Resolutions and all That Bullshit

So here we are, upon the beginning of a new year, a new beginning, another start to a new chapter. 

Upon us is the one night, where we can kiss strangers and be hopeful for what is about to happen.  We can forget the mistakes we made and wipe the slate clean.  Party like rock stars and make plans to be better as adults, mothers, fathers, wives, husbands or friends.  I will exercise more, I will eat less, stop smoking, drinking or eating too much fast food. I will be more social, return phone calls more often, try to be more available for those that I truly still want in my life. 

We have a fresh start.  All of us make multiple mistakes, all year long.  Now is our chance for a restart.  A do over.  Less coffee, more exercise.  Take vitamins instead of pills.  Positive words as apposed to cursing. 

I have made so many mistakes over the past few years.  This new year's is significant to me, because, this is my new beginning.  This is my chance.  I am not saying, that 2012 is the year where I figure everything out, but this is the year that I find my strength.  I have grown leaps and bounds and I strive for success at this point.  Not sure how it is all going to work out, but I will make it.  I will make it work and grow to be the woman I want to be.

Stuck in my own head

a little rant

In a new place inside and out, location, emotionally, you name it, I am there!

Sick of taking bullshit, ready to hear the truth and handle it.

I have a strength, that I never knew I had. 

Crazy enough, I have more people leave my life, people whom I thought I could count on, just disappear. 

The crazy thing is, when you stand alone, you need to stand stronger.

You are the only one there to fight your battles, so you need to fight harder.

When the day is said and done, you are alone, so you'd better be okay with that.

I have always said that I knew what I stand for, but now, the cards are on the table.

I am finding out really quick, who I am, and what I am all about.

It is sad that I am realizing who really matters and how I am incapable of bullshit.

I deserve the best.

Maybe, you don't realize it, but I do.

At this point in my life, I am recognizing my "fair weather friends", and I have no room for them. 

My objective is to be a good mother, a great mother, and to grow as a healthy woman, it will be hard, I still continue to drag a couple of my suitcases behind me, but I will do my best. 

My friends and family are what give me the extra strength, but without anything I will still prosper!!

Just give me the chance.

The God's are against me, or I am no good at this!

So over the past 2 weeks I have tried to post a blog,  My computer has frozen, or the auto save didnt work and all typing was lost, so here we go again. 

Fourth time is a charm.

Here I sit, in my vulnerable state.  No regrets, but lots of worries.  I havent slept in the same bed, with a man, regularly, for over a year, but yet I find myself, sleeping on the couch most nights.  For some reason, now things have changed, maybe it is because I finally moved out of "our" house, the building where things were supposed to get better at, the home we were supposed to rebuild together.  But we didnt.

On Thanksgiving, I was without all three of my girls, and I had a day of reflection.  I had to take a hard look at myself.  I went to my old house, played with my dog, who I cant have anymore and is now my ex'es child.  I poured myself a glass of wine, smoked a bowl, lit a cigarette, and threw the tennis ball to my boy for about an hour and a half.  I said goodbye to my house, my life, my income, my dog.  It was heartbreaking, at one point I was sitting in the doorway of the house I used to love so much, and my dogs face was in my lap and I just cried.  I apologized for not being there for him over the past few weeks and for giving him up, for not being the person I wanted to be at the age of thirty six.  I aplogized to myself for not fulfilling my dreams.  But I also, stood strong and dusted off my ass and went with my head held high to my Thanksgiving engagement. 

Ending any relationship is hard, marriage or not.  But I feel from the bottom of my soul I have done something that is so true and right. 

My life very well may be lonely forever, but I have never regretted my decicions, I have never thought they weren't the right ones for me to make.  I am standing strong as I can on my own two feet, and I know that it is for the best, but I am still scared.

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend about love lost and moving forward in life.  She told me, there is someone out there for you, just be strong and wait for it.  And I had to call her bluff.  My life does not depend on another man or somebody out there waiting for me.  My life is depending on me, what I can do with it, how I can support my kids, how I can be strong within myself.

I am who I am, mistakes and all, I do not need to be saved, just understood, by anybody.

mmmmm

Pleasures and Pain

One of my guilty pleasures is my TV shows. I must admit there is not much I love more than crawling in between those cool sheets at the end of a long day and grabbing that remote with my greedy little fingers.

Keep in mind, most of what I watch is complete crap and I am embarrassed to watch most of it, but not sorry, guilty pleasure! One of these so called shows is "Private Practice" a spin off of Grey's Anatomy. Possibly, I like this show because, here, we have a handful of successful, beautiful, normal as it may seem, people, that have problems. Ding, ding, ding, OMG, I have problems too! What a coincidence. Now, if these beautiful, successful, doctors, who are having way more sex than I am, and are wearing the latest fashions, are having problems, way worse than mine, then maybe, for the love of God, and this run on sentence, I just might be OK too!

So tonight, watching Private Practice, I was feeling the emotion of these pretend characters, and I was feeling their feelings, relating their life to my own. Maybe, this is the part of me or the reason why, I love these characters so much. Because if she can make this mistake, with her trust fund and her glitz and glamour, I am allowed to make my share of mistakes too.

Approximately, a year ago I woke up one morning next to my husband. I was awake, much longer than him and was lying on my back contemplating. He woke up, smiled at me with his morning breath and spoke two words, "Good Morning." All I could say as I looked at him was, "I want a divorce" I will not recite the rest, but let's just say a month later, I kissed another man.

Now there are many details, that are left out. But, am I pathetic to get strength from a television. I make my own thoughts and my decisions derive from them, but it is so nice to see that hot blond in Chanel make bad decisions too.

I know life is a journey of growth and development, but damn, can I take a sabbatical.

Blame It On Me

I have been wondering if it is all me. Have I created this whole situation in my mind? I wonder if that is the case, because I am hardly desiring a situation right now. I have been barely out of my last "situation" I am desiring to find my own footing. That being said, I love your company, but not asking for much more than that. I am hardly that girl. Don't get me wrong I have all the problems of a woman my age, but the body of a woman half my age, give me some credit. ( I apologize for the boobage!) But maybe you need to get me a little more than you do! Or maybe, you don't like what you see and are too kind to give me that blow to my ego.

You are my friend always, no one can say nor can you ever do anything to take our history or my gratitude away from me.

Maybe it is because I am at such an insecure place in my life right now, and I apologize. But I want to know who you are, I want to know more than I know and get to that man. I am so scared of another woman realizing who you are and taking you away from me. I guess, I am scared because I am obviously not up to par yet, and she might be.

I am just a girl. A girl with feelings and a heart full of fear, problems and love to the edges of the earth. I always wonder if I shouldn't answer the phone when you call. There are so many times that my texts go undected or responded to. Is my payback not answering you? No, I don't care, I am just glad that I am the one you called. So pathetic, but you are the one I want to talk to before I close my eyes.

Monday and Meloncholy

Every time I go anywhere with my kids, no matter which ones, I always get comments from complete strangers on how they look like me. Now, I don't necessarily think that my kids look like I do now, but they definitely look the way I did when I was their ages. Lie my childhood pictures beside theirs and the resemblance is uncanny. Now there are a couple of reasons this seems a little odd to me. First, of all, growing up I never looked anything like my family. Of course, I grew up with a step dad and no one expected me to look like him, but I never had a cousin or aunt whom even resembled anything I looked like, but yet they all looked the same. Now, the second reason the resemblance is a little surprising, is my children have two different dads that have no similarities when it comes to their appearances! One is brown, brown and more brown, the other is as white as one can get. But yet, my girls all look exactly the same, like me. The joke has always been that I am so controlling I don't even let a mans DNA participate in the creation of my children.

