I am yet again, unable to sleep. Sometimes, I don't know if I love it or hate it. It is my solitude, my only time by myself, but yet I know the am hours are going to kick my ass. But yet, I still sit here at my dining room table listening to sappy country music on Pandora and writing.
This past week has been a weird one, I started out sick, then the littlest joined me and has been sick ever since. I have wrestled with one sick twin and the other, who is healthy, still needs to go to school and deal with her life. So exhausting! But on top of that, my emotions and dreams, crazy enough, have been plaguing me.
The beginning of the week I had a conversation with one of my good friends about relationships and how we handle them and the place that they might hold in our future. After a bottle of wine we came to the conclusion that maybe we are not the individuals that are cut out for relationships or possibly even able to live with others. I did not take offense to this and actually thought this might be the God's honest truth.
But then last night I had a talk with my Dad and of course, relationships came up. I was telling him how I am sick of people telling me how young I am, and even though, I may be divorced, there is someone out there for me, and blah fucking blah. I told my Dad, that I am starting to get pissed, my self worth is not based on being with someone, my happiness relies on no one but myself. Fuck yes, I am young, smart, funny and all the other shit you mentioned, but that does not mean that I will be nothing but fine by myself.
I am in charge of my life. I am in charge of my happiness. I pay my bills, put gas in my car, raise my girls and a couple other things I wont mention cuz they might be considered inappropriate. But, I, myself do all of that. I only ask for two men, yes I know, TWO, men to father their daughters. Aside from that, I don't give a shit about what a man has to offer me. It would be nice to have a little "boy toy" on the side, but I don't, I have batteries, sorry all who are saying TMI right now, but, hey I am honest.
Last night, when I was talking to my Dad and we were talking about all this, cuz yes, I tell him way to much, the same as I talk or blog, I don't keep much held back. Anyways, his take on me was interesting. He said, "you are the wild girl who is sensitive and strong. You are the one that is wanted but they are unsure of how to handle." Of course, I have kept in mind that this is the man that I have talked to for two years but have only met once. Either way, I thought his take on me was interesting. Is this really how I am perceived, am I the tiger that needs to be tamed? Am I the crazy bitch who is fun at parties, but shit, a relationship might be a little much? Maybe, this is why I am only had a handful of relationships and most of them have cheated on me.
In thinking this, I have come to a conclusion. Yes, you may perceive me as whatever you want, but until you take the time to get to know what I really want or need, please keep your opinions to yourself. Yes, I have a lot to offer a man, I am funny, smart, cute, blah blah and blah. But also, I am totally fine on my own, so thank you for your concern, but I will be just fine with my crazy ass!
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