So it has been a while. There are many excuses, I have been busy... blah blah blah. But when it comes down to it, the last time I wrote a blog, everyone thought I was sooooooo depressed and on the verge of God only knows what! Yes I was depressed, I had just lost one of my best friends, but mostly, that is just me, negative, sarcastic, protecting my heart and soul, I have always expected the worse so that I am not disappointed. My boss told me yesterday, that his password for all my accounts is yesno, cuz he doesn't think anything phases me, I let it all slide off my back, if he only knew.
I watched this movie the other day, it was on Showtime at one in the morning when I was awake. Motherhood, it starred Uma Therman, Minnie Driver and Goose from Top Gun. It was a mediocre, 2 am movie. But it got me, cuz the whole movie was about how hard it is to be a mother. Whether you work, or not, married or not, it is a struggle to raise a child and develop it into something that is healthy, responsible and respects others. Not to mention at the same time, you are a thirty something still trying to grow up yourself, and you think you have yourself figured out, but who knows. And that is the part that got me, who knows... Do we really ever know who we are, do we really ever know what is best for us. How am I supposed to know what is best for me, I am still trying to decide if I should spank my child or not! I am so focused on schedules and trying to get two, two year old potty trained while trying to convince my ten year old that I love her just as much that I don't know which way is up, let alone who I am and what I need. What I need is a long shower and a tall glass of wine. I try my best and I don't have any answers, but I am trying, doesn't that amount to something. I look at Martha Stewart, and she is so organized and put together, but is that reality, that can't possibly be the standard I compare myself too, that cant possibly be who I should compare myself too, there is no way I can measure up to that. I want to mind you, but it is just not realistic to who I am.
I guess my point is, not only is it hard to be a mom, a mother, a mama, but it is hard to be an adult. What are we supposed to do, what is the point, what is our goal, who knows. I don't know, I am trying, but is my point just to be a mother, be a friend, a daughter, sister, a cousin? What am I, I don't get it.