Wow, life has changed!

Twelve years ago I got pregnant by I a man that I thought was my best friend, perhaps, maybe even the one. After two years of what I thought was dating, slash a good time, I realized, it was neither. After many details that will remain semi personal, I decided to have a baby that meant a lot to me. And now, I have an eleven year old that has not fallen far from this crazy apple tree.

Tonight, was a milestone in my totally insane life. This evening I got the ever occurring, totally imposing phone call from baby daddy's wife. My oldest daughter's "stepmother". She wanted to know why the past couple of weeks I have been distant. Now keep in mind when it comes to my oldest daughters father there is several insecurities and emotions that I still at the age of thirty six, with a child from him that is eleven, I still don't know how to handle. He was always the guy that broke the mold with me. I grew up very sheltered, yet dysfunctional, and he was the bad boy that showed me what it was like to live outside the box. And yet he was also the guy, that when, shit hit the fan, he made it clear that I meant nothing to him. This scenario took many years to even handle a tiny bit. Saying that, I get a phone call today from Stepmother Perfection and she wants to know why I haven't been mother of the year lately. Blow to my ego as THAT is I must tell her about the impending divorce. Keep in mind, she already knows about my indiscretions, and already has her judgement lined up. My oldest daughter already knows for a while now, that my marriage is probably over, but tonight was the night when I had to show up at her fathers mini mansion and tell them that my marriage really was over. The crazy thing, and not so crazy really is, all they want is their monthly paycheck. Here is a man that I have really not talked to in four to five years, since we battled it out in court, and here I am, sitting in his multi million dollar house telling him that everything will be OK, as he hands me a drink that I used to drink twelve years ago.

Shit, I sit here right now and I think that I am UN understandable by all men. I feel connections that I feel mean something and yet they are bullshit!