The similarities between my daughters and I are not only visual, they also have a lot of my attitude, emotional craziness, TV/ chocolate addiction, etc... Now the little ones are around me pretty much 24/7, so of course they are going to be all mommy, some days I am all that they see. But the oldest one spends more time with her step mom than she does me, so I am always a little proud when she exhibits my behaviour, unless of course she is being psycho.

This weekend I saw some differences that I had never seen before. A little eye opening, but it got me to thinking, as opposed to sleeping. Now I was a single mother with my oldest, but yet she had lots of extended family. I was very close with her paternal grandparents and we did a lot of activities together. Her father, even though, was not present so much, due to distance, when he was there he was always with his now wife and her family. All of P's grandparents are divorced and remarried, she has never had a shortage of people surrounding her, her family dynamic may be confusing to her friends, but it is her normality and she has always felt supported. This is something I hope she will be able to carry into her teen years and keep the trouble she gets into down to a minimal.

Now my youngest two are a different story. There is no family for miles and miles. I see mine a couple times a year and their paternal grandparents are every other month at best. At least, that is how it used to be, now they too are a couple times of year, maybe. Now I know traveling is expensive and time consuming. That is not the issue to me. I have learned over the past couple of years to work through my issues myself. There are no times that I can drop my little girls off at a grandparents house, so if they are not with there father, which is minimal they are with me. Even though their father and I resided together for the first couple of years of their lives, I am starting to wonder if we ever lived together. Our lives were always separate, before we had children, it didn't matter though. I have always enjoyed my alone time. Believe it or not, I start to go crazy if cant spend regular time by myself. Now that my 3 year olds are no longer napping, I feel a little overwhelmed. Not until their 830pm bedtime do I get my much needed decompression time. After the twins were born, however, I thought his priorities would change, maybe family time would become valuable since there was now a family present. Nope, lives were still lived separately, I was still a single parent even though I was married. I must admit, he was a good provider, but that is were his responsibility ended. Maybe that is why, it is easier for us to hang out occasionally with our children and go to events now. We have spent so much time not communicating that why start now.

My worry is, will I be enough for them and will they be too much for me? Of course, there is no option available, and we must all use the hand we were dealt. But it saddened me when my youngest told me that she doesn't have a daddy in her family. I know what it is like to crave relationships. I know I definitely spend way to much time hounding my friends on the phone and I try not to take it personal when calls and texts are not returned. As much as I love my down time, I also love to interact. And lets face it, a woman can not survive on raising her kids alone. I love being a mother, but sometimes I would like to just be a woman.

Heart of the Matter

What generates the blood that flows through my veins? Is it my heart? And what is my heart, is it the emotion I feel, is it science? Who the fuck knows?

Lately, I have been judging myself and dissecting who I am as a woman, as a person. What have I had interests in, who are the men that I have loved, what kind of a mother am I?

I am so torn by these questions, because I really am asking them. I have loved a couple really good men, had some amazing connections. I have children with two men, who before giving birth, I thought they believed in me. These days, I presume that after labour and delivering a man's child he must discard me and throw me to the curb.

God only knows, I realize how crazy I am. I am emotional and I fly off the handle multiple times a week and feel shame for my psychotic behaviour.

Maybe part of me thinks I am better than most because I see my flaws and I am trying to work on them. I try to keep my downfalls in check, so doesn't that count for something? Can't I be held accountable for trying to fix my issues?

I ask these questions, because I am scared. Lately, I have been hit with a lot of first rate hook-ups. Once you become single, everyone tries to set you up with your "perfect" match. It bothers me because why does my status involve being with a man. Why can't I be amazing all on my own? Can't I be complete all on my own! I am a beautiful, smart, amazing mother, all on my own, no man, just me. Isn't that enough?

I believe in teamwork and that two is better than one, God only knows that I wish I had children with a man who knew whom I was and appreciated it. But I didn't, and here I am.

I am Robin, here me roar!

Growing

This weekend, I had the privilege of visiting a girlfriend and her family that I had not socialized with in about 3 years. We both worked at the same place during our last pregnancies, she was due earlier than me, but since I had twins we gave birth 4 days apart, but haven't hung out since. Anyways, we just coordinated our schedules and I drove up to her families house in the mountains only 30 minutes away.

I was without all of my children so my hair was let down a little bit more than usual. My friend lives with and helps out with her 86 year old father, Larry. After visiting and having a cocktail or three, I decide that I need to smoke, my sweet friend says, well come meet my father he is in his room/suite smoking by himself, lets take him a glass of cabernet. So I introduce myself and four hours later I am in love.

By the time I left I knew how to fire a gun, wear a fur coat that cost more than my life, and the feelings that are felt after you come home from the Korean War, along with other conversations that were so personal I cant believe they took place.

Part of my life I was raised by my grandparents, and the other part I looked up to them as examples. I have always felt the most comfortable talking to the people that can show me wisdom and direction.

Saturday night I left my friends house with a reassurance and the courage to face my life. I grew up knowing life would get better and that I could make it. But now, as an adult, I wonder, is this it, is this as good as it gets? Once again, my strength is restored. Because it is not about getting better, it is about growing stronger and loving what you have.

Awake at Two

Went to bed early for me and woke up with thoughts in my head.


I wish my night consisted of drinking wine in my back yard and smoking like they used to, granted I still do both of those some of the time, but now I mostly am a single mom with two live in kids one with her dad and a heart that wonders what the fuck!


The other day I had a phone call that really got my mind reeling and wondering about my mindset. I have known this boy we will call him Fred, since I was about 13. So twenty plus years we have been friends, recently he has been distant with me. It became odd when he didn't answer my calls, so I confronted him on it not to long ago. He told me his absence was because he had realized he was in love with me and I would never be into him so he had to take himself out of the equation. This was sad to me for a couple reasons, first of all because I was going to loose a friend, and secondly because I have been thinking that I was feeling something for someone who didn't feel the same for me. How smart was Fred to see the signs and protect his heart, how stupid must I be to not do the same.


I have been thinking lately that when people give me comments about my life and what is going on in it, that they do not know we well enough to judge, But maybe, it is me, maybe I don't know people as well as I should. Maybe some are not letting me in for a reason, the reason is because I am not wanted.


I have been standing here on my pedestal, saying how strong I am, but the truth is, I am no stronger than you, I will try my best, I have too. There is no safety net to fall into, but I will still walk the line and do my best, I will still come out stronger.


Please dont leave my corner, I have another couple rounds in me, as confused as I am!

Growing Stronger

When you step out on your marriage, no matter what the reason, people always expect one outcome, to be with your "lover". For some reason, that is the first thing that comes out of peoples mouths when they find out. Are you going to be with him, are the two of you in love, are you two going to try and live together.
  Even my ex husband tried to kick me and his own daughters out of the house and banish me to live with the man he thought I had left him for. The thing is, I left my marriage before "him". My marriage had been over for so long before that, it had nothing to do with passionate kisses, sex or emotion, that was all just the final nail in the impending coffin.
I was not the woman to leave her marriage and have another place to go or a backup plan, I just decided, enough is enough. I realized I was worth being worthy of having a man who understood me, I have my flaws mind you, the list is a mile long, but I do not deserve judgement from someone who is supposed to accept me.
  I am scared and vulnerable, a little stressed out being a single mother of toddler twins and child support for an eleven year old who grips my heart and I only see on weekends. I will always have a level of guilt for decisions I have made in my life but I choose to be strong and be happy, no matter how hard it is at times.
This past week I sustained some dog walking injuries, that have affected me in a larger way that something of that title should. I have wounds that are so painful and a little worrisome when it comes to healing, most of all they inhibit me from taking care of my two youngest. The palms of my hands are gone, as are my knees and tops of my feet, one of my breasts looks like I nursed a raccoon. For the past few days I have been limping around wounded, I can no longer walk the dog who someone else is supposed to walk and I have not been up to par with the children he is supposed to visit. Both of these have wounded me inside and out. It has made me look at my life in a way that I wouldn't otherwise. If I had a man here to help me this would be easier, I can barely lift them out of their cribs or drive to the grocery store and walk to buy groceries.
  But something else happened this week, I realized that I am strong enough. Even though I have skin missing, can hardly use my hands and I walk with a limp, I can do it. I can do anything, I don't know how, but I can do it. The thing I am not sure of is, how did I end this relationship with this man and they were discarded too. I am the one that hears why is daddy not hear and I am the one who is a single mom seven days a week. I am lucky to get a Saturday afternoon off and that is fine, but they need a dad. I did not have a father growing up, never met him just started talking to him a year ago. But they know their father lived with him for a couple years, how are they not important enough now. I really have to step up to the plate now, and maybe that is my fate for decisions I have made in the past. I accept that, I just don't want them to hurt over a man who blah blah blah, says things that he doesn't mean.

