Awake at Two

Went to bed early for me and woke up with thoughts in my head.


I wish my night consisted of drinking wine in my back yard and smoking like they used to, granted I still do both of those some of the time, but now I mostly am a single mom with two live in kids one with her dad and a heart that wonders what the fuck!


The other day I had a phone call that really got my mind reeling and wondering about my mindset. I have known this boy we will call him Fred, since I was about 13. So twenty plus years we have been friends, recently he has been distant with me. It became odd when he didn't answer my calls, so I confronted him on it not to long ago. He told me his absence was because he had realized he was in love with me and I would never be into him so he had to take himself out of the equation. This was sad to me for a couple reasons, first of all because I was going to loose a friend, and secondly because I have been thinking that I was feeling something for someone who didn't feel the same for me. How smart was Fred to see the signs and protect his heart, how stupid must I be to not do the same.


I have been thinking lately that when people give me comments about my life and what is going on in it, that they do not know we well enough to judge, But maybe, it is me, maybe I don't know people as well as I should. Maybe some are not letting me in for a reason, the reason is because I am not wanted.


I have been standing here on my pedestal, saying how strong I am, but the truth is, I am no stronger than you, I will try my best, I have too. There is no safety net to fall into, but I will still walk the line and do my best, I will still come out stronger.


Please dont leave my corner, I have another couple rounds in me, as confused as I am!