Feel the Ocean

I remember in my early twenties I had a boyfriend that meant the world to me. He was into scuba diving, surfing and all things ocean, and for that reason, so was I. His family had a house in Kauai, and so that is where we speant our vacations for years. Hence, scuba and surf lessons. The surfing, I relished, loved it like a second nature. I rembember the first time I caught a wave, I litterally felt like I was on top of the world! Mind you, this on top of the world feeling came right after the feeling I had when a wave hit me right into corral and I thought I was dying!

The surfing was ok, the scuba diving, was a differant story. We both got certified in a Napa Valley pool before ever taking our trip, the trip where we had a specific scuba outing planned, on the Napali Coast! It was a big deal to him, a true testament of love for me. So here we are one morning, diving thirty five feet down, not a big deal to scuba divers, but a big deal to me, and we are exploring caves were Jacque Cousteau, did a documentary on some kind of sharks, who were supposedly dorment at the time, but to me, could bite me in half at an time. Anxiety attack in a nut shell for me. I shot out of that water so fast! Here we are, a group of twenty or so, diving down in these dark caves. And I see, all these people, peering in these caves with amazement, as I float, twenthy feet behind them wondering, there could possibly be a shark in there that could bite off you face! But still, I am the only one that doesnt get the beauty, and I am upset with myself for not getting it.

Long story short, I ruin the outing by freaking out and swimming to the surface as fast as I can, my boyfriend of four years breaks up with me afterwards, and twenty years later, I sit here felling alot of those same feelings. Overwhelmed by the beauty and scared on how to handle it.