Strong Versus Weak

So I have been told a lot lately that I need to be strong. Really? That is what I thought I was doing! The life I have been living over the past few months takes nothing but crazy strength! I am being as strong as I know how, if you doubt it, just ask me! Not many woman could live the way I live, separate, yet with opinions. I do of course, shut down all opinions the second they start happening, but that is a new occurrence. For some reason, I thought I had to let people give me their point of view, but now, I am over hearing it. We are where we are, and this is where it is, so shut up. I am not a piece of shit, I am not the only one in this situation, and if your opinion is this strong maybe I am not the one you should be giving it to.

I am doing my best alone, again! I am stronger now than I was then and I will get through. That doesn't make it easy though. The crazy thing is that I have been cutting people out right and left. At first, I thought the hard thing was hearing the opinions, now I see that it is the separations between myself and the people with these opinions.

When you get married, you connect two worlds of families and friends. When you get divorced you have to divide those worlds back up. The family I got used to calling my own are no longer, the friends that had become mine, are on his side. A couple weeks ago I had to renew my license at the DMV, and of course who walks in and get in line behind me but my soon to be exes best friend. Well shit, isn't that my luck. Uncomfortable, someone who I used to have no problem with all of a sudden is unbearable. The separation isn't only of ones belongings but of people.

I stand by my decision still but damn, don't tell me I am weak, I am stronger than you could ever be.

I Dont Wonder, I Know!

Maybe, I think I mean something more than I actually am. I flatter myself that someone is actually reading these words, atleast, once in a while. Someone cares, right? How can I have these bodies in my daily existance that still dont care? Who knows, but I do. Most of the time I feel like a cinder block tied around my family and friends ankles, that is just bringing them down. You dont want to deal with my drama, I get it, neither do I, it sucks, it is hard to deal with.

And then just when I feel like I have untied the rope around your leg something happens that just ties it back on. Here I am feeling bad about moving my kids and my dog into an apartment, trying to figure out how the furniture is going to fit and the best place to walk my faithful furry, yellow boy, and then I get fired. I have been struggling with my position in this world as a mother and a productive citizen for a few months now. It is no secret that this divorce has been going on for a while, from what I have learned that is how divorces go, but it is so exhausting, I just want it to end. I am wishing for that remote that Adam Sandler had in his movie Click, just so I can get there. I am sick of leaving my house cuz it is his night with the kids or because his family is there and I am sure he is probably sick of the same. I just want my own life.

I have always heard that one of the hardest parts of a breakup is the sleeping alone. For me that is the best part, I love that bed now that it is all mine. What I dont like is the splitting up of little girls, leaving my house on the weekends cuz it is his time with them and we cant be in the same room without some kind of war. I am so excited to have my own place it is probably wrong. I am so ready for my independance and not worrying about being in differant rooms in the same house at all times. Part of me should be happy that I am not left high and dry with a rent that I cant afford but the other part of me just wants to do it. But instead, I just want to be alone, I just want to live my life and struggle threw it by myself. I dont know how, I am applying for every job that I would have never applied for before and still no prospects.

Ask me what it feels like to want out so bad you cant help but cry when you see someone you love! I dont wonder what this all feels like, I know!

Pull Your Own Weight

Tonight I was watching one of the dance shows on TV. A professional dancer paired up with a celebrity. I dont watch it for its indepth conversation, I just love music and dance. But tonight something that was said struck a chord with me. The professional was coaching his little miss famous for God knows what, and he said "I am doing all the work here. All I want to do is not feel like I am towing around dead weight! I am all in, giving this my all, just hold your own weight!" It really made me think, how often do we get lazy in our relationships and expect our dancing partner to carrey our dead weight for us? We are going through our life and need to be lifted but we dont take into account that our partner may not need our added weight.

Wow, life has changed!

Twelve years ago I got pregnant by I a man that I thought was my best friend, perhaps, maybe even the one. After two years of what I thought was dating, slash a good time, I realized, it was neither. After many details that will remain semi personal, I decided to have a baby that meant a lot to me. And now, I have an eleven year old that has not fallen far from this crazy apple tree.

Tonight, was a milestone in my totally insane life. This evening I got the ever occurring, totally imposing phone call from baby daddy's wife. My oldest daughter's "stepmother". She wanted to know why the past couple of weeks I have been distant. Now keep in mind when it comes to my oldest daughters father there is several insecurities and emotions that I still at the age of thirty six, with a child from him that is eleven, I still don't know how to handle. He was always the guy that broke the mold with me. I grew up very sheltered, yet dysfunctional, and he was the bad boy that showed me what it was like to live outside the box. And yet he was also the guy, that when, shit hit the fan, he made it clear that I meant nothing to him. This scenario took many years to even handle a tiny bit. Saying that, I get a phone call today from Stepmother Perfection and she wants to know why I haven't been mother of the year lately. Blow to my ego as THAT is I must tell her about the impending divorce. Keep in mind, she already knows about my indiscretions, and already has her judgement lined up. My oldest daughter already knows for a while now, that my marriage is probably over, but tonight was the night when I had to show up at her fathers mini mansion and tell them that my marriage really was over. The crazy thing, and not so crazy really is, all they want is their monthly paycheck. Here is a man that I have really not talked to in four to five years, since we battled it out in court, and here I am, sitting in his multi million dollar house telling him that everything will be OK, as he hands me a drink that I used to drink twelve years ago.

Shit, I sit here right now and I think that I am UN understandable by all men. I feel connections that I feel mean something and yet they are bullshit!

Self Portrait by David Whyte

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.

-- David Whyte
from Fire in the Earth

You Know Who I Am

I sit here, confused, counting my small blessings as they fall my way. I wonder about every desision before I even make it. I wonder, am I making the right one. I feel with every being in me, that I am. I listen to my music, and I feel it with every part of my being.

There is one thing I know, and that is what I feel. So I stand here alone, with what I feel, my heart on my sleeve.

Blah

The hard thing is that I want to say something so bad. I want to state my feelings, get them out there for the world to understand, but I am starting to doubt that anyone can. Of course, how could anyone, they haven't lived my life. I am on a one laned, curvy road to divorce, with my two littlest strapped in the back, and I am trying to drive as safely as possible, but I am still running into a few potholes. We have agreed that we no longer have a future, but we have also agreed that for the time being we want to do things as a family for the girls to keep some level of normalcy for them. The crazy thing about that is you have two people who really don't want to be together pretending it is OK for two little girls who know it is not Ok. So I guess the answer lies there within. You can go to an event and smile for all the pictures and put whatever caption that you want underneath, because no one knows the comment made right before and it doesn't matter, because one of us is trying to save our pride.

Every day I must stand up for my decision, I must give my explanations, give the reasons! I have to be the strong one, which is not my cup of tea, or so I thought. I am learning my strengths, learning that I am so much stronger than I thought I was. Also, some people give their opinions even when I don't need to hear them, and I have to learn how to let that go. I am who I am for me and my girls, period.