The God's are against me, or I am no good at this!

So over the past 2 weeks I have tried to post a blog,  My computer has frozen, or the auto save didnt work and all typing was lost, so here we go again. 

Fourth time is a charm.

Here I sit, in my vulnerable state.  No regrets, but lots of worries.  I havent slept in the same bed, with a man, regularly, for over a year, but yet I find myself, sleeping on the couch most nights.  For some reason, now things have changed, maybe it is because I finally moved out of "our" house, the building where things were supposed to get better at, the home we were supposed to rebuild together.  But we didnt.

On Thanksgiving, I was without all three of my girls, and I had a day of reflection.  I had to take a hard look at myself.  I went to my old house, played with my dog, who I cant have anymore and is now my ex'es child.  I poured myself a glass of wine, smoked a bowl, lit a cigarette, and threw the tennis ball to my boy for about an hour and a half.  I said goodbye to my house, my life, my income, my dog.  It was heartbreaking, at one point I was sitting in the doorway of the house I used to love so much, and my dogs face was in my lap and I just cried.  I apologized for not being there for him over the past few weeks and for giving him up, for not being the person I wanted to be at the age of thirty six.  I aplogized to myself for not fulfilling my dreams.  But I also, stood strong and dusted off my ass and went with my head held high to my Thanksgiving engagement. 

Ending any relationship is hard, marriage or not.  But I feel from the bottom of my soul I have done something that is so true and right. 

My life very well may be lonely forever, but I have never regretted my decicions, I have never thought they weren't the right ones for me to make.  I am standing strong as I can on my own two feet, and I know that it is for the best, but I am still scared.

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend about love lost and moving forward in life.  She told me, there is someone out there for you, just be strong and wait for it.  And I had to call her bluff.  My life does not depend on another man or somebody out there waiting for me.  My life is depending on me, what I can do with it, how I can support my kids, how I can be strong within myself.

I am who I am, mistakes and all, I do not need to be saved, just understood, by anybody.