These past few weeks seem to have gone by really fast. Making some minuet changes that will hopefully add up into something bigger.
First, of all, I am changing the relationships I have with people, some might guess that I am expecting more and accepting less. This is working out well when it comes to raising my daughters, if nothing else. Before, I always thought the more activities that I did with them, the more quality they would think we had together, but instead it seems to be the opposite. I used to take them to events, be it a movie, the park or some festival that is going on. But now I am realizing what they really want to do is bust out the paints or play dough and create something. That is what they see as quality, Me. And that is when we get to talk and get to know each other, when our hands are messy, our hearts become open.
Also, I am learning to stop beating myself up over everything and instead change the things I don't like. Right now that thing is my body. The joke is that all I needed to do to gain weight was get a divorce. For the past fifteen years I have been trying to gain fifteen pounds, then in the past six months I have put on thirty and I am not happy about it. So two weeks ago, I have decided to shut up and do something about it. The gym is hard for me to attend, with the girls, and finding a gym that is close enough, has daycare and is something that is in my price range. So for that reason, I have resorted to good "old" fashioned workout DVDs. I actually am glad that I don't have a gym membership, because I can barely get through this Jillian Michaels workout without having a heart attack, so I would look like a fool in front of a room full of people. Either way, I am trying right? And the bottom line is I am seeing results, maybe not the progress that puts me on a beach in a bikini this next weekend, but it is what it is.
Most of all, I am super nervous about what is taking place in my life two weeks from now. The youngest two girls and I will be flying to CDA, Idaho to visit their paternal grandparents. Flying by myself with my two three year old inquisitives will be hard enough by itself. We fly to Seattle where we have a two hour layover before flying to Spokane. Thinking this layover alone, makes me want to take a xanax. Carrying two car seats, my purse and keeping them from running off, while potty breaks, a little exercise, and finding our next gate, stresses me out just a tiny bit, actually, carrying the car seats and not putting them on a public bathroom floor, while keeping them from touching anything is my only real concern. But after we land in Spokane, it is the awkward visit with the family that was supposed to be my in laws til the end and I am uncertain of the talks that will probably pursue. I haven't seen some of them since, they learned that we were splitting up or talked to them either. I know that there were hopes that B and I would work out, and somehow, I feel like I disappointed them. There is a part of me that knows and is sad to admit, that this will be my last visit there. I am visiting them with their grand babies one last time because this is the only way they can see them, but I think it will be too hard, complicated and painful for us after this. I guess that I should be optimistic, they did ask me visit, olive branch extended, but yet I am sure I will want to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink a bottle of wine a day, and can't. Fingers crossed it will all work out, at least the house is huge and the girls and I can escape up into our wing or just go for a walk and be the three of us, like we are used to.
Trying to not be skeptical and instead find my strength. Keep up with the progress, the only person I need to impress is myself, the rest will fall into line.
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