Beautiful Disaster

Not to long ago, I stood on the edge of a cliff.
Looking out at the beauty of the unknown,
the endless ocean,
full of possibilities
and uncertainties.

The jump was inevitable,
and timing is never right.
Standing on the edge does not bring more security,
it just allows you more time to develop extra fear.

So jump I did.
Arms and legs flailing, eyes closed, nose plugged.
Waiting for the water to envelop me,
hoping my bones are not shattered by rocks.

Surfacing, I realize that what I thought was the hardest part,
actually is not.
Here I had been so scared of the leap itself,
that I forgot about how I would survive a vast ocean.

I still know jumping off of my cliff was the best decision,
but that does not make my task at hand any less scarey.
Staring back at the cliff that once was my security,
I realize it's beauty lies at a distance.

For now I will cling to my driftwood
and kick as hard as my legs will let me.

Who knows maybe there is an exotic, desserted island in my future.
Hopefully, atleast there will be a life raft for me to cling to.

I am hoping for you!

I hope you are not sad, that she is getting married in a month.

I hope you aren't sad that she is having a baby.

I hope you don't wish it is yours.

I hope it doesn't break your heart to hear them call your child theirs.

I hope you don't read her words and wish they were about you.

I hope that shirt he wears doesn't gut you like a fish.

Please don't look at those pictures, and feel regret.

Please, don't feel she is the one, cuz she doesn't deserve you!

Please don't ever feel a moment of sadness when you think of her.

I wish you happiness, peace and love.

If she knew you like I do, she wouldn't have broke your heart!

I have dreams for you, that are so big that they don't even include me, please be happy!

Please don't think about her when you go to sleep at night!

If you think of anyone, don't let it be her.

Not Your Normal Book Cover

I am starting to figure people out in a way I never have before. Most are full of shit and tell you what they think you want to hear. I will call you tomorrow, lets do lunch on Tuesday, I miss you, I love you. Blah, blah, bullshit! I am so sick of people telling me what I want to hear. All my life I have been feed lies, it will be ok, etc... My own husband agreed with everything that came out of my mind/mouth because that is what he thought I wanted to hear. Then I woke up one day and realized I was married to a stranger.

Once there was this guy, he agreed with nothing I said, maybe that is why he was the one that stuck. I dont need someone to give me everything I want, just get me and fyi, I love a good debate. I am not the fragile little girl you think I am, I am so much stronger than you can imagine, if you spend half an hour getting to know me, you would know that.

I get a lot of judgement, and I am taking it as well as I can, trying not to shut down too much, it is getting a little tough, especially since I think a lot of people are shutting me out.

But if you dont love me now, in all of the garbage I am sitting in, you never loved me!

There is no happy medium!

When the ex and I decided to get a divorce, or should I say, when I decided to get a divorce, we both concluded that we still wanted to try and be a team in raising our twins, we both wanted to be there for major events and make sure they knew we were still a team. So when events accure, like their first movie or going to an airshow or the state fair to see them ride their first ride, we will, as adults put our differances asside and witness them and show our support together. I understand this will change when one of us, I am sure it will be him first, gets in a relationship, but for now we want the transition to be as smooth for our little ones as possible. It may seem unrealistic to some, but I have been through this once already, unfortunately, and it really is so much easier to get along. I am not saying ex's need to be at every event, trust me, they should be at very few. But all I know is when I started getting along with my oldest child's set of parents and we started faking the funk and doing a couple of events together a year, it made her life so much easier and healthier. The funny thing on that one, is I dont have much contact with my oldest daughters father, but her stepmother and I have a very close relationship. So much so that she brings my daughter and her other kids to some of my events, we have playdates and even phonecalls into the early hours of the morning. I would prefer to run her over with my minivan, but I do what I can to make it work for all five of the children involved in this dual situation.

I have been wondering a lot lately if Brett and I hanging out periodically, and for what we think is momentous situations will cause more harm to the girls than good. I have talked to many of people, parents of mine and his, counselors and of course people that have been here and done that. What I have learned or heard, should I say, is that you need to suck it up, not yell at him for four hours and let your kids know that you are both still on their side, even though you dont still live in the same house. Granted, I know this will all change over time, maybe even in the next couple of weeks, but for now, in your fragile state, we are still trying to go to the fair together and get along for your sake.

The shitty thing is, Brett and I had so many flaws in our marriage, but when he was present, we could play with our girls and it was ok. We are good at ignoring each other and making it about our girls, that is easy, marriage, not so much.

For now, when I can give them both their parents in the same place, no matter how fake it is, I will not apologize, it brings them happiness, I will suck it up, because they desserve, for now.

Well Damn It

The other day I got an email, that took me til tonight to respond too. It was from an in law family member, begging me to change my mind and take him back. Broke my heart. First of all, my whole life has been built on what people except of me. All I want is to be accepted. But unfortunately, now, it is a little too late. Here is a person who has given me grief since the second that I met her, only liked me after a couple glasses of wine. I get it, but I cant stay now because you tell me too. What's done is done

Please, let me live with my decision. Divorce is ugly, no matter how you look at it, but please don't make it all about me. I tried so hard for years, and no one noticed. I begged for help and no one was there. Dont make it my fault now.

Have You Ever

I have been struggling with me feelings alot lately. Should I speak them or just let them be unspoken. Do I say what is on my mind and risk rejection or do i walk the line and not scare everyone off. If you know me, you know I am completely crazy, impulsive and my heart is right there on my sleeve for the world to see.

But honestly, have you ever... Did you ever just want to tell him he was the one? Did you ever just want to spill it, and let them know how much they meant and how your life is nothing without them in it.

Life is so crazy and unpredictable, we are all so scared of it not working it out or not being worthy.

I have been there, done that, experienced it all in my existance. But I know what I feel right now, and what has been true to me for my adult years.

Have you just wanted to go past the drunk texts and phonecalls, and live out the dreams you dream while you are asleep and make them realize what you feel. As crazy as it is, cant we just lay it out there and give ourselves a deccent shot at happiness, dont we desserve it.

Have you ever just wanted to put your feelings out there, without the fear of judgement and ridicule. I want to be able to speak my mind without judgement and just have someone appreciate my honesty.

Crazy Girl Dreamin

So lately I have been thinking I need to start a whole other blog just for my dreams, or atleast a dream journal. Because there is some crazy stuff going on after I fall asleep between those sheets. Most of it is farely harmless, a lot of it just means I need to get laid or have a vacation. But it is really weird, there are celebrities and people I havent talked to in years. Stressful situations while I am dreaming that would never be a problem while I am awake, i.e., stairs, stairs freak me out in my dreams, hours of trama just to go down five, very weird, has been that way for years.

Last night was a doozy, usually my dreams dont scare me, I know while I am dreaming that it is just sleep and I have no reason to not be in control of the whole thing. For some reason, last night was differant, maybe it was because I went to bed right after my kids and was probably asleep by nine thirty. Maybe it was because I had acted like an ass the night before and felt bad about it all day, take your pick. Either way, I woke up a little before midnight, sweating and freaked out, someone was trying to electricute me. It must have been bad enough, because I woke up to my dog, nudging me with his nose, trying to wake me up and make sure I was ok. Love that dog!

