"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do." Confucius.

Lately, I have been struggling emotionally, trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose in life is. I know, I know, I am a mom and my purpose is to not screw up three little girls and trust me I am trying my best. But I am wanting more I guess. Life has been an emotional roller coaster for me lately, and I thought maybe a little journaling might help. Gone are the days of pen and paper though, I am going to just put it all out there for the world to see and join the big bad world of bloggers! I am fully aware that everyone has problems and that I am very fortunate for the life I live, but I guess I just want to vent and possibly get a little bit of advice.

Now for the roller coaster. Keep in mind I write how I talk, so this may be a little all over the place. My grandmother used to always tell me that God would never give me more than I can handle, well maybe God and I need to sit down for a little lunch because my plate feels like it is about to overflow. At the start of this year I remember stating, "this is my year" and so far, my strength is just being repeatedly tested. First, was the loss of my beloved Grandmother. As happy as I was that she was finally at peace and with her true love, I missed her so much that I could barely see straight, not to mention that her death arrived on the heals of my uncle's death just months earlier. Then my brother was having all kinds of drama of his own and while I was happy to be a support system for him, it triggered some childhood memories for me that were anything but peaceful. I guess what I am getting at is, that it is so easy for me to shelter myself from the problems outside my own walls. I am comfortable getting lost in grocery shopping and housecleaning and when I was faced with anything else, I think I had a little bit of a freak out.

For months I have been stressing about turning 35. Why, you might ask? Thirty five was the age I always set for myself to reach my goals. I understand that I have many years ahead of me, but 35 was like the first check point on my bucket list. As children, we live in this fantasy world, marry prince charming, have a great career, buy a house, get a dog and cat and have 2.5 children, white picket fence and the whole nine yards. Now I have done pretty well for myself and I do truly love my life, I have a wonderful husband who adores me, I have three beautiful girls who teach me love and happiness daily. I live in a beautiful house, we are surviving the economic catastrophe that is happening throughout our country and we all have our health. And then two weeks ago, my amazing best friend left me and the bottom fell out. Cyndi's death which was right before the dreaded 35th birthday, really spun me for a loop. I am trying my best to grieve in a healthy manner, but it really is taking a lot out of me. Cyndi was that friend you have that you tell way to much to. The person that is always in your corner no matter what, the one I could talk to about all our silly TV shows and pretend it was real life and we couldn't believe it. I have never experienced death like this , I always thought she would be there for me and now I have to branch out and find someone else, I am stuck with a void that I am not sure how to fill. I have built these wall around myself emotionally to keep my feelings safe and now I have to tear them down so that I can have a new support system and that is scary! Luckily, I still have the words of my grandmother telling me that I am strong enough to handle this and my head tells me that I can get through this but I guess I am just not sure how yet.