So lately I have been thinking I need to start a whole other blog just for my dreams, or atleast a dream journal. Because there is some crazy stuff going on after I fall asleep between those sheets. Most of it is farely harmless, a lot of it just means I need to get laid or have a vacation. But it is really weird, there are celebrities and people I havent talked to in years. Stressful situations while I am dreaming that would never be a problem while I am awake, i.e., stairs, stairs freak me out in my dreams, hours of trama just to go down five, very weird, has been that way for years.
Last night was a doozy, usually my dreams dont scare me, I know while I am dreaming that it is just sleep and I have no reason to not be in control of the whole thing. For some reason, last night was differant, maybe it was because I went to bed right after my kids and was probably asleep by nine thirty. Maybe it was because I had acted like an ass the night before and felt bad about it all day, take your pick. Either way, I woke up a little before midnight, sweating and freaked out, someone was trying to electricute me. It must have been bad enough, because I woke up to my dog, nudging me with his nose, trying to wake me up and make sure I was ok. Love that dog!
I guess what gets me is I have become this sole parent, the only person I have to rely on, I have to be strong all day. When I go to sleep, I guess, now, it is on, I become the scared person that I cant let out and I am running away from some crazy in a van who keeps trying to hook up wires to me and fry me for dinner.
Yesterday, my littlest girls saw their father for the first time in days, just for about twenty minutes, but my itsy bitsy, wanted nothing to do with him. She kept telling him to leave our house go away, she didnt like him, didnt even want him to give her a hug. Even though I know we all must choose the roles we take as parents, it was sad for me to see him be rejected by her. Yes, part of me hopes he will recoginize that he needs to start taking an active part in their upbringing, but it is no longer my place to try and inforce that, I no longer have the strength to take that on.
Maybe, I live in this fantasy world of realization. We all wake up one day and everything becomes crystal clear, we know what we want and we know what we have to do to acheive those goals and we have the energy to follow through.
I guess I am just a dreamer.
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