Ready, Set, Go.

I started my blog almost a year ago. At the time my purpose was to get over my friends suicide. Over time I thought it would turn into a place I could talk about my daughters. Now I am thinking over the next few months it will be where I digest my thoughts and feelings on my impending divorce. This is the only place where I can really get it out, and I can get it out without the rebuttals, the opinions, the judgement. I created this situation, I chose this route, this is my doing. That doesn't make it any easier, and it doesn't make the next few months any less scary. I am a grown women who has to start over, start over with next to nothing but my children and my fears. I know I will get through this, I know that I will raise my little girls to be strong and self sufficient and to love deeply. But I am scared shitless and I feel alone.

When I first got married, I was the apple of his eye, now, I am the thorn in his side. The things that he is capable of saying to me are incredible. Every issue I have ever had, as a child, in past relationships, is thrown in my face. I am called names that I thought only my first baby daddy could say to me. I know that he is only trying to cause me pain because I have caused him so much, but it still hurts and all I can do is sit there and take it. I think anger is the third stage of the grieving process, I am totally sick of this stage. I am not even expecting forgiveness, I am so drained. Right now I need to focus on finding a place to live or a job that lets me afford the place I have now. I have two months to do all this, two months. Ready, set, go.