I guess what gets me is I have become this sole parent, the only person I have to rely on, I have to be strong all day. When I go to sleep, I guess, now, it is on, I become the scared person that I cant let out and I am running away from some crazy in a van who keeps trying to hook up wires to me and fry me for dinner.

Yesterday, my littlest girls saw their father for the first time in days, just for about twenty minutes, but my itsy bitsy, wanted nothing to do with him. She kept telling him to leave our house go away, she didnt like him, didnt even want him to give her a hug. Even though I know we all must choose the roles we take as parents, it was sad for me to see him be rejected by her. Yes, part of me hopes he will recoginize that he needs to start taking an active part in their upbringing, but it is no longer my place to try and inforce that, I no longer have the strength to take that on.

Maybe, I live in this fantasy world of realization. We all wake up one day and everything becomes crystal clear, we know what we want and we know what we have to do to acheive those goals and we have the energy to follow through.

I guess I am just a dreamer.

Stop Being A Bitch

Now that I am single, I dont get it. Here I am thirty six years old, and I still dont understand. I watch these shows on tv, I read facebook status's and titles under the same social network websights. Why do people still pretend to be something they are not, why do we still put ourselves out to be more than we are.

Be honest, admit you love him, tell him he is the one. And dumb ass, accept it, put your shit asside, stop being a coward and tell her you dont agree, or step up to the plate and agree with her.

Why must love and feelings be so complicated and scarey, why cant we just admit what we feel.

I Am A Faker!

It is funny for the past few months, I have been faking it. I have been saying, I am OK, I have been saying everything is alright. I don't need a man, I don't need to be married. I am just fine alone in my bed.

But the truth is, I am not fine. I am scared, I am alone. I very well am better like this, but I am still worried. I don't know if I will miss being kissed or having someone hold my hand. Am I any better than a women who wants to be married and hasn't ever experienced the white dress and the ceremony.

All I want is peace.

The other day I was talking to a high school friend and he was telling me how lonely he was. And I stood here on my podium telling him that he should be happy with himself and not base his happiness on a relationship. And as much as I get the words out of my mouth, I also get that we need companionship as humans. We need to feel love and acceptance.

I wonder if I will ever feel that kiss of passion, or the feeling that someone wants you for who you are.

But, I also know I am lucky to have experienced these things already and to not be in a marriage that doesn't know me for who I am.

And to have someone know you for who you are is the best gift of all.

All the Single Ladies

It is funny when you buy a car, all you see after that, is your make and model. When you get a divorce, apparently, it is the same, all you see on TV, or radio, is divorce. Every where I look is divorce, movies, tv shows, it is all the same. The other night I turned on the tv and here was the movie that I was told to watch, War of the Roses. A exaggerated comparission to say the least but still, a comparission. A couple married for years, fighting over a house and taking it to the exstreme. I get it, my house it nothing like the one in the movie, but yet we are still fighting over it. Belongings broken, words you cant take back said, that is the way of the beast.

Then yesterday, I was watching horrible daytime tv, a talkshow, no less. There was this poor lady, my age, distressed over not being married or having a wedding. Her main concern was her wedding. She wanted the pomp and curcumstance. And I get it. Once upon a time, I was a girl who wanted a wedding and a marriage, not knowing what it all entailed. And I had the wedding of my dreams, that cost more than most peoples yearly salaries. It was beautiful, amazing, I will never look that good again or have so many eyes on me. But, it was the beginning of the end, loniless, looking for my groom who was out in the parking lot. Beautiful as it was, it can never be a fantasy.

This poor woman, was planning her weeding without a groom, witouout a boyfriend, or even a man in mind, she just wanted a wedding. It made me so sad. I had the perfect ceremony, minus the rain and the screwed up flowers, and the groom doing god knows what in the parking lot with his groomsmen. It was picture perfect, my album is well worth the five thousand dollars it cost. It all looks amazing! My marriage for that matter looks amazing. But life is so much more than that. Dont be married just to be married. Dont be in a relationship just cuz that is what your friends are doing.

A Glimpse Into Craziness

So tonight I have a had a few friends visit and view what is my life. Funny thing, one was a friend who has been here here all the way, and one hasn't been here in fifteen years. We listened to a little Dave Matthews in the back yard after the babies went to bed and had a glass or two of wine, and the solution is the same.

It is funny when you listen to music it all makes sense, the same when you make love. You feel it, it feels great, heart or emotion, you love it! You are in the moment, for some, and you say what you feel, and it creates bliss. The crazy thing is we are not alwayz in the same moment, you may love it, but for a differant reason. My problem is I always seem to think we are in the same moment.

I never try and change anyone, I guess my issues is, I just think we are experiencing the same moment. That is my bad, I dont need a saviour, I dont need anyone to leed me through this craziness, I actually think I am going to be single forever the rest of this craziness, I just need honesty, and periodic sex, and I can give that to myself. I just need a couple good friends to talk to it with and perhaps have a few too many glasses of wine with.

Father, Father, Where Are't Though

I have talked to my biological father about a dozen times in my thirty six years. Never met him, as of a year ago, I had never even spoke to him. Weird as it is, this is my existence.

Tonight, I called him. I needed a father figure, and he is all that I have. It is so weird telling him my issues, and granted there are a lot of them. I do, however, keep them on a minimum, I cant possibly scare off the one man I don't want too, Lord only knows I have scared enough already.

It is so foreign talking to him. I know my history with men and it is not good, but this one actually matters. I cant get a man to be what I need to save my life, but this one I actually need, it matters. He says all the right things mind you. but for some reason, I still feel like he is a guy that I am dating, the one that tells you every thing you need to hear, but doesn't really mean it. I am sick of feeling something that apparently doesn't even exist. I want a man to be honest, you don't need to save me, I don't need to be taken care of. If I did, I would stay in my marriage, all I need is honesty. I am not a blow job, or a sexy body, I am a person, someone who needs honesty, period. I am beautiful, inside and out. I love from the bottom of my heart and soul. I have more issues than enclycopedias, but I am deeper as well. I sing, I dance, I pray for the strength to make it through my life.

Just A Dreamer

I have always been a dreamer, awake or asleep. During the day I dream of what could've been or what I hope for and at night, while I am sleeping my conscience takes over and lets me know how it really is. Early in my life I learned how to control my dreams. My life was drama enough, I made sure my down time in bed while I was in slumber was controlled by me and me only. I have seen a shrink since the age of five and one thing that was explored was what I was dreaming. Luckily I had a psychologist who taught me how to take control of my dreams, even if I could control nothing else. I learned how to wake myself if it all got to much or even how to divert the situation and make it more plausible for my liking, ie become invisible, be able to fly or one of my favorites be able to buy whatever I want. If I believe it, while I am dreaming, I can control it. It has helped me escape many a scarey situation, dreamwise.

The funny thing is this only applies when I am really thinking about it, when I recoginize it or if I dont have a fever. For the past year or so I have had two specific dreams, the situation always changes, but the goal is always the same. I categorize them as the "packing" and the "climbing" dreams.

The first and most often is the "packing" dreams. The situation and the objects always change but the desire to complete the goal is always the same and always stressful. In these dreams, I am packing something up, wether it is a house into a car, or a uhaul. Or just my belongings from a pic nic into a stroller. I am constantly packing, stressfully, deciding what I can take and what I can leave behind. The funny thing is that it is usually my actual items, I am litterally going through my kitchen deciding what fits into my car, what I can keep and what I can leave behind. In my dream the other day I was loading my van and loaded it up with kitchen appliances that I actually have in my possession right now and then realized I didnt have room for the two carseats that carry my twins and had to reaccess. This dream is always very stressful and there always seems to be an impending time crunch. I always complete it successfully and wake up as I am driving to God knows where.

