our age group, we have a Mr. Big.  The man that you loved more than any other, the one that you knew might only break your heart, but you hoped, like you have never hoped before, that he didn't.   For years, you are there, trying to prove yourself, hoping he realizes, that you are the one, that loves him more than any other, the one who is accountable, reliable and trustworthy of his love. 

As woman, men may think we are needy, but really, just give us that inch, a text message that asks about our day, or better yet, just comment on our lame facebook status, all we are doing is reaching out, hoping someone will respond,  better yet, you. 

Anyways, my sweet girl, finally had enough of her Mr. Big, after seventeen years.  She realized she was better than reaching out and not being responded to.  Her requests were not unachievable, all she needed was acknowledgement, a little bit of understanding and compassion.  She wasn't asking for roses or a diamond ring.  China patterns were not being picked out, all she wanted was a friend. 

How often do we as woman, settle for less than a friendship, in the hopes that they realize we are cool enough and decide we are the best things that ever happened to them. 

I have enough girlfriends to know, that it is really the simple things that matter.  Yes, we all grew up watching or listening to fairy tales, but we also grew up knowing that doesn't really exist.  Our perfect relationship is someone sending us a text message to ask us about a day, and maybe a sexy sweet dreams wish before we fall asleep.  If a man responds to a woman's connection and maybe even sends out a greeting all on his own, phenomenal. 

Not asking for much.  But the point of my longwindedness, is this, first of all, so proud of my friend, she stood up for her needs, even though it was hard and because she really didn't want too.   She wanted to be with this man til the end of time.  But she stood up for herself, and for her heart, she said, I wanted more and I deserve it.  Secondly, we all do this, we get comfortable, maybe we expect things to evolve on their own or maybe we don't feel worthy or capable for anything deeper.  But we wait for it to happen, we hope and dream for it to happen.  The funny thing is at first, the dreams are big.  Oh, I want to marry him, then six years later, we say, Oh, I am fine with being his girlfriend, then eventually, we just want him to ask us out when he is with his friends. 

I guess, we all need to take a look at our relationships and make sure they are what we need.  If you need more, stand up for your self.  If you are satisfied, stop complaining.

Everyone needs some sex!

How is it that every day is the same and yet different.  I go through the same  routine.  Wake up to two three year old touching my face and letting me know what trouble they have already gotten into.  I give myself a minute to process and crawl out of bed to deal with whatever mess needs to be cleaned up.  Every day it is differant, but yet the same.  And so is my life, every day there is something I need to tackle, different, yet the same. 

I wonder if this is my life.  Motherhood, without sex or a man cuddling me while I watch a chick flick in the hopes of sex.  Now, I can watch all the chick flicks motherhood will allow, minus the cuddles and definitely without the sex. 

This leads me to my next point.  If I was a man, I would be going out, meeting girls and getting laid.  Even if the latter was an option for me I cant do that, I am a lady.  Sex is not something I should  be having, that would make me a slut.  And apparently according to Oprah, I shouldn't be having orgasms either. 

I don't get it.  I cant have sex with a man cuz I don't want my number to get bigger.  But I cant date, cuz I am not in a position to have the time for that right now.  So what am I stuck with, B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) 

And men freak out over a sexually active woman.  Heaven forbid a woman just wants to get laid once in a while.  They are afraid that we might fall in love and then they wont be able to get rid of us.  Or maybe it is because we become sluts after we sleep with a man that isn't committed to us. 

And so I end my double standard rant.  Cant we all just have sex and not be judged!  It is proven that a sexually active person is happy, hell, the seventies were based on it.