I Dont Wonder, I Know!

Maybe, I think I mean something more than I actually am. I flatter myself that someone is actually reading these words, atleast, once in a while. Someone cares, right? How can I have these bodies in my daily existance that still dont care? Who knows, but I do. Most of the time I feel like a cinder block tied around my family and friends ankles, that is just bringing them down. You dont want to deal with my drama, I get it, neither do I, it sucks, it is hard to deal with.

And then just when I feel like I have untied the rope around your leg something happens that just ties it back on. Here I am feeling bad about moving my kids and my dog into an apartment, trying to figure out how the furniture is going to fit and the best place to walk my faithful furry, yellow boy, and then I get fired. I have been struggling with my position in this world as a mother and a productive citizen for a few months now. It is no secret that this divorce has been going on for a while, from what I have learned that is how divorces go, but it is so exhausting, I just want it to end. I am wishing for that remote that Adam Sandler had in his movie Click, just so I can get there. I am sick of leaving my house cuz it is his night with the kids or because his family is there and I am sure he is probably sick of the same. I just want my own life.

I have always heard that one of the hardest parts of a breakup is the sleeping alone. For me that is the best part, I love that bed now that it is all mine. What I dont like is the splitting up of little girls, leaving my house on the weekends cuz it is his time with them and we cant be in the same room without some kind of war. I am so excited to have my own place it is probably wrong. I am so ready for my independance and not worrying about being in differant rooms in the same house at all times. Part of me should be happy that I am not left high and dry with a rent that I cant afford but the other part of me just wants to do it. But instead, I just want to be alone, I just want to live my life and struggle threw it by myself. I dont know how, I am applying for every job that I would have never applied for before and still no prospects.

Ask me what it feels like to want out so bad you cant help but cry when you see someone you love! I dont wonder what this all feels like, I know!