The second dream, the "climbing" dream, involves me doing just that, climbing. The location, like the packing dreams, always changes. A lot of times it is at a museum, a mall or some type of public place. And the dream is just me trying to get to a destination, one that is not always clear, but throughout, I am just climbing over objects. I may be in a libaray, just trying to leave because I already have my books, but on my way to the door, I must climb over books and shelves, dodge people who are trying to do the same. Sometimes I am in a forest, and I am just trying to get through it, but there are trees, rocks and bushes everywhere, I am always alone and always struggling, just trying to get through. Once in a while, in these dreams there is a villian, someone I am trying to escape or be atleast a couple steps ahead of. But I am always climbing, clawing my way through with every part of my being.

The thing that amazes me is, I get it, I think. I am struggling right now, I am alone, climbing over objects that are in my way, just believing I can make it. And yes, there is the packing, deciding what matters when the clock is ticking and you dont have much time to decide.

In my dreams, I always make it, and I will do so in life as well!

Remembering a Long Lost Love

Growing up what saved me was reading books. Whatever I can say about the negative way I was raised, I can say my mother and stepdad always took us to the library, atleast once a week. Granted, we werent allowed to always check out the books we wanted to, but I quickly learned away around that. My stepdad was big into books, we werent allowed to really watch TV, unless it was the news or "educational", but we were required to give a book report each Friday from a book we had check out from the local library. I guickly learned to stuff a book or two in between my "educational" books, or even stuff them in my backpack when no one was looking. For the record, I always snuck them back in, but as I sixth grader I made sure I kept up on my Sweet Valley High and Babysitters Club. Reading was my escape, no matter what was going on, I could always open my books and live a differant life.

Over the past couple of years I have been caught up in raising twins and reading books about what it takes to be the most amazing parent. Keep in mind, I have still maintained my collection of litterature. I have fifty plus books right now, that I have still yet to read, but want to.

Since, the crumbling of so called life, I have picked back up my reading habit. I am reading acclamed books that I have had on my shelves for 5 years! And let me tell you, life is good again. The past two nights I have woke up to go the bathroom and have run back to my bed, just so I can read.

It has given me a new light on life, given me hope. I forgot what it is like to put myself into someone else's life. I love the desire to turn the page and figure out how they fixed it or got through it.

No matter who we are, life is hard, we all have are struggles, we all have the ability to get through.

Strong Versus Weak

So I have been told a lot lately that I need to be strong. Really? That is what I thought I was doing! The life I have been living over the past few months takes nothing but crazy strength! I am being as strong as I know how, if you doubt it, just ask me! Not many woman could live the way I live, separate, yet with opinions. I do of course, shut down all opinions the second they start happening, but that is a new occurrence. For some reason, I thought I had to let people give me their point of view, but now, I am over hearing it. We are where we are, and this is where it is, so shut up. I am not a piece of shit, I am not the only one in this situation, and if your opinion is this strong maybe I am not the one you should be giving it to.

I am doing my best alone, again! I am stronger now than I was then and I will get through. That doesn't make it easy though. The crazy thing is that I have been cutting people out right and left. At first, I thought the hard thing was hearing the opinions, now I see that it is the separations between myself and the people with these opinions.

When you get married, you connect two worlds of families and friends. When you get divorced you have to divide those worlds back up. The family I got used to calling my own are no longer, the friends that had become mine, are on his side. A couple weeks ago I had to renew my license at the DMV, and of course who walks in and get in line behind me but my soon to be exes best friend. Well shit, isn't that my luck. Uncomfortable, someone who I used to have no problem with all of a sudden is unbearable. The separation isn't only of ones belongings but of people.

I stand by my decision still but damn, don't tell me I am weak, I am stronger than you could ever be.

I Dont Wonder, I Know!

Maybe, I think I mean something more than I actually am. I flatter myself that someone is actually reading these words, atleast, once in a while. Someone cares, right? How can I have these bodies in my daily existance that still dont care? Who knows, but I do. Most of the time I feel like a cinder block tied around my family and friends ankles, that is just bringing them down. You dont want to deal with my drama, I get it, neither do I, it sucks, it is hard to deal with.

And then just when I feel like I have untied the rope around your leg something happens that just ties it back on. Here I am feeling bad about moving my kids and my dog into an apartment, trying to figure out how the furniture is going to fit and the best place to walk my faithful furry, yellow boy, and then I get fired. I have been struggling with my position in this world as a mother and a productive citizen for a few months now. It is no secret that this divorce has been going on for a while, from what I have learned that is how divorces go, but it is so exhausting, I just want it to end. I am wishing for that remote that Adam Sandler had in his movie Click, just so I can get there. I am sick of leaving my house cuz it is his night with the kids or because his family is there and I am sure he is probably sick of the same. I just want my own life.

I have always heard that one of the hardest parts of a breakup is the sleeping alone. For me that is the best part, I love that bed now that it is all mine. What I dont like is the splitting up of little girls, leaving my house on the weekends cuz it is his time with them and we cant be in the same room without some kind of war. I am so excited to have my own place it is probably wrong. I am so ready for my independance and not worrying about being in differant rooms in the same house at all times. Part of me should be happy that I am not left high and dry with a rent that I cant afford but the other part of me just wants to do it. But instead, I just want to be alone, I just want to live my life and struggle threw it by myself. I dont know how, I am applying for every job that I would have never applied for before and still no prospects.

Ask me what it feels like to want out so bad you cant help but cry when you see someone you love! I dont wonder what this all feels like, I know!

Pull Your Own Weight

Tonight I was watching one of the dance shows on TV. A professional dancer paired up with a celebrity. I dont watch it for its indepth conversation, I just love music and dance. But tonight something that was said struck a chord with me. The professional was coaching his little miss famous for God knows what, and he said "I am doing all the work here. All I want to do is not feel like I am towing around dead weight! I am all in, giving this my all, just hold your own weight!" It really made me think, how often do we get lazy in our relationships and expect our dancing partner to carrey our dead weight for us? We are going through our life and need to be lifted but we dont take into account that our partner may not need our added weight.

Wow, life has changed!

Twelve years ago I got pregnant by I a man that I thought was my best friend, perhaps, maybe even the one. After two years of what I thought was dating, slash a good time, I realized, it was neither. After many details that will remain semi personal, I decided to have a baby that meant a lot to me. And now, I have an eleven year old that has not fallen far from this crazy apple tree.

Tonight, was a milestone in my totally insane life. This evening I got the ever occurring, totally imposing phone call from baby daddy's wife. My oldest daughter's "stepmother". She wanted to know why the past couple of weeks I have been distant. Now keep in mind when it comes to my oldest daughters father there is several insecurities and emotions that I still at the age of thirty six, with a child from him that is eleven, I still don't know how to handle. He was always the guy that broke the mold with me. I grew up very sheltered, yet dysfunctional, and he was the bad boy that showed me what it was like to live outside the box. And yet he was also the guy, that when, shit hit the fan, he made it clear that I meant nothing to him. This scenario took many years to even handle a tiny bit. Saying that, I get a phone call today from Stepmother Perfection and she wants to know why I haven't been mother of the year lately. Blow to my ego as THAT is I must tell her about the impending divorce. Keep in mind, she already knows about my indiscretions, and already has her judgement lined up. My oldest daughter already knows for a while now, that my marriage is probably over, but tonight was the night when I had to show up at her fathers mini mansion and tell them that my marriage really was over. The crazy thing, and not so crazy really is, all they want is their monthly paycheck. Here is a man that I have really not talked to in four to five years, since we battled it out in court, and here I am, sitting in his multi million dollar house telling him that everything will be OK, as he hands me a drink that I used to drink twelve years ago.

