So approximately two years ago, I was diagnosed with GAD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, the smallest anxiety disorder you can have, but it is mine, I will claim it. I walked into my doctors office telling him how somedays I think my brain is going to expode from all the stress I feel and how I wake up at night just creating lists on the tablet of paper on my nightstand. Luckily, for me, I had a doctor that did not perscribe pills so much as classes. He had me not only enroll in counseliling, both group and private, but meditation, stress management, yoga and something along the lines of a class that taught me how to breath.
Little did I know that I actually was breathing in a way that was not effective for my heart and lungs to work properly, yes, I am that crazy and screwed up. But, also, I learned ways to control my mind or atleast my breathing and get myself to calm down. Excluding when I have been drinking, in that case all bets are off.
At about this same time one of my best friends commited suicied, litterally, about a week into my treatment, so to speak. I guess you could say, this worked out towards my favour, because here I had been going to my classes and hearing about anxiety attacks, the symptoms and how to handle them. And litteraly, after my friends death, I had my first one, and without these classes, I would've thought I was having a heart attack! Instead, I was able to figure out what was going on, and work on my breathing, put my ass in the shower, which is my safe zone, and regroup.
I am still a mess, probably always will be. I call exes at 2 am and wonder why I wasnt good enough, I stress over friends that I have ended relationships with, and yes on some Sundays, I even watch Lifetime, I am immature, wrong, a complete mess, I have no deffense.
Maybe all I can focus on now is my girls. period.
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