Shit, I sit here right now and I think that I am UN understandable by all men. I feel connections that I feel mean something and yet they are bullshit!

Self Portrait by David Whyte

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.

-- David Whyte
from Fire in the Earth

You Know Who I Am

I sit here, confused, counting my small blessings as they fall my way. I wonder about every desision before I even make it. I wonder, am I making the right one. I feel with every being in me, that I am. I listen to my music, and I feel it with every part of my being.

There is one thing I know, and that is what I feel. So I stand here alone, with what I feel, my heart on my sleeve.

Blah

The hard thing is that I want to say something so bad. I want to state my feelings, get them out there for the world to understand, but I am starting to doubt that anyone can. Of course, how could anyone, they haven't lived my life. I am on a one laned, curvy road to divorce, with my two littlest strapped in the back, and I am trying to drive as safely as possible, but I am still running into a few potholes. We have agreed that we no longer have a future, but we have also agreed that for the time being we want to do things as a family for the girls to keep some level of normalcy for them. The crazy thing about that is you have two people who really don't want to be together pretending it is OK for two little girls who know it is not Ok. So I guess the answer lies there within. You can go to an event and smile for all the pictures and put whatever caption that you want underneath, because no one knows the comment made right before and it doesn't matter, because one of us is trying to save our pride.

Every day I must stand up for my decision, I must give my explanations, give the reasons! I have to be the strong one, which is not my cup of tea, or so I thought. I am learning my strengths, learning that I am so much stronger than I thought I was. Also, some people give their opinions even when I don't need to hear them, and I have to learn how to let that go. I am who I am for me and my girls, period.

Tired

My whole life I wanted to be the "good guy"! No matter what went on in my childhood home I always pretended it was great, cuz I never wanted to be thought of as anything but normal, I wanted to be just like everyone else. But yet I still want to be "good". Right now I am not the good guy, I am actualy, the "bad" guy. Everyone hates me, this is very hard for me to take, especially since I think I am standing up for what I desserve. I am not saying I desserve credit for the pain I am causing but isnt it better that I am causing it now better than later? I am not asking for credit, I am just begging to not be ridiculed. Please, judgement is so harsh, atleast keep it to yourselves, you dont even know all the facts, they would break your heart. I have been trying, and I am weak and cant do it anymore! I am sick of pretending, please can I just be real now and live a life I want?

Saving money by firing the psychologist and turning up the radio instead!

I love it when a song you have heard a thousand times has a new meaning. You have heard it before, you know every word, but all of a sudden you hear it for the first time and it becomes your anthem for that period of time. I am a fan of Natasha Bedingfield. A lot of her music is a little bit bubblegum and ketchy. But I love to turn it up while I am cleaning the house and dance around with the kids. It is lightbeat and airy and sometimes that is all I need to perk up my spirits. I became a fan of hers after I saw her in concert a couple years back. She opened for New Kids on the Block, and the only song of hers I could name at the time was Unwritten, and I absolutely love the message of that song, so I made sure we were all in our seats by the time she took the stage. She really impressed me, she was no frills, no lightshow, no back up dancers, just her. She talked before every song, opened up about what it meant to her, it was very personal, needless to say it was moving and I cried. The next day I bought two of her cds and have been a fan ever since.

So this morning I needed a little pick me up, I popped in Natasha, made some waffles for the little girls and set to work cleaning my kitchen. And then I heard "Wild Horses" for the hundreth/first time. All was good again. There is something about hearing a song that just touches you, it is reassuring in a way, like someone else has felt what you are feeling, you are not alone.

I feel these four walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out..
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures Im thinking about
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free to
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I wanna run too.

Breaklessly abandoning my self to you

I wanna open up my heart and tell him how I feel

I wanna run with the wild horses.

Ready, Set, Go.

I started my blog almost a year ago. At the time my purpose was to get over my friends suicide. Over time I thought it would turn into a place I could talk about my daughters. Now I am thinking over the next few months it will be where I digest my thoughts and feelings on my impending divorce. This is the only place where I can really get it out, and I can get it out without the rebuttals, the opinions, the judgement. I created this situation, I chose this route, this is my doing. That doesn't make it any easier, and it doesn't make the next few months any less scary. I am a grown women who has to start over, start over with next to nothing but my children and my fears. I know I will get through this, I know that I will raise my little girls to be strong and self sufficient and to love deeply. But I am scared shitless and I feel alone.

When I first got married, I was the apple of his eye, now, I am the thorn in his side. The things that he is capable of saying to me are incredible. Every issue I have ever had, as a child, in past relationships, is thrown in my face. I am called names that I thought only my first baby daddy could say to me. I know that he is only trying to cause me pain because I have caused him so much, but it still hurts and all I can do is sit there and take it. I think anger is the third stage of the grieving process, I am totally sick of this stage. I am not even expecting forgiveness, I am so drained. Right now I need to focus on finding a place to live or a job that lets me afford the place I have now. I have two months to do all this, two months. Ready, set, go.

Feel the Ocean

I remember in my early twenties I had a boyfriend that meant the world to me. He was into scuba diving, surfing and all things ocean, and for that reason, so was I. His family had a house in Kauai, and so that is where we speant our vacations for years. Hence, scuba and surf lessons. The surfing, I relished, loved it like a second nature. I rembember the first time I caught a wave, I litterally felt like I was on top of the world! Mind you, this on top of the world feeling came right after the feeling I had when a wave hit me right into corral and I thought I was dying!

The surfing was ok, the scuba diving, was a differant story. We both got certified in a Napa Valley pool before ever taking our trip, the trip where we had a specific scuba outing planned, on the Napali Coast! It was a big deal to him, a true testament of love for me. So here we are one morning, diving thirty five feet down, not a big deal to scuba divers, but a big deal to me, and we are exploring caves were Jacque Cousteau, did a documentary on some kind of sharks, who were supposedly dorment at the time, but to me, could bite me in half at an time. Anxiety attack in a nut shell for me. I shot out of that water so fast! Here we are, a group of twenty or so, diving down in these dark caves. And I see, all these people, peering in these caves with amazement, as I float, twenthy feet behind them wondering, there could possibly be a shark in there that could bite off you face! But still, I am the only one that doesnt get the beauty, and I am upset with myself for not getting it.

Long story short, I ruin the outing by freaking out and swimming to the surface as fast as I can, my boyfriend of four years breaks up with me afterwards, and twenty years later, I sit here felling alot of those same feelings. Overwhelmed by the beauty and scared on how to handle it.

Understand

How Do I Love Thee?
By Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace,
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

A Letter to You

My Dearest Cyndi,
I am not really sure how to start this, you have been gone for almost a year and there is still so much I have wanted to say to you. I feel so bad for being mad at you this long, I still cant believe that you chose to leave me hours after I talked to you. We loved each other so much, or so I thought, twenty years down the drain. I am so sorry that you needed more from me than I gave you.

I always thought you were so amazing, the second I met you at the age of fifteen, I though you were amazing. You were the coolest person I had ever met, with your Depeche Mode t-shirts and the black sheet hanging in your windows. You were so differant than me, but yet, so the same. In our differances, we bonded, we became one. Even though we lost contact after high school, when we reconnected, it was like no time was lost, and we were stronger than ever.

I sit here now, and I miss you so much, the missing has never stopped even though it has been almost a year. I think of where my life is now, and I wonder if it would be differant if I had you here to talk to. I wish you were here to help me through my struggles and I miss helping you through yours. I miss talking to you every morning on your morning drive to work.

How did you not know how smart, beautiful and loving you were. I remember standing there, giving your euology, crying through the whole thing, and thinking, wow, look at all these people who love her. Maybe, if she knew about all these people she wouldnt have chose to leave me. Maybe, if she knew how amazing she was, she would still be here.

I have been so mad at you for this past year, so mad I could barely mourn from the second I learned what you really did. You chose hours after you told me how much you loved me to end your life. Hours after I told you how much you loved me, and I told you how greatful I was to have you in my life, you ended yours. I have been so pissed at you. Do you know how shitty this past year has been for me? No, you dont because you signed out.

I want you back, my life is still hard, and I need to talk to you about it. But I cant, cuz you told me how much you loved me, and then, you left.

A year later, it still sucks, I still miss you, a lot. You were my little babies godmother, you were supposed to be here for forever.

Maybe, I need another year to stop being mad at you!

Perfection

Good days are sometimes harder to find than others. But today was easily captured with many perfect moments. Not only was my boss, a.k.a. Mr. Allovertheplace, not there for all of the morning and most of my afternoon, but then I came home to two of my three girls and sunshine.

Last spring I discovered two beautiful doves, I named Bob and Harriet. Hours after our first contact, I rushed out and bought 7 bird feeders, plenty of bird seed and a bird bath. Months later they built their nest and created their family.

It has been months that I have seen them, I had decided that they were able to read my sadness and decided that since doves mate for life, my backyard was not the one they wanted to dwell in.

But today, after I got off of work, I take my two little girls into the back yard. We play in the sandbox and throw a few balls. Later, as I am trimming a few overgrownn bushes, there are my doves, Bob and Harriet, feet away from my littlest babies. I, alert them of the birds pressence and for twenty minutes all play within five feet of each other.

Pure perfection!

The River

So, today as I was driving to work, enjoying the beautiful weather, I flipped the radio to a country station. I first got into country music back in college, one of my good friends had a slight obsession with it and her love for it rubbed off on me. One of her favorites was Garth Brooks, he has so many songs filled with meaning and we spent hours driving around Napa Valley, windows down, music blaring, singing our little hearts out. Those were the days... So this morning, what song should be playing but Garth Brooks, The River. Down the windows went, and as I sang at the top of my lungs, I heard this song for what felt like the first time.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changing as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores..

And, I will sail my vessel
Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
Til the river runs dry.

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
Til what we put off til tomorrow
Has now become today.
So don't sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide..

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all..

Yes, I will sail my vessel
Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
Til the river runs dry.

I Dont Understand

Why is it, that when you need a friend, no one answers the texts, the phone, does not ring. When you need some alone time, the phone never stops ringing, there is no shortage of people that need you! But when you need help, you can text or call nonstop, just to hear a voice, feel a touch, have a friend, and no one answers! Where do they all go?

"Home Life" by my boy John

I think I'm gonna stay home
Have myself a home life
Sitting in the slow-mo
And listening to the day daylight
I am not a a nomad
I am not a rocket man
I was born a house cat
By the light of my mother's hand

I think I'm gonna stay home

I want to live in the center of a circle
I want to live on the side of a a square
i used to be in my M-Z now
You'll never fine me cause my name isn't there

Home life
Been holding out for a home life
My whole life

I want to see the end game
I want to learn his last name
Finish on a Friday
And sit in traffic on the highway
See, I refuse to believe
That my life's gonna be
Just some string of incomplete
Never to lead me to anything remotely close to home life.
Been holding out for a home life
My whole life

I can tell this much
I will marry once
And if it doesn't work out
Give him half of my stuff
It's fine with me
We said eternity
And I will go to my grave
With the life that I gave
Not just some melody line
On a radio wave
It dissipates
And soon evaporates
But home life doesn't change

I want to live in the center of a circle
I want to live on the side of a square
I'd love to walk to where we can both talk but
I 've got to leave you cause my ride is here

Home life
You keep the home life
You take the home life
I'll come back for the home life
I promise

The One That Got Away

So this past weekend I went on a mini trip. A trip my girl and I took to get away from it all. Get away from sadness, what was supposed to happen and didn't, escape the idealist idea of what our thirty five years should've brought us and didn't. Yeah, yeah, I know, life is what we make it, well apparently we didn't make it what it was supposed to be, so we escaped. We left on Friday, cuz Saturday was the D-Day! The day that was gonna break my sweet friends heart. Now keep in mind, if you know my life at all right now, I am the last one to bring encouragement, I am currently lost in my own tidal wave, how the hell am I gonna help her onto my sinking life raft. But I put on my big girl panties and tried my best to be there for my friend who tries her best to be there for me. As we pull out of Roseville on Friday, the rain is pouring down, traffic is insane, we actually debate on staying in Sac, but as I said earlier, big girl panties. We get to our hotel 2.5 hours later and someone must have been loving us, because we made it for complimentary cocktail hour! After our traffic, week and emotions we both didn't have much left in us but a long bath and a bottle of wine.

That night about four am, we wake up to a couple, and I use that word loosely, fighting. The angriest word ever spoken. Hurt, anger, hatred and mostly betrayal spewing out of their mouths, at a level that was scary to us all. We heard the abuse and it scared us, made us think of our relationships, past and present. Relationships that might have gone on too far, after the trust is gone, after the love has left. Hearing a situation like this, not only makes you call the front desk, but makes you look at your own life. These two people in the room right next to mine, obviously stayed together way too long. Why? Were they afraid of being alone? Did one of them not have a job and couldn't support themselves, maybe they had kids together, who knows. All I could think of as I was praying for security to come upstairs and I could no longer hear the punches that this couple were so venomously putting upon each other, was does she ever think about the one that got away. What makes woman stay with men they shouldn't? Why?

Putting all this behind us, we wake up the next morning and decide it is going to be a good day. Doesn't matter that we have gotten absolutely no sleep, doesn't matter that it is pouring outside and we can not leave our hotel. We are in a hotel full of people that have stories to be heard and we decide to hear them. We plant ourselves down in the bar and make a day of chit chat and emotion. There is something to be said about woman and the bond that we have with each other. Even in the saddest of times, we can throw back a couple mimosas, talk about what shouldve been and still put on a pretty smile and bond.

This brings me to the title of my long winded blog. The one that got away. We all know who that is, maybe some are lucky to be married to the one, my hat tips to you. But others are not so certain. How is it that the girl next door meets a boy in high school and he rocks her world, when he kisses her, she swoons, he understands her sentences before she is finished saying them. I am so jealous, that it makes me want to puke. I know a couple like this, high school sweethearts, blah blah, only people they have ever kissed is each other, etc... They are so "in love" that it makes me sick, I have actually stopped hanging out with them because I find their love for each other so annoying. How bad of a person does that make me? A horrible person, I know! I guess, I am just so jaded by heartache that I just don't believe that a true love like this exists. I do however, believe that a woman can piss a man off so much that he, A. doesn't call her when she reaches out to him, or B. beats her to the point of unconscious in a hotel room in the middle of the night. Do all adults have " a one that got away"? Does everybody wonder, is that why divorce is so common, or is divorce just a symptom of uncertainty?

That love we felt in our teens, in our twenties, before we had kids or mortgages, health care plans or college tuition to think about, was so pure. When all you could think about was that feeling in your stomach when you kissed. The excitement when you were on the way to their house, butterflies when the phone rang, just hoping it was them. Was that the one that got away. Is that the feeling that got away or is this feeling reality?

All I want in my life is to be gotten, I want to spew nonsense from my mouth and have you shake your head, love me and say that is my Robin, totally crazy, a little neurotic, but I get it. She has a big heart and she loves me. She loves me and I am lucky, even if she is completely off her rocker and cant spell to save her life, she is mine and she wants to rock my world and I give her butterflies when I kiss her!

Cut it Off

So last night, I was all in the emotional zone. But then I had to bail out on a moments notice, couldn't finish my thought.

What I was trying to say was life is not normal. There is no normal. Rich, poor, black, brown, yellow, white or whatever color, none of us are normal because we are different, beautiful, in our own way. I have been lucky enough in my life to meet so many people, men and woman, who have been through experiences similar to mine and people who, of course that have very different lives, but yet can still give me incite.

What is normal, there is none, there is just what you learn from your life and how you incorporate what you learn from other peoples lives into your own. I truly feel blessed that I have friends that have experienced some of the same hardships that I have experienced and I have been able to have deep conversations with people who have have lives that are completely opposite than mine. I am able to compare and contrast. I can look at my life from a nature versus nurture manner and really contemplate it.

I guess what I have come up with is, as I said last night, nothing is normal. What is everyday to me, what normal is to me, is not the same to you. What I understand, or what I can handle, is not the same for you!

Last night, when I had insomnia and was awake at 2 am, I watched the movie "For Collared Girls". I had previously heard what a great movie this was and how I needed to watch it alone so that I could get a good cry out. But I must say, I was highly disappointed. And I actually feel guilt for this. I really thought this movie should have been named something like, "for women only" . As women, we go through many of the same struggles these days. We may not all live in Harlem, but there is still much abuse, sexual and physical that happens to all women, no matter where we live.

My skin is white, I was mostly raised in Napa/Sonoma valley, I went to private schools, but I have experienced pain that can be mirrored by women, not only in this movie that is for "colored women" but by women of any color and from any country. Why can this movie not be for all of us, Tyler Perry, why can you not broaden your genre of women you reach to? So many women can reach out and bond, why must we be limited to our ethnicity? Why cant we be tied together, instead of separated by our heritage?

Rainy Days and Tuesdays

I find the rain so cleansing, the smell of it, the feel of it on my skin. I find nothing depressing or sad about it, I wouldnt want to drive long distance on a windy road in it, mind you, but I love it. It waters the earth, fills the lakes and I love to open the windows and listen to it. Light a fire, give me a book and we are talking about a good time. Tonight I sit here doing just that, windows open, tv/music off, just listening to the rythm of nature, contemplating life, something that is a regular occurance for me lately.

I was watching tv the other night, and honestly, right now I dont even remember the show, maybe it will come to me. But these woman were talking about family and what is normal, and the outcome was nothing is normal.

Questions, questions, oh, and by the way questions.

How do you know what is a good relationship for oneself.
I am talking myself.
How do I know what is a good relationship for me to be in? Should someone always treat me the way that I want to be treated?
Do I even know how I should be treated? I know how I want to be treated, I know what I like, is that the same thing?
I ask advice, but do you know me as well as you say you do? I mean, really, can you possibly know me better than I know myself?
I couldn't have possibly progressed to completion in my life and know myself fully, so how could you? If I haven't stopped growing emotionally, how could you know fully who I am? You are not in my soul, you do not dwell in my soul.
I am still growing, developing, figuring out who I am. Please, give me time and space.

Uncertainty

I stand on the beach,
wondering.
The foam lingers on my toes.
Do I dive in,
do I wade.
Will I be sucked into the undertow if I travel out to far?
I am scared,
the seaweed wraps around my ankles.
Each wave carries the sand farther up my legs.
I want to experience the wonders of the unknown, but I am unsure of my safety.
There is so much in the deep blue sea that scares me.
Coral.
Sharks.
Fear.
What if I am taken down,
perhaps I can not handle its force.
What if I am not strong enough?
I know there is beauty within, but what if it is more than I can handle.
The waves are beautiful from afar,
but up close, they are overwhelming.
Do I sit on the beach and soak up the suns rays,
or do I venture out and explore what lies within the unknown.

Searching

I have been searching a lot lately. Who am I? What do I want. Who am I going to be?

I have always thought I knew who I was, but as I grew, as I matured, I realized, I didn't. I was always trying to be something. Growing up I was always wanted to be the popular girl, mostly because I didn't want anyone to know how crazy my family life was, but also because I wanted acceptance. I remember going to school and pretending I was rich, talking about how my name brands where dirty and that's why I wasn't wearing them. I specifically remember a few conversations talking about my opinion on this movie or that artist, just because I wanted to fit in so bad. Looking back, I literally shake my head at myself thinking about all the conversations I have had in my twenties with boys that I was trying to impress by talking out of my you know what. Seriously, they must have thought I was so stupid. But for some reason, I just desired acceptance, and I thought having similarities was what made people get along, so I pretended my ass off, just because I wanted companionship. Pretty sad, but definitely something to learn from.

Now the crazy thing is, before I knew who I was, while I was faking it to be the popular girl, I know who I wanted to be. But now I actually like who I am but am confused on what I am. I know we all must struggle with it, or at least I hope I am not the only one. Did I pick the right career, should I be friends with him or her, what is the best way to raise my kids, did I pick the right partner, etc...

What is wrong with me, why am I so confused, I talk to so many people and they seem to have it all figured out.

Don't we all just really want to fake it well? - Yancy Butler

So the other night I was sitting with a couple of my girlfriends, we were talking about social networks and how everyone tries to "put their best foot forward". We all post these status updates that say, I love my life, I am so blessed, be jealous of me, I did something with myself. But is that really true, is it honest? Are we trying to make some ex boyfriend from high school jealous that he didn't pick us, or that girl that was always the one we stacked ourselves beside and never felt adequate? Who are these status updates for, them or us!

I am a fan of Wheel of Fortune, I try to watch it whenever I can, it makes me feel smart when I can guess the puzzle before the contestants. But the funny thing that get me is the contestants during their intro. Hi, my name is Robin, I am from Roseville, CA, I have been married to my wonderful husband for five years, he is so amazing, and I have three amazing daughters! Really?! No one ever says, I think I drive my husband crazy, we totally annoy each other and I wonder every day if I am messing up my children psychologically! I understand that no one is actually going to go on national tv and admit their flaws, but seriously, who are you fooling. I am not buying your Wheel of Fortune intro, and I am definitely not buying your facebook status update! You are struggling just as much as me, your life is just as hard, no matter what type of life you live. Can't we all just get along, cant we all just bond with our struggles?

So it has been a while. There are many excuses, I have been busy... blah blah blah. But when it comes down to it, the last time I wrote a blog, everyone thought I was sooooooo depressed and on the verge of God only knows what! Yes I was depressed, I had just lost one of my best friends, but mostly, that is just me, negative, sarcastic, protecting my heart and soul, I have always expected the worse so that I am not disappointed. My boss told me yesterday, that his password for all my accounts is yesno, cuz he doesn't think anything phases me, I let it all slide off my back, if he only knew.
I watched this movie the other day, it was on Showtime at one in the morning when I was awake. Motherhood, it starred Uma Therman, Minnie Driver and Goose from Top Gun. It was a mediocre, 2 am movie. But it got me, cuz the whole movie was about how hard it is to be a mother. Whether you work, or not, married or not, it is a struggle to raise a child and develop it into something that is healthy, responsible and respects others. Not to mention at the same time, you are a thirty something still trying to grow up yourself, and you think you have yourself figured out, but who knows. And that is the part that got me, who knows... Do we really ever know who we are, do we really ever know what is best for us. How am I supposed to know what is best for me, I am still trying to decide if I should spank my child or not! I am so focused on schedules and trying to get two, two year old potty trained while trying to convince my ten year old that I love her just as much that I don't know which way is up, let alone who I am and what I need. What I need is a long shower and a tall glass of wine. I try my best and I don't have any answers, but I am trying, doesn't that amount to something. I look at Martha Stewart, and she is so organized and put together, but is that reality, that can't possibly be the standard I compare myself too, that cant possibly be who I should compare myself too, there is no way I can measure up to that. I want to mind you, but it is just not realistic to who I am.
I guess my point is, not only is it hard to be a mom, a mother, a mama, but it is hard to be an adult. What are we supposed to do, what is the point, what is our goal, who knows. I don't know, I am trying, but is my point just to be a mother, be a friend, a daughter, sister, a cousin? What am I, I don't get it.